Hi Sandi, thank you for taking the time to post to me. You are 100% right that I am more cut and dry when it comes to my thoughts on this. I can relate to some of H's feelings but my thought process is let's work on it and move forward. Let's figure it out and get on with it. Especially with me being pregnant. It hurts me that this man is capable of hurting me so much during such a vulnerable time. I feel it is very very selfish. This leaves me angry and resentful which I try not to portray but it drives a lot of my MR discussions and the need to have these discussions.
I'm also in a super difficult place as my dad lives with us. He and I have gotten into it a lot lately as he has been running his mouth to people and I am very angry because it is my business to share (which I have not) and not his. I heard him talking about H saying very nasty things and my younger son was around while he was talking to my grandparents on the phone. He and I got into an argument because I said I have asked you over and over not to discuss my business with others and especially not in front of my children. He lashed out and said he will talk about what he wants when he wants. I just walked away. I'm just frustrated because my dad needs to mind his own business and ultimately he is going to affect the boys.
I've had many talks with my dad, and I really don't share the details about what's going on with H with him. But I've told him that his hostility and negative attitude does not help my situation and that it is MY situation. Nothing that has happened has affected my dad's life minus him knowing I'm upset but his requirements and life has not changed. He wants me to kick him out and get a lawyer and asks me every single day. I told him the other day enough is enough. I am not ready to make that decision and it is my decision to make. I just want his support and I am not ready to end my marriage and him creating a hostile environment in the house certainly is not going to warm H's heart and it creates one more hurdle for him to think does he want to come home to that. I asked my mom to talk to my dad about my feelings because I feel he is being selfish. I know he comes from a good place but I have enough to worry about and I just need him to support me even if he doesn't agree with it.
I guess the contact with the OW would depend on it being a dealbreaker. If it is just talking back and forth and getting attention I may be able to move forward from that.
My plan is to just act as if, do things with the kids, not initiate conversation, and just enjoy my kids. I will share my plans but not necessarily invite him and if he chooses to come he comes. I haven't text'd or called him or asked him where he is. I am not going to act cold or angry even if he treats me like garbage. I will not ask him to sleep in the bedroom or make an effort.
I spoke with the C briefly today. I explained my hesitation to come next week with H. He really wants me to come with H. He said that H did not say he was done or even mention divorce. He just said that H is hopeless and feels miserable and doesn't know how to manage those feelings. He is shut down and feels beat down and accused 24/7. he does not feel as though H is cheating - and he knows everything I have found. He said he told H we need to continue M counseling and that H agreed and also agreed to IC as well. The C said he would support my decision to not come if that's what I want but that he really thinks it is important to have 1 session before I have this baby. He said we don't know how to communicate with each other because we are both hurt, angry, and resentful and we are digging a deeper hole each time we both open our mouth. He said H feels hopeless because we have no positive interactions between us. That he hates coming home because he knows its going to be an argument.
So I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Part of me thinks h isn't honest with the C about being done. The C told me that I need to see H without anger. He said even if it is something small he does that I should keep that in my mind versus what he's not doing so that maybe I in turn can be positive back toward him.
So I guess that will be my plan of action. I know what I need from H but I also know I'm not going to get that from him so I have to let go of it and accept my reality for what it really is. I would honestly just be happy to see H asking me how I'm feeling or initiating some sort of conversation like he did yesterday. I would like him to start sleeping in the bedroom even if there is no affection or anything like that. I did tell him Sunday when we had our blow out after he didn't come home that I would not be touching him again after he didn't come home Saturday night.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm not sure if all what I'm saying makes sense. I don't know why but I don't feel the need to have any conversations with H. Well at least for now lol... I really just want to focus on having the baby. I really really hope he will get it together enough to be present for the baby and be the man I need him to be. However, should he choose not to be, I have other plans with my family and friends. My grandmother from up north is also coming for 10 days to help and stay.
So Sandi, I'm going to work on not being cold and angry. I will not be a pushover, I will be present and happy regardless of H's behavior toward me. I will get ready for this baby and enjoy my boys. He needs to see what he will be missing out on. My heart tells me how can he look at the boys and I in the hospital with a new baby and think leaving is the right decision? But then again I'm not necessarily dealing with a sane person right now.
Today is the first day I didn't check the phone bill or how often he was active on FB. That's progress for me.
