So when you are you getting all spiffy for an event that you're attending (even if you have to make one up)?
Honestly, I know you're devastated. I, too, had to say goodbye to kids that weren't mine. I said goodbye also knowing that I'd spent the last of my childbearing years with their father and now I'll never have any of my own, and they were supposed to be my family. I said goodbye knowing that they needed a stable woman like me in their life, but it's not to be.
I talked to them, and told them that leaving wasn't my choice, and I wanted to stay but there comes a point where you don't let people treat you poorly. I needed them to know that moving out wasn't a decision I took lightly and that if it were up to me, I'd stay.
I cried while talking to them, because I couldn't help it, but I tried to remember that I didn't want them dragged into it or worried. And that was the last that I could do to try to let them know that I cared, to keep them safe from pain, and guide them toward an emotionally healthy life.
(And now I'm blubbering remembering it. They were both so sweet to me.)
It's not fair but it's a risk that we take when we get involved with a parent. When you feel like a victim, remember that. I could be hollering about the injustice I just experienced, but I'm not. It was a risk and I took it, and I've got the person in the mirror to blame.
But try to have some fun with this. Try. You have value and it's her loss if she doesn't know that aside from when you take her word and move on from her. So don't wait until then.
Trust me when I tell you that you deserve to spoil yourself a bit. Get dressed up and go out, preferably when she can see you. And it doesn't matter if you're just meeting friends, or taking yourself out for a dinner and a movie. Just go do it and feel the relief of not being sad at home. You are expressing your value, to her and to yourself, when you treat yourself well. And I think you need to be reminded that you are worthy just as you are, and this one woman does not get to determine your worth to the world.
Honestly, she's silly. She bounces around and is full of tears when she sees you moving on, but then ups and does the same thing. This is not a strong person, and, though you love her, she is not a prize. She has issues inside of her and a man with high self esteem would run like the wind from her and not give her enough of his life for her to be able to project her BS onto him.
Have you heard of intermittent reinforcement? Where a rat pushing a lever for a piece of cheese will stop pushing the lever if they're never rewarded? And they'll tire of the lever even if they consistently get cheese? But that something happens when they push the lever and they only get cheese sometimes, where it makes them more determined to get that #^&*@ cheese? Because I think that some of the back and forth has served as intermittent reinforcement for you and has made you more determined that you need that cheese and that cheese is your redemption. But it's just cheese, dude.
So back up and gain some perspective. I am all for feeling sorry for yourself in small doses, because it's part of the grieving process, but get up and at 'em. For you, not her.
