Separated In Process of Divorce (Anniversary)

[LH19]

Unfortunately right now she has made up her mind. Stop engaging her. Keep the contact strictly about your son.

[25yearsmlc]

Because we had discussed it 3 days ago when we were reconciling


Oh dear sellout, take it from me, you don't "reconcile" for 3 days. Maybe there was an overture
or expressed regret
or an insight and breakthrough...or some of all or all of those...

but a real reconciliation takes so much work, and time and a lot of piecing. That may still happen, but you need to be less reactive to her, and not act as if she's crazy to not bite. And try not to deliberately bait her to see if she suddenly slaps her ofrehead to say "OMG I'm hurting my son! I'll stop seeing OM".

That ^^ will not happen - Not saying no recon will, but the Lightning strike realization, will not happen because of anything you say.


about how lawyers are a scam, in cahoots together, slimy, etc...

I'm a L and I don't see this^^ as very accurate. It is like saying the guy on the corner saying he's Jesus, and labeling all pastors as shams.

Just don't get a guy who advertises for "dirt cheap & fast", etc. OR talks a great game about how you'll "GET EVERYTHING/HER" or how "its gonna cost you a fortune but hey lets' bill $$ for now!"

I am a lawyer and I interviewed 4 attorneys before hiring one. It's hard.

It was a relevant conversation at the time for exit strategy purposes and I wanted to briefly touch on that for the sake of timing...


I don't think you are hearing me/us. I'm not buying this^^ as the reason underneath the justifications. Dig deep or at least learn from the interchange

From what I see and gather from her, she isnt happy and not 100% convinced this is what she wants. '

So - maybe if you try to make her feel guilty and crappy about herself as a mom, she'll run back to you...Sellout, think this out. She's with OM b/c she likes how he makes her feel about herself.


She even said she was be obstinate with OM and "you have no idea what is going on in my mind"...WELL THATS AN UNDERSTATEMENT!!!

So, stop all the guesswork. Sellout, what do you thnk would be different if you two were to reconcile?


Because the m you have right now, is the one she left.

[sellout]

When we decided to reconcile (which i now regret doing so soon), we had a lot of "fail safes" put into place that we both agreed to. Counseling, church, timelines, transparency, etc... If/When she tried this again and wants to come back (which I am 95% sure will happen) I am certainly going to be more cautious and tell her I MUST see real actions/changes before ANYTHING happens. But I guess back to full detachment for the time being and no talks about anything but son. Crazy times indeed.

[LH19]

Are you back in the martial home?

[sellout]

Not back in home and have no intentions to go back until reconciliation.

[25yearsmlc]

When we decided to reconcile (which i now regret doing so soon), we had a lot of "fail safes" put into place that we both agreed to. Counseling, church, timelines, transparency, etc... If/When she tried this again and wants to come back (which I am 95% sure will happen) I am certainly going to be more cautious and tell her I MUST see real actions/changes before ANYTHING happens. But I guess back to full detachment for the time being and no talks about anything but son. Crazy times indeed.

I mean, how will You be a better, different h? What will you DO differently as a man?

I don't think any woman will return to a marriage SHE LEFT

unless

she believes it can be better/different than before.

So, how are you showing her that it can be different and better?

Not how you will set conditions for her, or test her, but how you will be a better h to her?

This^^ does NOT mean I blame you for her A. I'm just saying, it has to be a different m.

Something in her needs work and something in the m needs work. As will you.

[180Man]

Sellout, I have been following your thread with interest because I believe we are at very similar timelines in our situations. I bring this up for a couple of reasons: I can identify with you very much due to similarities in our situations, your thread has a lot of great advice from a lot of great people which has helped me as well, and lastly, anything I say needs to be prefaced with the fact that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, either!

That being said, I agree with their assessment of your text conversation on the last page. I know it [censored] to hear when we screw something up, but...so it goes. Certainly it was not some large blunder, just something to learn from. Don't sweat it.

I also agree with the sentiment of bringing a different YOU to the table if/when that time comes. I would love to hear ideas you have on the GAL process because I'm looking for additional ways to improve myself that maybe I haven't considered. Maybe you've started...who knows...practicing taekwondo and have found it's very helpful? Who knows, but I like the idea of sharing suggestions we might not think of ourselves. Much of the GAL thing seems, to me at least, a very personal journey, but I can see where there would be other thoughts and suggestions from people here that could spark interest and ideas that may help.

I've been going to the gym 6 days a week for a couple months now and my wife noticed when I saw her last month. I did initially start doing it for her, but over time I felt so great every day that I continued doing it for me. Same story with church. Now they're asking me to play in the church band! I was the last person to ever being doing that...but shoot...we are all here (except maybe Jeep74 ) because we don't believe that people can't change, we don't believe in "once a cheater always a cheater." But we have to acknowledge there are two sides to the coin and it is highly likely that we contributed to an emotional scenario that helped make our spouse more vulnerable to the A. That took me a long time to see and I won't hijack your thread going into it, but if there's anything I know, I know that neither of our wives want to come back to what they left. While it's true that they screwed up royally, we cannot control them. We control us. For me right now, that means I'm about to leave for the gym. And when I get back I'm going to fix one of my guitars so I can take it to practice next week. And then after that I'm going to do some reading about forgiveness. And hopefully somewhere in there tonight I'll find time to search for another GAL activity I can get involved in which will not only keep me occupied but also steer me toward self-improvement.

Hang in there man, I'd buy you a beer right now if I could!

[25yearsmlc]

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter.

I had 3 kids including a baby (so, ya know, don't say how you're 'too busy' to GAL).

Once the painful reeling subsides, I think Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL.

Fight that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I was very active in my kids' schools. (PTA, in class help, etc)

I auditioned for community theater & met very fun, creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went well.

I learned to cross country ski, & became a better target shooter.

I learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long LONG winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives, club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

Good luck!

[sellout]

So this most likely will be my last post for reasons you will see below. So, Easter Sunday I take my son to Church and wife goes with her work friend and husband (good Christian people). As I found out later on, the OM went as well. They are public about their relationship now. I went to the house after church at which time wife and son were at the grandparents house celebrating Easter. I decided to take it upon myself to do the lawns and clean some of the house. All in took 3 hours. No big deal but wanted to show that I can and will help out around the house to show respect. Upon her arrival she was upset I was even there and said that I cant just show up unannounced. That made me angry right off the bat. She did at least say thanks for cleaning the kitchen. We went on to talk for quite some time and she was very clear she is 100% done and we ARE getting a divorce. This is where things took a huge turn of events. I got angry. I started blaming her for all of this (not just her affair over the last 3.5 months), but everything over the last 16 years. We yelled, screamed, cussed, etc... and it go so bad she called the police on me. They told me to leave and even put in a 61 day protective order that I can come withing 200 yards of the house. The only communication we can have is about coordination of our son, etc... In all honesty, this is what I needed. I have been in complete denial about our situation this entire time and played the "game" completely wrong. Had I played the game right would there have been a different outcome, perhaps? She seems to think so. With that said, both attorneys are in full swing now and we will have a court date before too long. At the end of the day, if I had to point to one thing that didn't allow me to play the game well enough to have even a remote chance was the proximity of the OM. He literally live right across the street (100ft). Anyways, its been good listening to you all and I wish my situation would have turned out much different, but it didn't and life goes on. Have now shifted my focus to divorce recovery. Long road ahead for recovery but at least I am not in limbo anymore. Take care all.

[Thornton]

Sellout - Sorry to hear about the blow up with W.

It's still not hopeless, this is a very emotional time for all parties involved.

I strongly encourage you to stick around here, even if you've giving up on your marriage.

You can learn some very important things about relationships so that you won't repeat them in the future with W or with someone else.

You are acting on emotion right now. And one thing I know all too well, when you make decisions based on how you are feeling emotionally at the time, it will almost always blow up in your face.

Take some time to cool off and find your path, my friend. I hope you will stick around.