1) I will not live in an open marriage, if there is any additional communication with OM, then we need to separate. Note: I'm leaving separate open-ended...I likely would not tell her to leave the home but separate in our house for our children's sake. Her parents live close though so that is an option and they are aware of the situation.
2) I will not sit at home with the children at night when you have other options regarding yoga classes, like mornings or when they are in school. I believe it is very important to be there when the children are going to bed.
3) I will work with you on doing everything we can to take care of the children and making sure their needs are above ours.
4) When you are away from the home and, to honor your word of transparency, I request that you stay in touch with me and the children. I do not appreciate being put in the position of making excuses when you disappear for longer than you told us.
Also can someone give me a boundary statement for additional transparency regarding texting? Again after being caught at OM's house, she did said that she would be more transparent but I have not asked for her phone or to show me.
I did mess up a bit the other day and mentioned the messenger activity starting after I left the house and continuing until 30 min. before I got home. She of course claims she is on facebook but not messenger on and off throughout the day. Again I know that messenger "Active Now" messages aren't really that reliable. Now that I actually said something, I have noticed that she is on way less during the day than prior to saying anything.
What are the consequences of breaking these boundaries?
I'm not sure in house separation is the way to go, it typically does not work out well for the LBS.
Separation I left open for her interpretation...leaving her to guess and giving me an option.
Can you share what some consequence options may be? Again I am struggling with these but if I find some good consequences, I will use them and stand by them.
When you are away from the home and, to honor your word of transparency, I request that you stay in touch with me and the children. I do not appreciate being put in the position of making excuses when you disappear for longer than you told us. If you aren't in agreement then you are free to pay for your own phone.
I have been putting up with a lot but I really want it to stop. Again walking the line because I don't want to be controlling.
I did just have to make a quick one as I just got a text from her "Sooo how does this work now....Do I ask if I'm allowed to go to yoga or what? cuz if so I'd like to do a core class tonight" Obviously you can sense the sarcasm as we had a bit of a "disagreement" the other night when she wanted to do an 8-9PM class.
Anyhow back to her text. I sat on it for a bit before she pinged me again.
I came back with "That's fine...I just want you to hold to your promise of transparency and staying in touch with us. I want your help with trust. Cool?" Yes I know I didn't have a consequence as I don't think well on the fly. I did give an expectation based on her past promise. Not that she can't break that...but on short notice at least I presented a reminder. I really think she will go to class...it's the after that I still stress about...whether she comes home right after or finds an excuse.
Handling transparency is tricky while you are trying not to be a pushover or controlling.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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When you are away from the home and, to honor your word of transparency, I request that you stay in touch with me and the children. I do not appreciate being put in the position of making excuses when you disappear for longer than you told us. If you aren't in agreement then you are free to pay for your own phone.
I hope to goodness you have not opened your mouth to crow about boundaries, b/c you don't have a clue of what you are doing! You learn first, open your mouth second.
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did just have to make a quick one as I just got a text from her "Sooo how does this work now....Do I ask if I'm allowed to go to yoga or what? cuz if so I'd like to do a core class tonight" Obviously you can sense the sarcasm as we had a bit of a "disagreement" the other night when she wanted to do an 8-9PM class.
Anyhow back to her text. I sat on it for a bit before she pinged me again.
I came back with "That's fine...I just want you to hold to your promise of transparency and staying in touch with us. I want your help with trust. Cool?" Yes I know I didn't have a consequence as I don't think well on the fly. I did give an expectation based on her past promise. Not that she can't break that...but on short notice at least I presented a reminder. I really think she will go to class...it's the after that I still stress about...whether she comes home right after or finds an excuse.
This is what happens when a newcomer strikes out without know what they are doing. Then after they find themselves in a mess, they want someone to tell them how to get out of it.
My advice is not to tell her you will not live in an open M, unless you are prepared to get a divorce. A WW will test you to see if you back up your word. So, until you stop talking and start learning about DBing...........I'd be very careful about making statements you can't carry through.
And btw, do not agree or suggest in-house separation. That is pretty much how you are living currently..........and it is not successful. It's the ultimate cake eating for the wayward wife.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Please read the link about boundaries. There have been so many H's who see the example of "I will not live in an open M".....and state that to the WW, not even knowing anything else about how boundaries work.
First of all, boundaries are all about you......not her. They are not a control tool to make her do what you want. A boundary is like drawing an imaginary line around yourself. If someone dishonors your boundary, then it is up to you to take action. You are the only one to take whatever action to protect yourself.
Second, boundaries are not requests. They are not to be negotiated or up for discussion. Stating a boundary is not an introduction for a relationship talk.
You cannot tell her what to do & not do. She is free to make her own decisions. If she chooses not to honor one of your boundaries....the next move is from you.....not her. Dishonoring a spouse's boundary, IMHO, should result in some degree of unpleasantness for the offender......however, it may not always. This is not about punishing the offender, but rather you doing something that reflects the message of "I will not be subjected to disrespected. If disrespect is shown, then I will ________" (fill in the blank).
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Thoughts on my boundaries?
1) I will not live in an open marriage, if there is any additional communication with OM, then we need to separate. Note: I'm leaving separate open-ended...I likely would not tell her to leave the home but separate in our house for our children's sake. Her parents live close though so that is an option and they are aware of the situation.
Instead of saying what "we need" to do, you state what you will do. For example, "I will prepare for physical separation or divorce". See the difference?
I've already commented on in-house separation. It is the biggest joke ever for a wayward spouse. Why? B/c nothing changes for her. Come on now, if you are going to make bold statements of not living in an open marriage, then you have to back it up with bold action. She would secretly laugh at you for suggesting in-house S, b/c that would be just dandy for her. As for the kids sake, in-house S gives them the worst picture model of what m looks like......and drags on unsuccessfully. Seriously, whose sake is really for? I would stop using the kids as your reason to give her. It doesn't impress a wayward. You are giving too many reasons, like her parents living close and not knowing.
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2) I will not sit at home with the children at night when you have other options regarding yoga classes, like mornings or when they are in school. I believe it is very important to be there when the children are going to bed.
Okay, not too bad, but don't turn it into a discussion. Leave off what you believe and what's important, etc. You do not have to give reasons for your personal boundaries. Besides, she doesn't want to hear a lesson in good parenting skills. It becomes less about you, and more about her. Before stating this as a boundary, do you know what you will do the first time she manipulates you into staying there at night? She will test you.
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I will work with you on doing everything we can to take care of the children and making sure their needs are above ours.
This is not a boundary.
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When you are away from the home and, to honor your word of transparency, I request that you stay in touch with me and the children. I do not appreciate being put in the position of making excuses when you disappear for longer than you told us.
This is not a boundary.
You don't make requests, and bringing up how you don't appreciate the position of making excuses for her......just sounds very weak.
How about something like........"I will no longer cover up your reasons for being absent".
As for the transparency, I'll talk about it next time.
Please stick with us, and please read your homework on cadet's post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
