25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

Random journal notes...

Email from my L, replying to my "WTF is happening in the D process?" questions...

She says that h's L has "trouble getting ahold of him. That when he reaches h, h seems distracted and disorganized and won't stay on track, other than complaining about having to pay me..." (H is an MD, with an OW, and who knows what else...)

3 thoughts were triggered in me.

1) This immediately alarmed me on behalf of h, like "oh no he's flipping out like his mom and having a breakdown..."

(I'd use the term "co-dependent" but as another poster said, long marriages do tend to create some interdependencies and I'm not sure it's all pathological)

Anyhow

THEN

2) "Ha, this proves he's nuts to be doing this!" (& "I'm a great catch, his loss," etc)

THEN

3) Oh damn, such a swatch of destruction.

So Last night

I had a dream with h in it, (not exactly rare) and in the dream he was very sad, I think he was crying hard.

He felt embarrassed in the dream. In the dream, and in real life, I took no joy in his tears.

(Okay maybe a little glad that he wasn't bragging about how HAPPY he is, NOW)

but more like insight b/c of the lawyer's comments.

I think the email, via the dream allowed me to realize that all is not well in h's world.

This may seem like a wildly fun ride to the outsider (and to the spouse who wanted the m to work, that image hurts very badly.)

But as Mach & Cadet have said, if affairs lead to happy 2nd m's, why do more end in divorce?

To me, it now seems more like h has tried to hold a beach ball of unspoken resentment under water, (& kept a lot of secrets I'm now more aware of)

and now the beach ball has broken free from h's hands and is out of the water, except it's out of control and undirected.

Amid my sense of loss, I must also admit a certain sense of relief.

This^^ is Not my sandbox. H's lack of inner contentment & constant restlessness,

not my sandbox. Trying to please h, meet insane expectations or be a disappointment,

also NOT my sandbox. I need to dig in my own sandbox today.

And that's my insight for now.