Here Again part 4

[Tryin2figuritout]

I'm just not sure if I should specifically say to him that just the kids and I are going and if he would like he can do something separately with them later?

I think you just get the kids ready and not say anything. If he's interested, he should ask. You have to be prepared for him not to so as to not ruin your time with your kids. Let him deal with the consequences of not being present. Your kids might ask where H is or why he's not going, so just be prepared for that.

It can't be said enough on your thread that you're an incredible W, woman and mother, TO. I hope you get all the time you need and baby comes exactly when you want it. It's the least that can happen, right? :-)

Happy, Happy Easter to you and your munchkins.

[skyhigh]

((TO)), you have my admiration you way you are handling that situation.

Great post BluWave.

The High Road is tough but down the line when you will be looking back, you will feel so much proud and good about yourself whatever the decision you will take to stay with him or to divorce him. It avoids also taking irrational decisions you might regret, and engaging in arguments you cannot win anyway because he will be twisting everything to his own advantage, in his mind he is the victim and you are the abuser. Don't let him drag you in his madness, he needs it to feel better somehow about his choices so don't "play" as he hopes you might do.

Don't engage in any R or M talks, it won't work, it will just start another argument and again it will reinforce his decisions and actions.

In your situation, you need to decrease your stress level as much as you can, one easy way is just to do nothing, to say nothing and just live your life (detach) with you and your kids only in mind. Enroll your parents and your friends to help you for the birth of your upcoming child and taking care of your 2 other kids, don't ask him anything of if you do, keep in mind even if he says yes, he might change his mind just to bother you, so just get ready without him being involved, you will see by doing that, you will start to have a sense of control over the situation and your emotional being will improve. Just by those actions, he will notice that you are detaching and he is losing power over you, so he might intensify his nastiness to drag you again in his crazy world. Position yourself as the better woman in comparison of OW, show to others what kind of husband he is, show them that even during that hardship you are an exceptional mother and woman. He probably won't notice but others will, and MLCers are very sensitive to other opinions.

For this week end, you might just send him a message to remind him of your plans with the kids just to avoid some argument later on about you "keeping his children away from him". I used to do that, sometimes he was coming but most of the time he was not.

One step at a time, one day at a time.
He doesn't define Who you are, show him who you are, what he will be missing. The OW is a fantasy, she is wonderful because she is NOT daily life, she is most probably rubbing his ego and telling him what he wants to hear.

[T384]

Thank you both


I don't feel like I'm someone people should admire here because I sound like a basket case in 99% of my posts but thank you for the kind words

I put in a call to the counselor to touch base with him and let him know I'm not planning on coming together Wednesday as he suggested to H.

I won't be able to see the C again until after the baby comes so I'm just hoping for some guidance from him to get through the next few weeks.

[Train]

I did pull H aside and said while you are still in this house the texting and FB messaging another girl needs to stop. Be respectful of the home and if you can't then leave. He said he wasn't talking to anyone as he's told me the last month. I said you're not fooling me the only person you're fooling is yourself and I walked away.

YES! YES! YES!!!!!!!!!

Standing ovation!!!!!!

[Train]

More of that ^^^^, please!!!!

[T384]

Ha train ... I don't have any concrete proof I just wanted to make him wonder if there is something.

I don't have passwords to anything and I've tried really hard to get them but I can't. I also can't get to his phone since he hasn't been sleeping in the room.

Any advice for this weekend?

Also, should I be making more of those statements or just leave it be for awhile and go about my business?

Lastly, when I tell him I'm not going to counseling I'm going to probably wait til next week to say that and I was thinking I'm going to say something along the lines of it's not worth my time going with someone who isn't 100% committed and faithful to our M

[Train]

What came across loud and clear was a *boundary*. (And you DO have proof in that you KNOW he has talked to the coworker on messenger because she popped up on his recents list, yes?)

No, don't worry about coming up with statements to make. Everything you say should be genuine and timely. Just own your power. Set firm and fair boundaries. Otherwise, be cordial.

Instead of saying things like "it isn't worth my time," consider rephrasing to leave all the "victim-y" stuff out. Say, instead, "I won't": "I won't go to joint counseling until I'm sure you're not planning to use it as justification for your bad behavior. When you want to work on our M with me, let me know. Then I might have a change of heart." Something like that.

If your H wants to go with you and the boys this weekend, don't stop him! You can even say: "The boys and I are going to x at 2 p.m. If you'd like to go, just be ready by 1:30." Something like that. And don't bring it up again. Don't ask him if he's going. He's a big boy and you are his wife, not his momma. He can keep a schedule. If he isn't ready or available when it's time to leave, do not text him or call him or ask him a thing. Don't say goodbye if you don't want to. Just pack up and - #byefelicia - scoot on down the road!

If he's ready, slap on your game face, sister. These are opportunities to show him that you are accepting whatever happens and you're moving right on!

[T384]

She didn't pop up on a recent list she popped up under 'people using messenger' but again they aren't FB friends so I assume it would be because they talk on there.

He also called her a few days ago at lunch time which makes me wonder if they were meeting. It was only for 1 minute. But he doesn't know I know either of these things. He doesn't know I check the phone bill or that I went through his phone. I haven't given that information because once I tell him then I will lose that source of intel.

[Train]

That'd be enough evidence for me.

I think we'd all agree that there's very likely something inappropriate going on there. And ... a man doesn't just start shaving himself ... ahem, "there" ... for the hell-o of it. They might not be physical. But *somebody* is giving him an ego boost, and it ain't his wife.

[T384]

I agree...

But I feel like if he's doing that he shouldn't be spending time with us as a family while inappropriately talking or whatever with someone else.