So Confused and Conflicted (7)

[WshIKnw]

Like you, he was not experienced in understanding the mindset of women, however, when I tried to communicate my feelings I felt that I was ignored. My feelings were hurt, and after years of this same pattern, the resentment was running deep to make room for newer hurts that would come.

Sounds like the situation with my wife, unfortunately. How the heck did I last so long with her, with the way everyone here is telling me I was such an idiot?

Please clarify if she was asking for tangible things she wanted that cost you money, or was she asking for things that would cost you time and attention. Why did you see giving her what she wanted as "sacrifices"?

No, she never wanted anything expensive, pretty much. It was quality time, attention, diligence, help (like with chores), and for me to get out of my comfort zone -- those were the types of things she wanted. When I say "sacrifice", I mean any of kind of giving or loss on my part, from the smallest thing to the largest thing. For example, at the time, I saw sitting around with the husbands or her friends making small talk as a waste of time. I wanted to be at home working on my hobbies, instead, or doing something else that seemed like time better spent. Now, I don't see it that way. I don't want all my eggs in her basket. I have seen what a risk that is and all the pain that comes when she is all of a sudden gone. I also don't want to spend so much time wasting away on a computer. I want to be able to relate to other guys, in ways that only a guy can relate to me. I want guys that will come help me out with things when I need them.

I did give her time every single week night, for a few hours. I'd come home from work, I would spend all that time with her until she went to bed, around 9 or 10, and then I would stay up until about 12 or 1 doing my hobbies. I had a later work schedule at the time. So, this worked. I would fairly often do things that she liked for me to do at bedtime, like read to her or rub her back. I did things for her. And, no, (to some of the others that asked) they weren't only things that I either didn't give up anything for, or did only because I didn't want her to leave me. I did stuff for her all the time. She asked me for things all the time. I never hardly asked her for anything. I was easily satisfied, I think. Or she was just very giving. Not sure which. Maybe both are true. I also spent a considerable amount of time with her on the weekend. I pretty much stayed away from solo hobbies until she went to bed at night. I felt guilty if I was doing stuff by myself during the day while she was around, where I could be doing stuff with her, because I knew how much she wanted to spend time with me, and I wanted to spend time with her, too. You guys are making me out to be worse, I think, than I was. I do know I made a lot of mistakes.

If I recall correctly, you weren't interested in having a social life, and at some point she turned to online "friendships" that turned into EA. So, I would say that you should have taken her request seriously. I had the same problem with my H, and when you are young........at least some people, like to get out around other people.

Right, except that she started a new job in the summer, and met a guy there that was "very nice", "old" (3 years older than me), and had an "awful wife, that didn't do anything for the family" (if you look on her Facebook page, she has a lot of pictures of herself spending time with her kids, many of which don't seem to have OM around).

I definitely should have taken her requests seriously. I realized that immediately at bomb drop, but she didn't care at that point. Yeah, my family has told me that as people get older, people don't tend to care as much about socializing -- that after about another ten years, my wife would chill out some on that, probably, but, oh well..

It will do no good to agree to do anything she requires, until you develop a few skills. Otherwise, as soon as you felt you safely had her back again.......you would fall back into your old thinking habits.

Yeah, I definitely need to read more books on the differences of men and woman. I've got Men Are From Mars, and Brain Sex, that I will definitely read. And I've read enough of The 5 Love Languages to get the gist of it, but I will finish reading that. I forgot that just because I receive love primarily through physical touch, my wife doesn't necessarily receive love as much that way. She doesn't. She is about quality time and services. I have studied a lot of material from a guy named Reb Bradley, as well, about how to be the "ultimate" husband. I found his material very insightful. I also have great books on being an attractive man (mostly personality-wise). I started re-reading those. Are these the types of skills you are referring to, Sandi?

So..........since she acted contented whether you gave what she wanted.......you thought it was just easier to ignore her request? As if, "she'll get over it".

I'm not sure what my thinking was. I think it was that I didn't think her requests were as serious as they were. I think I was confused by her acting happy most of the time, whether I did things she wanted or not, and also confused by all the cards and notes that I got from her telling me we were fine, and that I was doing a good job. I got some notes also where she would complain about things, and she would also sit down with me to talk to me about things she didn't like, as well. It just left me with this idea that we were a lot better off than I guess we were. And so, I was so blown away and confused when she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me anymore, and started freezing up. She had just given me one such "we're doing fine" (the general idea of it) anniversary card, a few weeks prior to shutting down towards me.

I agree, you have a lot to learn about women and relationships. Personally, if my H ever told me he had thoughts about me that you have shared about your W's request..........I would be very tempted to respond in an unladylike fashion.

Like, which things? What are the worst things that I have said? I need to make sure I don't say them to her, if I haven't already.

Let me give you a clue. If your W is not an habitual complainer who is never satisfied about anything.................then take her complaint seriously! This is a woman telling you that she's not happy about ___________(whatever the complaint). If the complaint is about the MR or you..........take it very seriously. If you can do something to make things better, then at least try. If there is nothing you can do about it, or if it compromises your integrity, or whatever, then don't do it.

Yeah. *sigh* That's been one of the big lessons that I am learning a very hard way right now. I would usually try to meet all of her requests. I just wouldn't always try hard enough, especially later in the marriage, as I felt more and more secure in the marriage, with each passing year.