The seed beneath the bitter snows is me!

[2Times2Many]

I know I've been MIA for quite a while but I'm still alive and breathing.

My sister's health took a sudden turn for the worst and BIL and I had to make the decision to turn off the machines a couple of weeks before Christmas. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. She was my only sibling and I miss her terribly. She was only 60.

She wanted to be cremated, so we did that and postponed her service until after the holidays. It was so bizarre at the cemetery. I was standing there looking at my mom and dad's graves, as well as my grandparent's, and the only thought that kept going through my mind was, "They're all gone. I'm the only one left." I was a mess for a long time.

H wasn't here at the time, but did offer to fly back. He was due to come back a few days later anyway, so I told him to stick to his schedule.

We took the Christmas trip anyway as it was prepaid and non-refundable. He did a good job of distracting me and it turned out okay under the circumstances. I enjoyed it and it was a good distraction.

H left after the holidays and was back a few weeks later. He was very good to me. I saw glimpses of the compassion and empathy I had seen in him in the past so I was grateful that he was able to pull it together long enough to "take care of me" and give me a chance to work through my grief without all this other stuff hanging over my head. Unfortunately, that was temporary.

Since then I've been slowly pulling my life back together. I bought a new car and have booked two cruises ... one in late summer and another next spring. (Had to space them out so I could pay for them. LOL)

My two oldest granddaughters were here a couple of weekends ago and we had a great time shopping, visiting the nail salon, eating out and watching movies until the wee hours.

I've been working on a rather big project ... scanning all our photos into the computer. I had a digital photo frame that got damaged. It was mostly images of the grandkids. I decided I wanted to put some photos on it of places I've been, my kids in their younger years, etc, so I purchased an inexpensive scanner and went to work. It actually turned out to be very therapeutic. So glad I did it!

I stopped seeing my IC. She was very good in helping weather the crisis storm, but she began to push too hard for me to "do" something. Get a D, sell the house, move to another state. That may very well be my future, but I'm not there yet and I'm not the kind to make hasty decisions and I want to take my time to figure out the right path for me. I haven't figured that out yet ... not completely. She just seemed to want to rush that and I felt it was time to part ways.

As for H ... as I said, he was very good for two trips after Sis died. I actually thought that maybe somehow my sister's death would bring us closer ... maybe something good would come from that loss. But, I was wrong.

The next trip home (a couple of weeks ago), he was back to distant H ... to the point I felt like he was deliberately ignoring me. I've quite obviously changed my hairstyle and he didn't mention it. I figure even if he didn't like it, he could at least say, "You've changed you hair." At least acknowledge it. I've seen that H before and that H is usually involved with an OW.

He had asked that I make him a copy of all the photos I was scanning. I did and included a bunch of his family as well as pics he'd sent me of trips he'd taken (without me) since he moved overseas. I was quite proud of my organization and the images he wouldn't expect to see.

So I put his flash drive in a box, wrapped it and included a note that I hoped he enjoyed the digital album as much as I enjoyed creating it. He didn't look at it!

We took a trip to a casino in the next state (about a three hour drive) and I made sure I was attractively dressed. I noticed him looking me up and down a couple of times but did a compliment come out? No.

But I had vowed before he came back that I would be as nice to him as I was to the checkout girl at the grocery store and I stuck to it. I suppose my thinking was that he put forth effort to be kind to me and I should return the gesture.

I was bubbly and happy ... cracking jokes while driving, gambling, etc., listening to the music on the radio that he now "likes" and biting my tongue ... a lot. I was very, very nice, which was difficult because he was behaving like an a$$.

He did seem to melt a little and told me a couple of times that he really enjoyed the weekend.

Then once he left ... well, I would say he's gone dark or at least very dim. Don't know what is going on, but it's a 180 from the previous couple of months.

I strongly suspect OW3. He told me he was getting Hep A and Hep B vaccinations because it's "so prevalent over there." Uh, okay. You've been there for 3 years and now this is a priority?

He also received a package here at the house from Tiffany's. I told him that if he was expecting a package, it had arrived but didn't let on I knew where it came from. His reply? "Package? Hmmm...think I was waiting for something before I left that didn't arrive before I left. No big deal." Is this the "I want to get caught" scenario? Regardless, if it's not for me, it's a cruel thing to do to have it shipped here.

Anyway, I'm doing well and moving forward. Looking forward to a good year. There are some bucket list items I'm looking into.

If there's one thing I've learned from my sister's death it's that life goes on and to live it to the fullest while you can.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter.

2T