Here Again part 4

[sandi2]

I LOVED the opportunities for my H to tag along with the kids and me when he was gone last time. Nothing satisfied me more than knowing he was looking at me in a way he couldn't have me ... and OW was pacing her floors, worried about what was going on between H and me.

I love this ^^^^^^^^! Having this attitude is empowering, TO. It may grate against your pregnancy hormones and/or natural personality traits, however, you have seen him respond positively when you did not bring up the M or his issues or use punitive methods. Just saying, this may be the road to take, at least, until the baby comes......if you want to keep him.

If there is an OW he's talking to, and there has been no physical affair..........is it still a deal breaker? Just us girls talking here...........if you were wanting your man from the OW's clinches, wouldn't your instincts tell you how to do it? It would not be by crying and asking him how could he do this to you. Guilting and shaming does not work on waywards b/c they will just pull away and avoid even more. You have to "attract" a man. Even if that man is your H and he's being a jerk. You are waiting on him to do what you want him to do, and reacting when it doesn't happen. That's understandable, but it's not working b/c it is not attractive to him. He may not be feeling his "love" for you at full capacity right now........but you still have the ability to attract him. That is entirely left to you.

I understand not wanting him to eat cake, etc. I preach it to H's all the time. I do believe the way women go about getting their man........and how men go about getting their woman.......is not exactly the same. Besides, the fact your H is staying under the same roof, could be classified as cake eating, if he is up to no good with another woman. His question about seeing the relatives could be him trying to keep up appearances, but who knows. My point is, are you going to cherry pick what is cake eating and what's not? If you decide to tell him not to go to relatives, I doubt seriously if he gets your reasoning behind it. He'll just see it as punitive, and blame you for being sour.....or whatever. I don't know that I have ever given this advice to H's who have a WW, so I hope you won't be too confused. Bottom line is do what works! So far, what you are doing hasn't worked.

I think you are a very black & white, right or wrong, yes or no, person. You want a decision made right this minute, and if he can't commit, you are done. No half way, no separation, no waiting, just straight to divorce court. If that's how you want it, then that's how it will probably play out. With everything you have said to him, it has not changed his mind.

I may sound as if I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth, b/c earlier I said it wasn't you....it was him. I stick by what I said. What I am adding is what Train has said, which goes along with my suggestion from back at the beginning of this last go around. I think these little things (like visiting relatives) will continue to arise. Rather than sweating over what to do each time.......decide your course of action and use your play book.

If you want the man, then you have to show him some resemblance of the girl he fell in love with and married. I don't know how tight he's felt the rope, but I know men don't want to see an angry, demanding, woman who drills for a detailed account of his day....or him to explain his feelings and/or what he intends to do about it. I'm not suggesting you need to fall all over him, but rather just present yourself as though you are more that girl living next door, and he is observing you interact with your relatives and others. Showing your warmth and loving ways to your family is a way to remind him of what he will give up if he doesn't get his act together. And when you go home, you continue showing the same sweet behavior (having no expectations from him)............and never mention the things that will trigger another relationship talk. I can hear you now with questions about this and that, but it all boils down to what you decide is going to be your plan of action. If the above route is absolutely a "no way in hell", then fine........but figure out what you will do, instead of watching to see what he will do.

Here's the thing, I get you saying you want him to x,y, & z. You are waiting for him to start showing something that tells you he is not having an affair and is committed to the M. As I said in the last post, he has issues he is not sharing with you and maybe not facing himself.....or doesn't know what to do about it. He's unhappy, and like all waywards, he's acting badly and making things much worse Frankly, I do not have much hope that you will see what you want to see from him..........as long as this tension and anger is vibrating from you toward him. Hey, I'm not blaming you one little bit, b/c lord knows how I might react to the same situation. Your H is clearly in the wrong, and has given you every reason to be angry and untrusting.

With that said, let me add something else. There are few advantages to getting older, but one is learning through the years by observing, as well as studying the books. I have seen a few guilt ridden men return to the wife and kids. I cannot remember any who returned to angry, demanding wives. Yes, some couples had to take intense counseling to heal their pain and the MR. But what I am saying is that a mad wife is not what draws him back. Any type of attitude or behavior that has a brow-beating, parental tone is far from attractive. Plus, I can speak from personal experience when I caution any LBS about showing any hints of self-righteousness. I saw it in my H, and it almost stopped me from trying to reconcile. He actually told me that he had done nothing wrong. He may not have been the wayward spouse, but he had done plenty to get our M in the state it had become, IMO. When I saw the look on his face, it took all I had to not walk out of the door. I have seen some of this type of self-righteous attitudes on the board in past years from a few LBS who had a WS to return. I just encourage all LBS's to be careful about it. The fact that a spouse has not shown wayward behavior, does not mean s/he is without flaws. And, neither are they to blame for the waywardness of their spouse.

I am not saying to tolerate his cheating, or his hidden agendas. I'm not saying to live in fear of this happening again. I am telling you that you are not going to get from him what you want....the way you want it......with you acting hot & cold, angry & suspicious.. If that is why you continue to hold to this MR, then you are hurting any chance of him softening toward you. The more you say to make him feel ashamed, and the more you show your anger, the more calloused he becomes. Can you see it? Sweetheart, I have some traits I see in you and I know this is difficult to even consider, but I also know you can do it if you make up your mind.

Make a plan of action. Either tell him to leave before the baby comes, or give yourself a timeframe to see if you can try being civil to him until you go home from having the baby. Then after the baby comes home, decide if you want to give it more time, or if you are ready for him to leave. It is killing you slowly by riding this emotional fence about what to do........b/c you are measuring your decision on whether or not he immediately gives you what you want from him. You are not being unreasonable. And, if he suddenly lost his home and family, it might snap right senses back into his head........I have seen that happen.......However, not always successfully.

Don't decide on what you want, b/c you already know what you want from him. Right now, you need to decide your plan of action until you go home from having the baby. What will be your day to day behavior around your H until that time? Remember, this decision for the present time is based on YOU, not him. Does that make sense? What do you have to lose until you come home with the baby?