Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

Bear with me, I'm still using this as a pseudo journal

So after 4 days with no contact she initiated a conversation via text today. Again she started with the animals. Momma rabbit had babies again and we had some issues but I was able to handle it. Being able to take care of business around the house is one of the things I am working on as she would usually take the reigns, I'm realizing just how much neglect I contributed to the relationship. She asked if we could get dinner next Wednesday (my birthday is Tuesday) as she found someone to cover for her then. I had expected to let this go so this made me pretty happy.

After texting for 30 minutes she asked if I could pick up some things for the rabbit from the store she works for and I did. She then called as she was getting out of work. This is the first time she's called me without me initiating. The conversation lasted 25 minutes and I was the one to initiate ending it when she seemed to be slowing down on talking. I spent as much time listening as I could. She asked about the animals as usual but then began to talk about her day and work. This is something that had been contentious in discussions leading up to BD and she had been confiding more in her boss than me over the months leading up to it. When she mentioned something was difficult I made a point to acknowledge that it must have been difficult and not offer any advice on it. She mentioned that she thinks I should get my eyes checked again soon (It's been a while and I'm squinting a lot) and said that I had been reluctant to before, I should "add it to the 'work on' list". I said that I hadn't thought about doing that but it's a good idea to get them checked out. I don't think the "work on list" was a jab but I made sure to not engage on it either way, essentially thank her for the caring advice.

I asked if she wouldn't mind looking at my resume on Wednesday and she got excited. It's something she strangely enjoys and hiring is part of her job. She mentioned that she had tried once before and it ended in an argument. I don't remember it, and I told her that but I said it'd give me a chance to see how my communication practice is going and she laughed.

25 minutes of a conversation with jokes and pleasant dialogue. When she ended the conversation her tone was pleasant where the last few times it was cold at the end.

I found out yesterday that I get to graduate in may (I needed approval since I have a summer class to take to technically finish). I had been pretty excited, then bummed because I wanted to call and tell her, the willpower to not call was exhausting. Detaching is still something I can't fully do and it makes every day exhausting but I keep working on things, trying to GAL and try new things. I am sending her a message in the morning that she asked for then don't plan on talking again until I see her next Wednesday. With work being more stressful not being there to take any blame for her bad mood and exhaustion makes sense. If she wants to reach out, I'm here to listen.