Amazing post, Cadence. Thank you for your brutal honesty.
Well, these situations are brutal and if anything called for brutal honesty, it is this.
I just want you to know that I know your pain and I feel it too. You're not alone. But honestly think bigger picture about what it is that bothers you about her actions. Because I think you'll find your clue about how you heal from this for good, no matter what she does.
In my case, I know that even if he comes back, it doesn't make the root cause better. So I'm going to work on what led me to stay in this situation. And maybe someday he'll get the courage to do some digging himself.
Here are the things that cause my chest to tighten:
- Abandonment and rejection
- Someone getting too close (I think I'm a passive commitmentphobe and H is an active)
- The idea that I may have been a practice round that leads him to understand his issues and he goes and gets better and some other woman gets the life that I wanted.
Ugly, but true. And I've got to dig into those. When I back up and look at them objectively, I don't hurt as badly. Because this situation is triggering my issues and that's why it's so devastating to me. I think you'll find the same.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I'm sorry for your loss of childbearing years. I hope there is some sort of continuing r with those children, or can be someday?
Thank you. I never thought I wanted kids, so I never pursued it. But dear god was it painful falling in love with someone who was a good dad, knowing he didn't want more.
On Christmas Eve, I was playing with his young nephews, and he kept coming up to me and whispering about what a good mom I'd be, and how sad he is that we'll never have that experience together, and that he wishes he could give me kids. I had to tell him to knock it off because it kept making me teary. But it was okay, because we had our whole future planned out, and I knew that he loved me. And that's what I'd always wanted - solid partnership with someone who loved me.
So it's something that I struggle with, but I'd only ever wanted to bring kids into a situation where they were secure and loved, and I still hadn't found that for myself. It is what it is.
I don't know that I have a continuing relationship with them. They're teenagers, and it's so hard because their mom was very possessive of them and would guilt trip them for being close with me. So we were close, but no one admitted it. I think about the younger girl and if she would want to hear from me, but I'm honestly not sure. It may be better to let it go, and maybe I'll see them again someday. If I knew it hurt her not to hear from me, I'd get in touch, but I'm not sure that it does.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
As if those short loving gestures/experiences and moments of contentment or closeness, somehow made up for dozens of very bad ones -and plenty of neglect - b/c I chose to focus only on the parts that validated my choice to stay.
And, from the opposite view, perhaps the unwavering love that we provided allowed them to value us less. "Ho hum, another piece of cheese."
That's why boundaries and valuing ourselves to not easily give up the cheese are so important.
