So Confused and Conflicted (7)

[sandi2]

Maybe this has been rehashed, but I want to add my 2 cents. You sound a lot my H, even not acknowledging something I have directly asked or said. Like you, he was not experienced in understanding the mindset of women, however, when I tried to communicate my feelings I felt that I was ignored. My feelings were hurt, and after years of this same pattern, the resentment was running deep to make room for newer hurts that would come.

I was just thinking about how some people have questioned why I waited until my wife threatened divorce before really taking her seriously. I did that because I needed to know how much she needed the things she was asking for, because I weighed those things, asking myself if they are things​ that are worth me making sacrifices for.

Please clarify if she was asking for tangible things she wanted that cost you money, or was she asking for things that would cost you time and attention. Why did you see giving her what she wanted as "sacrifices"?

I

don't need to give in to every single request of hers, do I? It's just really important to know how much the things matter to her.

It is difficult to give you a straight yes or no, when your question seems so broad. Look, I am the first to speak up and tell men to stop being a wimp and acting as if he is W's puppet and doing whatever she tells him. It creates a very bad dynamic in the relationship. Now with that said...........you need to clarify if your W was being bossy and giving you orders to accomidate her.........or, was she asking you for more of your attention and intimacy with her? These are two different areas, and to give an adequate answer, we need to know what she was wanting. I remember her wanting you to go out with her b/c she's a person who needs to have a social life........and she wanted her H by her side as a couple. If I recall correctly, you weren't interested in having a social life, and at some point she turned to online "friendships" that turned into EA. So, I would say that you should have taken her request seriously. I had the same problem with my H, and when you are young........at least some people, like to get out around other people.

Of course I would agree to do just about anything to keep her. So, it's important to know whether these things are things she requires, to stay with me. She would never tell me how much she needed the things she asked for. And I didn't have the prior relationship experience to know how risky it was to not know how important things were to her, and to not take ALL requests seriously, unless I was sure they weren't very important to her.

It will do no good to agree to do anything she requires, until you develop a few skills. Otherwise, as soon as you felt you safely had her back again.......you would fall back into your old thinking habits.

My wife would also never tell me when she was unhappy in the relationship. I always had to pull that out of her. She would just complain about things, and then act content or happy whether she got from me what she wanted or not. I never thought in a million years that she would just leave without warning. Unfortunately, I had gotten so comfortable that I had forgotten how I had to ask her how happy she was once a month or so.

So..........since she acted contented whether you gave what she wanted.......you thought it was just easier to ignore her request? As if, "she'll get over it".

I agree, you have a lot to learn about women and relationships. Personally, if my H ever told me he had thoughts about me that you have shared about your W's request..........I would be very tempted to respond in an unladylike fashion.

My wife would also never tell me when she was unhappy in the relationship. I always had to pull that out of her. She would just complain about things, and then act content or happy whether she got from me what she wanted or not. I never thought in a million years that she would just leave without warning. Unfortunately, I had gotten so comfortable that I had forgotten how I had to ask her how happy she was once a month or so.

Let me give you a clue. If your W is not an habitual complainer who is never satisfied about anything.................then take her complaint seriously! This is a woman telling you that she's not happy about ___________(whatever the complaint). If the complaint is about the MR or you..........take it very seriously. If you can do something to make things better, then at least try. If there is nothing you can do about it, or if it compromises your integrity, or whatever, then don't do it.

If your W is very immature and asking for things that are unreasonable, then of course you need to use your head and not place yourself in debt just to satisfy her request to have something. If she's wanting you to do something that compromises your integrity, then don't do it. If she needs something from you (not your pocketbook) to fill her emotional needs...........take it seriously.

Have you read any books on understanding the differences in the how men & women think?