I've failed miserably at this. My appointment with the lawyer didn't go well. Not ready to talk about that yet.
I'm not a religious man. I'm an agnostic. I believe in a higher power, but I don't think it especially cares about us. I haven't prayed in a very long time. I think I did at my grandmother's funeral, but she was religious, and I asked HER god to take care of her if he was real. Beyond that, I haven't prayed since I was a child.
Today I prayed to anyone that was listening not to let my family die. Not to let something so special go away. Not to do this to me, my wife, or our little girl.
I'm not strong enough to follow the rules. I resorted to the next thing to pleading. Asking my wife what I asked the universe. She sent me a text about something, and I said, "Please don't let our family die. Not without a fight. Even if we lose the fight, it will have been worth it just to try." She didn't bother to reply.
D told me that mommy told her I wasn't her buddy anymore. And that she wasn't ever coming home.
I'm still a good dad. That's all I can say right now about myself. I'm a good dad. I'm not slacking on that. D is as happy as a kid in her situation can be. She lacks for nothing. She knows that daddy loves her. That mommy loves her. And that none of this is her fault.
As jeep and kaizen like to say, I have no marriage. As jeep likes to say, W is not ever coming home.
