The last time I posted on this thread, I was very ugly to some of you who were offerring help with my personal situation. I cannot apologize enough. This is new to me. and I an hurting so much like everyone so no excuse! I have read Michelles books plus read the forum looking for solutions and hope. I saw mt STBX at court April 4 and it was not pretty. I have gone darlk/nc since the end of March but today I emailed him regarding what to do about a car we both own. no relattalk just business. He stil refuses to speak to me. I don't get it. I miss him so much. We shared a life and for th most part it was wonderful. I replay the memories in my mind, I wonder if men do that? I want to believe we can reconcile but we are down to tbe wite. I never see him except at court. Is this hopeless? I believe he still loves me but for some reason he is adamant about a divorce and he let finances ruin our marriage. He is not doing great.it seems. Any stories like this that turned around. Its everything i can do not to contact him. and plead with him.
judeinla W 52 H 56 bomb dropped 6/17/16 H filed 7/2/16 Still Separated
Hi Judela, welcome back and it is brave of you to return and offer an apology to other posters too.
It may be worth you revisiting some of the comments that were offered to you at the time - and which you found difficult to take on board. Possibly these may be areas you want to focus on now?
V is right about sandboxes. We don't get to control what our spouse does, decides or how they feel. However, we have tons of control in respect of our own lives.
I'm sorry your situation is where it is and that your H isn't talking to you. As you can see my situation went right to divorce, even though that wasn't what I wanted at all. I hoped right through to the eleventh hour if things might change, but they didn't. Might they in future? Who knows.
It sounds as though you are doing the right thing though. Sticking to business, pleasant and dim are the way to go I think, and making sure you look out for your own interests and a fair settlement.
Now then - all of your post above is all about your H and your marriage. DBing is first and foremost about saving ourselves, so what have you been doing for you? How have you been starting to rebuild your own life after this shattering turn of events?
Also, it would be helpful to have some more context about your marriage? Do you have kids? Has it been a long marriage? First marriage for you both? OP involved? It helps us better help you, with tailored advice, if we know a little more about your situation.
I post as someone who didn't manage to save my marriage, but I don't regret my choice to try and I do feel I have successfully rebuilt my life and emerged stronger & wiser from the experience. So, I hope I may have something to offer you.
Chin up and take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you, my marriage was good albeit the usual problems.We were the envy of everyone and we loved each other deeply. It is my first marriage and his second. We were together 12 years and have been married 10 years. We have no kids together but he is my sons only father. He did something similar to this when we dated and cane back. I remember just leaving him alone that time, We moved to CA from Nashville and that is when things went south. We had financial problems, no outside friends or activities so we fought more. My H is stubborn and prideful as well as he has a hard time letting things go such as words said in anger. There is no OP and we are both suffering financially. My H was crazy about me and my son. I feel that he filed out of anger and it was very impulsive. I thought we would be together forever. I also suffered through menopause which made me hard to live with.
As for what I am doing now, I got a job, joined a gym and am considering dating even though my heart is not in it.
judeinla W 52 H 56 bomb dropped 6/17/16 H filed 7/2/16 Still Separated
As for what I am doing now, I got a job, joined a gym and am considering dating even though my heart is not in it.
If your heart is not in it, then why in the holy sh*t would you even consider it? Look, point blank. Wife left me, I dated, it lead to me leading people on and then that was just a whole other realm of sh*t. Judela, clean your self up first, get your self good with being with your self. And then when you think you are good with your self, wait 6 months. Then you can date. Don't fall for that society Bull Sh*t that you are weird if you are single or that you "need" somebody or that "get on the next horse and ride" sh*t. Woman up,this sh*t is going to get ugly and hard, and I mean for the old you inside what will be the new you. Put in the work and the work will put itself into you. Flake out and catch others dudes, drinks or whatevers...that ain't fixing you.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Good stuff with the job and the gym. Exercise is so helpful at times like these...
Your story resonates with me. It was my first M and XH's second and similar length of time together. He too ducked out whilst we were dating and with hindsight my boundaries were pretty poor and we got back together without any particular work being done on his end. What were his circumstances when you guys met? Had his first M already ended? I met XH a year after he and his XW1 had S and with hindsight that was too soon.
I would certainly agree about not dating. For now, focus on healing, growth and building a full life for yourself without another guy in the picture. What are you doing to meet your social needs?
Finally, reading about your M, you guys sound rather enmeshed and codependent. This isn't a criticism, I think many of us here feel that way when we look back. The alarm bells are no friends outside of the M, everyone thought we were the best couple etc...
How do you feel looking back?
Stick with us Judela and you will get through this intact, however things unfold...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
