Having dinner with my MIL and niece tonight. I do not plan to talk about W at all. Keep having my thoughts wander to W today, trying to step on it when it happens.
Appointment with lawyer is tomorrow. Hopefully he can draft something and I can get her to sign it.
I feel trapped into continuing the support I offered W when she moved out. W basically has no responsibilities and no pressure to find work right now. Even the small amount I'm giving her is enough for her basic needs. In short, I'm continuing to enable her bad decisions.
I feel enough responsibility to not just cut her off. I had proposed that this would continue for six months, but that's just allowing her to live in her fantasy world for that much longer. I'm not a liar, I live by my commitments, and I don't want to change that about myself.
I've failed miserably at this. My appointment with the lawyer didn't go well. Not ready to talk about that yet.
I'm not a religious man. I'm an agnostic. I believe in a higher power, but I don't think it especially cares about us. I haven't prayed in a very long time. I think I did at my grandmother's funeral, but she was religious, and I asked HER god to take care of her if he was real. Beyond that, I haven't prayed since I was a child.
Today I prayed to anyone that was listening not to let my family die. Not to let something so special go away. Not to do this to me, my wife, or our little girl.
I'm not strong enough to follow the rules. I resorted to the next thing to pleading. Asking my wife what I asked the universe. She sent me a text about something, and I said, "Please don't let our family die. Not without a fight. Even if we lose the fight, it will have been worth it just to try." She didn't bother to reply.
D told me that mommy told her I wasn't her buddy anymore. And that she wasn't ever coming home.
I'm still a good dad. That's all I can say right now about myself. I'm a good dad. I'm not slacking on that. D is as happy as a kid in her situation can be. She lacks for nothing. She knows that daddy loves her. That mommy loves her. And that none of this is her fault.
As jeep and kaizen like to say, I have no marriage. As jeep likes to say, W is not ever coming home.
I'm writing emails to my wife. I'm not sending them, I'm just using them to journal. I'm thinking that maybe I'll send them someday. After divorce maybe.
That would mean that there has NEVER, EVER been a reconciliation in the history of the world. Bullsh!t
It happens. I have seen it many, many times. On this board and in my own life of friends, family and co-workers.
It does not mean that it IS going to happen. But it can happen. Continue to DB (GAL, detach, act as if) and do not give up until YOU are ready to give up.
YOU say when this is over. No one else does. Even if it does end in divorce, YOU still get to say when it is over...for YOU!
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
I'm pretty sure I'm ready to give up. I surrendered last night. At this point, it's all about D, and I won't be able to co-parent with W if things get worse than they are. So I surrender.
I sent a message to OM2. You win. Treat her well.
Got back some "truly sorry, never intended to become a problem between you two, but life isn't a game and things out of your control happen sometimes. Don't be mad at W." Not exactly an admission but close enough.
Probably will still journal here and write emails to W I won't send. I think it's helping me get through this.
Thanks to everyone who tried to help, who gave me advice that I didn't follow. best of luck to all of you. None of us deserve to be here, but here we are.
I know what you're getting at (at least I think I do)... that the purpose of the exercise here isn't to really get our spouses back, because we can't control that, but to just be the best selves we can be, and create the possibility for reconciliation to happen by doing so.
That doesn't mean I don't feel like i'm giving up, and here's why:
I mentioned the appointment with the lawyer went poorly, and I didn't elaborate. Because the lawyer forbid me to discuss it.
I went in there, and talked about the possibility of some kind of interim agreement. I explained what I was afraid of, why, etc. and the lawyer educated me on the facts of life in our county. Which judges and which courts did what and how, and that I was absolutely screwed if my wife should happen to file for divorce first, because given the choice of venue, any attorney would file in a certain place and it would be all but guaranteed that I would only see D every other weekend... if I were lucky.
I'll grant that lawyers want to litigate in the same way that surgeons want to cut, but other conversations I've had with other people bear out the existential threat (apparently, everyone but me knew this already).
So I retained her, and she filed for divorce on my behalf today. We're going to try to do an agreed divorce anyway, but if not, at least I have a fighting chance to keep D in my life the way she is today.
I told my wife I was going to follow Kaizen's suggestion and try to give us some time if the lawyer thought it made sense. Instead, I'm going to hand her a divorce agreement for her review at some point in the next few days. It's the closest I've ever come to lying to her (she asked on Thursday how it went, and I told her I'd know more Monday... true as far as it goes, but definitely not the whole story). I feel pretty worthless. In the end, I'm pulling the trigger on the end of our family.
So now I'm just trying to put SOME kind of relationship together where we can actually communicate.
I went to pick up D after work yesterday at W's (D had the day off) and I was happy, and energetic. I invited my MIL to dinner tomorrow night. As I was leaving, W sent me a text asking me not to do that in front of her next time, because it made her feel like **** and that she was not good enough. For some reason, I got angry, walked back into the house, and told her that SHE had control of her life, and if she wanted good memories, she should make them. I was a total ass to her, and I didn't even mean to be.
I sent a text later apologizing for my poor behavior. Her response was that she was used to it. I told her she was always good enough, and that while I thought she'd refuse, she was welcoem to come to dinner as well. She politely declined, saying she didn't want to intrude. I repeated the offer, saying she wouldn't be intruding, and that we're in each other's life for the next 12 years minimum one way or another, and we had to figure something out. I offered to start now.
I mean all of the above... and I still haven't even told her I've filed.
