Is this a lost cause though? I feel because he's doing this a second time it's not going to turn around like last time.
I don't expect you to remember when I was concerned about you letting him return home too "easily". I don't recall a case that had the level of wayward behavior & destruction, such as your H previously showed, where a quick/easy reconciliation held in place. It's not a matter of making him pay for his actions. It's not even a matter of his remorse and repentance. There was not enough work on the inside of him. He did not have to "work" through his sh't and face his inner demons and heal properly. You gave him a second chance, and after very few MC sessions, he pretty much picked up where he had left the MR, IMHO. As time went by, he saw you as standing over him watching with a mistrusting eye, and he resented any criticism and accountability. Instead of him taking the initiative to seek professional help for himself, he acts out again. From where I sit, he is running away from the reality at home..........just like he did the first time. I think both of you fell into old behavior patterns, and he wants to escape instead of dealing with it. He is looking for a salve to put on his hurting ego. Let's face it, the most fragile thing in the world is a man's ego.
You are the type of person who believes in putting all the cards on the table, looking at what's there and then moving forward. I well remember your rush to move forward when he was ready to go back home. It's just my opinion that a lot more therapy was needed to dig up the root cause that made him run, and therapy for the destruction that he caused. You needed therapy in healing from the affair and all the terrible things he did to you and the boys, and guidance in how to rebuild with him. You each needed to know what the other one wanted in the relationship.......and how to provide it. That's why people need solutions!
Maybe what he needed was pushed aside, since he was the betrayer, and it was mostly about your wants & needs. About all I have gotten from his remarks were that he could never earn your trust, or measure up. In the haste to reconcile.........I think a lot of stuff got swept under the rug. Maybe not on your side of the street, but definitely on his side. The one thing I see with the first time and now, is he seem to have felt a lot of pressure.
He's not made the same as you. Instead of him taking more time to move back home and really get down to his unresolved issues in IC & MC............he jumps from living with his affair partner back to living with his W, relatively fast. Was he the one dumped by his affair partner? I want to think maybe he was. He was not alone very long, was he? And then it was like......wham, running back to his W & kids. What did he learn from that experience? IDK, I just can't help but wonder if he has spent the past few years trying to make up for what he did, without resolving his true issues behind it.
Is once a cheater, always a cheater? I, for one, do not believe that's true. I believe there are certainly those who do cheat again, and maybe for reasons other than the fact they are just plain morally corrupt. I know people can change for the better. It often takes something bigger than just turning over a new leaf. It takes mentoring, spiritual guidance, and/or therapy from a seasoned psychologist that focuses on getting to the core issues and finding solutions. My experiences with counselors have not been very good, however, I do believe there are good ones out there.
You are wanting to know the capacity of OW? B/c you think that will be your black & white answer as to what you should do? Is that why you are so focused on her? Will it be enough to end your M, or will you want to know "why" he did this again? Or, if it's not an affair, what then? Recently, I had a rather sensitive LBH tell me that things were not always as cut and dried (or did he say black & white) as I made it sound. Hummmm
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I guess I just don't get how he can continue to stay here while talking to someone else. Last time he left.
What part are you questioning about "how he can continue to stay"? Surely you are not referring to his guilty conscious making a difference about him staying or leaving. Like all waywards, he is concerned about one thing most of all,........himself. I think you would be better off if you stop comparing this time with last time. I don't know if it's a lost cause. It's your M and the future of your family at stake. Sounds pretty heavy when I say that way. I didn't mean it to be a guilt punch. I just mean you are the only one who knows what you are willing to do......and what you won't tolerate. I do not blame anyone for not tolerating an unfaithful spouse.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
