What are the reasons she's given you for not wanting to be married to you any more?
And, regardless of what reasons she's given, what is your best understanding of why she doesn't want to be married to you any more?
Do you believe that her decision process for leaving is generally a rational decision process?
She is very clear about why she is leaving. She says that she cannot have sex with me anymore because it makes her sad. she says that when I got her pregnant it really tapped into her old hurt and abortions and that I did it on purpose. she says her feelings will never come back and that she is young enough that she doesn't want to live a sexless life. she has a tendency to mis-remember our past as worse than it was but I believe that this is just excuses that she is telling herself to make leaving me easier.
From what I can see on my side, she was having feelings of leaving me 7 months before I got her pregnant because this is when her EA started with the celebrity. I just made it worse when I hurt her but that is not the whole story. she is dreaming of a whole new life where she is an artist and lives a party/artist life with a new man. she wants to prove that she can be completely financially independent as an artist.
I'm not sure how to judge the rationality of her decisions. I wish she would forgive me and we could be together. She hasn't faced the problem of what will happen with the kids so she is pretty irrational in that department.
Can you work w/ her to plan the divorce? Work on the timeline, kids, housing, finances, etc. Going through that process may help her get a clearer view of reality.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Can you work w/ her to plan the divorce? Work on the timeline, kids, housing, finances, etc. Going through that process may help her get a clearer view of reality.
I'm planning on having an initial consultation with a divorce lawyer. Not because I want to get divorced but I need to understand how the process works and the best way to handle it. After that I am thinking I will have to demand a decision that involves a specific plan. It's pretty clear at this point that she is willing to leave us in limbo for as long as necessary with no real plan. It's to hard to live this way.
A few good things that have happened. W has kept her promise not to email celeb for 3 weeks so far. W seems a bit to embarrassed to talk much about it but based on some things she has said I think she realizes, at least partially, that no one is spying on her.
Still hanging in there. W had one minor slip but seems to be sticking to her promise not to go beyond penpal friendship with her celeb crush. I have heard very little talk about her being spied on. Life has been surprisingly good this past few months. we are getting along and have had some great times. She has had some new successes with her painting business and this has definitely lightened her mood as well.
She still will not wear our ring or acknowledge that we are married and we still do not have sex. I do not like this situation but I am closer to real acceptance than I have been anytime before now. I'm feeling like there is really nothing I can do at this point but keep waiting and hope that she will want to be married to me again.
Tired but hanging in there. Is there anything helpful that someone in my position can do? Is there any way to encourage this to move forward without pressuring her?
Long time, bro! Sorry to hear about the non progress. How are you doing? Maybe move over to MLC. I have gotten good advice over there if you want advice on the long term live in situation. You say you still want to save your m. Good for you. Advice on how to help your w wake up without pressuring her? I don't think that's possible. Remember, you can only control you. What do you want for you? Give her time and space if you are willing, but know this may take years with no guarantee of a turnaround. Again, what do you want that is in your control? Self improvement? GAL?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm doing great with GAL. I pretty much already take care of all my own needs so if W left I would just have to hire a nanny for my youngest. Not much else would change.
I work out judo with my son 2 times a week and we are going to another tournament soon. I also added weightlifting 2 times a week back in November and my strength has improved. I got a big raise at work and I drive for Uber occasionally. My life is what I want it to be, with or without W in it.
Life has been surprisingly good this past few months. we are getting along and have had some great times. She has had some new successes with her painting business and this has definitely lightened her mood as well.
That actually sounds like outstanding progress! People expect recon to happen like a bolt of lightening but it rarely does. It's usually a slow, gradual process. That's why DB'ing talks about looking for baby steps instead of big moves.
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I'm feeling like there is really nothing I can do at this point but keep waiting and hope that she will want to be married to me again.
DB'ing emphasizes getting out, GAL'ing, improving yourself, being the best you that you can be. Work out, try a new hairstyle, start wearing cologne if you don't, buy some new clothes. Don't sit around and wait, get out there and be amazing! Be someone your W can't help but be attracted to.
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Is there any way to encourage this to move forward without pressuring her?
Reading your above comments it sounds to me like it IS moving forward. Probably not as fast as you want it to, but you're on her timeline, not yours.
"Reading your above comments it sounds to me like it IS moving forward. Probably not as fast as you want it to, but you're on her timeline, not yours."
Man AnotherStander you rock! You almost always sum the situation up and several of these stories I recognize myself in. But it is always easier to recognize and point these things out when you aren't emotionally involved. I know these things are true (and clearly all of these hundreds of posts seem to fit a similar pattern) but then actually doing it.
Lex23: if you mean this "My life is what I want it to be, with or without W in it." I think you are doing amazing and will be fine.
