Here Again part 4

[25yearsmlc]

My suggestion is not to experiment with physical affection, just yet. To me, it would be like running hot and cold. Just work on staying calm and peaceful for a few days, and not swinging from one extreme to the other.

this^^^

[T384]

I won't do anything ladies. I was just thinking that lol but I won't act on it.

He did do a few sessions alone but not many the C really wanted to see us together. The C told me I'm going to hear negative things on Wednesday if I come but he doesn't expect me to hear that H is done or wants a divorce because he said H never mentioned ether of those things to him. But a lot of me thinks H is a coward and doesn't want to say that to others to be seen as a bad guy. Like when he met with my uncle he said he didn't want those things and explicitly said he didn't want a divorce yet 2 days later told me he did.

Anyway, not sure of my plans tonight. We've been out all day and aren't even home yet. I had thought about taking the boys cosmic bowling but they said they want to relax and watch a movie at the house.

[Train]

T, stopping in quickly before I'm away again for a day-ish. The responses you've gotten are gold, and I agree with them.

Re: your question about whether your H will come back like he did the last time since this is his second time: we don't WANT him to come back the same way this time. We want him to come back and never pull this crap again. The question is: how do you improve those odds?

And, YES, I can tell you from experience that a man can return to his family after even a second A. But, just like sandi said, unless you guys change the dynamics of your R, you will end up right back here.

You guys moved too quickly last time, just like my H and I did in 2006. I just wanted him home. We didn't do any of the necessary heavy-lifting in our M. We went right back to our old ways. And then you met me here in 2014.

"DB" doesn't end when a spouse returns. The lessons in it are really more of a lifestyle change in your relationship.

[25yearsmlc]

T, stopping in quickly before I'm away again for a day-ish. The responses you've gotten are gold, and I agree with them.

Re: your question about whether your H will come back like he did the last time since this is his second time: we don't WANT him to come back the same way this time. We want him to come back and never pull this crap again. The question is: how do you improve those odds?
]

^^^ Yes

And, YES, I can tell you from experience that a man can return to his family after even a second A. But, just like sandi said, unless you guys change the dynamics of your R, you will end up right back here.

^^ Yes

You guys moved too quickly last time, just like my H and I did in 2006. I just wanted him home. We didn't do any of the necessary heavy-lifting in our M. We went right back to our old ways. And then you met me here in 2014.

^^ Yes

and Woe to the LBSer who thinks piecing is the easy part...

I do wonder if piecing is a lot like what we were sort of supposed to do all along?



"DB" doesn't end when a spouse returns. The lessons in it are really more of a lifestyle change in your relationship.

amen

Train, this post is like a bullet point summary of what those who try to piece, need.

So well written ... anyhow, T0, I understand your "big picture" concerns and your "right now" concerns. I swear I do.

I worry that Maybe I missed things in the last decade b/c I saw our issues in ways that validated my choice to stay. But I was not pregnant in the past decade.


So I'm saying, please please, do Not make any choices based on assumptions or gut feelings of anger and or FEAR.

Dear T0, if I could go back in time to my pregnant self (x 3) I would make NO big choices in my last trimester of any of my pregnancies. I moved all 3 times, and I took the bar exam (I could have waited!)

I worked way more than I needed to, & in my 2nd pregnancy I went bowling in the 8th month b/c I had cabin fever in February - east coast, not Alaska. I herniated a disk in my back that hurts me to this day. I was hospitalized with pneumonia, after being sedentary with back pain and blah blah blah you get my point...

i was too emotional for my boss, whom I probably freaked out and was insubordinate to (I still just thank God I didn't cry in front of her)...

So, even in the hurricane, you can focus on the baby and boys...

I smh and think of how much harder I made my life when I could have simply felt my baby moving inside me and ENJOYED the miracle. Apart from my h, who was happy about the babies. So Like I said, even in a hurricane...

there is a miracle within you that in the scheme of things, really is more important than knowing, today, what your h is feeling/thinking/planning/doing at the moment.

My feminist friends will wince, but I was simply more emotional in those months (Mostly it was great, btw. Lots of glowing glee, contentment and delight).

I cannot speak for anyone else here, but I'm rooting for you to get through this month with you & the baby - healthy, and at peace.

THEN we can talk about how to DB and deal, etc.

Truly, I feel strongly that much of this really can wait, dear T0.

I cannot see you at peace with more prodding. so, that's my .02

((( )))

[T384]

Oh yes i dont want him back as this person. I just meant is it a lost cause that he won't realize his wrongs and come back to this M.

Well I kept my game face on all day. I'm emotionally exhausted. It's so hard to be positive and happy when you feel so hurt and rejected inside.

I did enjoy the day with my boys and was fine in the moment. It was when I got home took a shower and just had a moment to think. It's been 5 weeks. If something was goi g to be better there would be some type of glimmer of positive by this point.

Im going to continue on tomorrow and be my best self regardless of Hs treatment toward me. he acts so normal around my family. He treats everyone the same except me. I just rolled with it today and didn't pay him any mind.

We all watched a movie together in the living room when it was over I said goodnight and went in my room to make Easter baskets and fill eggs.

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel discouraged. I know you all think I'm nuts but I would just like something. Throw me a crumb or something to let me know you're there. But that's not the reality.

Anyway, easier to vent here and stay positive IRL.

[T384]

Happy Easter everyone!

The boys woke up early eager to do their egg hunt and open their baskets. H must have come in the bedroom late because he was in bed when I woke up this morning. Still no goodnight or affection from him but last night I really let it go. Normally I would ask his help with the eggs, hiding them, etc but I didn't. He came in and asked if I needed anything so he helped.

I tried to go through his phone this morning to look for any secret texting apps but his phone was off and I didn't want to risk getting caught. So I'm just going to leave it be. The weekends are really my only chance to go through it because weekdays were both up super early.

My extended family is sick so we're skipping seeing them today. Can't risk anyone in our house getting sick with the baby coming. We may still take out boat out for a bit and grab lunch on the water somewhere.

I've been thinking a lot on if I can go to MC this week or not. Im still in a toss up. I know if I go I will probably end up asking for clarity about OW. I know he's going to bring up a lot of things about me not trusting him etc and I will list the reasons he's given me in the last 8 weeks that make me feel I can't. The C said he did not feel H was talking to or seeing anyone (that doesn't mean it isn't true) but he said all the things he's doing surely need to be addressed and discussed. I'm not sure that will be fruitful right now. I had thought I would go to MC if I could keep quiet and just listen but I'm not 100% sure I can do that.

Is it okay to bring up the concern of OW to the C if we go together? I feel very concerned he deleted her phone call off his call log. It was at lunch time during s work day.

[Sotto]

Hi TO, glad you're doing okay. Interesting there with the Easter egg hunt prep - sometimes it is better to let things go and then your H ended up helping anyway..

I can't see any positives in bringing up potential OW at your MC session if you go together. In fact, I'm not at all sure going together at this point would be productive. I think it might be best to suggest he use the session or you'll use the session and keep things in a holding pattern until baby arrives. See what others think, but I would only really consider MC together if he's definitely saying he wants to rebuild the M - and at the moment, he's saying he doesn't really know - so holding pattern and DBing seems best to me.

JMHO of course Sweetie & hope the kids enjoyed the Easter egg hunt. Happy Easter to you. Xx

[T384]

Hi Sotto,

Happy Easter to you. The boys had a great time this morning I'm currently cleaning like mad organzing baby things and trying to get the house in order. Cannot believe a baby will be here so soon!

In regards to MC, I thought the same and the only reason I am considering going is at the encouragement of the C who really wants me to come. He said H didn't mention being done or divorce at all - but again I believe this is because he doesn't want to be seen as that person to the C. The C said he would be willing to bet I won't hear those things when we come together and that it would be good for us to come together before the baby comes to get into a somewhat better place. He is the same C we used for a few months during piecing. So he knows us both.

I'm going to see how I feel. We haven't talked about anything in a few days and this is the longest I've gone without mentioning anything about us or OW. I think Wednesday was the last time we got into it. His behavior hasn't changed the only thing is he's been coming in the bedroom the last couple nights but he stays out on the couch watching tv/on his phone and doesn't come in the room til I'm sleeping so I'm sure it's more of a thing for the boys to see him in here in the morning.

I know I'm crazy but I really just want it to be somewhat better for when I'm in the hospital. I really just want him to be there for me as my husband the way I need him to be and the way he was for both the boys. I'm really trying to mentally prepare myself for him not to be and I know that's the only reason why I'm even thinking of going to MC. But then again I'm scared MC is going to make it worse. Like I told the C on the phone I'm not coming in to hear he's done and divorce less than a week before I have a baby. I've already heard that and I don't need to sit in a office to hear that. I don't need to get put back into a bad mental mindframe right before the baby.

[sandi2]

What if the OW is a by-product, and not the cause for your M problems? It doesn't excuse his behavior, I'm just saying that you may be spending a lot of energy on the symptom instead of the cause.

If OW is an automatic deal breaker, and you don't want to know how or why this has happened again.......then tell the C upfront that you need an answer for that one question, and you won't need to spend time on anything else.

If OW is a symptom and he ends things with her..........the core issues still exist. If it were me, I would want the question about OW answered, too. I don't know if you will hear or see anything else until you are convinced there is no other person making the situation worse. I just hope you will let the C direct the discussions in the session. If your H sees you charging at him in anger, his defenses will rise and you may not leave with a satisfied answer or gain any ground.

If there is any type of inappropriate behavior going on between them, it must end before the MR can work in moving forward successfully.

[25yearsmlc]

Some mixed feelings here and a small 2 x 4, so hold on T0...

1), Sorry to sound like a broken record, but I still think that you should table this whole matter till after the baby comes. I just don't get the need to know NOW, given the pregnancy. You are having a baby and you are also under enormous professional and financial stress as well.

I've been stressed in pregnancies and medically suffered as a result. If I could go back in time I would not invite more stress. I wish you could benefit from this statement. Pregnancy is so precious an experience, and it's always a delicate time.


But hey, I'm not you, and it's your life.

2) * I'm not sure there is anything your h could do or say at this point that would convince you of his innocence. But you want proof.

If there are no text messages on his phone, you will say he deleted them.

If he goes to the C - it's just to say that he wants out of the m, & he just won't tell you to your face,
but if he does Not go to C, it's also b/c he wants out of the m & is simply avoiding saying so to anyone, and so on...

There is so much massive guess work and mind reading about what you believe is going on in his head and what he thinks/feels, etc.

3) Sandi's point about symptoms and causes, really resonates. If it were me, I'd want to know WHY or at least whether there is a why.

4) while I agree your h's behavior is odd and inappropriate, there are some back & forth behaviors going on here. And sometimes details that would have shed light on it more, are missing. NOT saying you are being dishonest, but the bias and fears creep in.

For instance, when you said he "just started" shaving his private areas, it sure sounded as if it was new behavior, which concerned me. But recently you said he's done that in the past, inside the m, as recently as 6 months ago...which is very different, and less concerning to me.

IF I WERE IN HIS shoes, & this was a periodic habit of mine, and then my h questioned me about it more than once, or acted suspicious of something we had been fine with as a couple, I'd be annoyed.

I would feel controlled, more than anything. I would think that my body hair was something I should be able to decide for myself.

So, please Try very very hard not to let fears cloud your vision. It may seem protective and safer to assume the worst, but I think it can be the opposite.

5) Finally, I say Go the C (preferably alone, ) b/c you won't have nearly as much time after the baby, AND you'll be exhausted. Seriously.


T0...deep breaths and be well -

We have your back & are all pulling for you