But, honestly, I think the best "place" you can be right now is in a place of having just "given up." Go ahead and give up. Because in that very place, you'll learn how to drop the stinkin' rope and find detachment.
The talks and the questions and the ultimatums and the grand pronouncements are not working.
I feel by not talking we are just going further apart. You know better than this. It's one of the first, hard-and-fast rules of DB and many other marriage-saving (or sanity-saving) programs.
Talking only serves to remind him of why he's disgusted by you right now. I'll say it again: every, single time you open your mouth, the light-and-breezy, flirty huzz-bucket co-worker sounds better and better. She's the refreshing one. She's the carefree one. You talk about responsibilities, bills, kids. Your mouth is moving, and all he "hears" is blah blah blah blah.
Does that make me happy to write? NO. Especially because it makes me want to karate-chop him in the throat for being "that guy" to a pregnant W. And I'm not asking you to be strong and endure his crap, either. I'm not even suggesting you suck it up to save your M. What I *AM* saying is this: no matter WHERE you're standing at the end of this, choose NOW to store-up your dignity so it's standing there with you.
Having a child without your H there feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to you right now. I get it. But it's not. There are A LOT worse things I can imagine.
Being a single mother (albeit temporarily, you can be sure) of three children probably seems unbearable to you right now. But on the other side of this, it's NOT. I can think of far worse realities.
Look around and take inventory of the things you have. Food in your fridge and pantry? A roof over your head? Clean, running water? Check, check, check. Then you have all your needs met right in this very minute. Heck, you even have a job with a great income!
Hang in there. Give up on your M for today. Wake up and give up on it again tomorrow if you want. If giving up means you STFU and focus only on your baby and children, then please, for the love of all that's holy, give up!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Although I have not said much recently, I have continued to keep up with your thread. I felt you needed to hear from the others who have experienced the same kind of pain. I just want you to know how very sorry I am for how things have gone. You are one of my favorite people on the board, and I wish I could say something to make you feel better.
Whatever issues your H has, are not truly with you. You are the target for his blame, b/c that's much easier than him digging deep to deal with the truth about himself. His issues are from within himself and those issues will continue for him, unless he finds a therapist who will get to the real source. No matter who he is with, sooner or later these same issues will arise again. B/c it's not the relationship or the spouse......but him. When a person doesn't know what they want or what would make them happy......there's not much to work with, is there? Doesn't help your pain, but I hope you won't blame yourself and think you should have done something differently. He doesn't even know......so how could you?
You have people who love and value you a great deal. They are fortunate to have you in their lives. You are an amazing woman.....and don't let him, or anyone else, cause you to think differently.
I hope you will stay with us, b/c we care. You can vent as much as you want to us. ((TO))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think that's why today [censored] so bad because I'm mourning the loss of what this really is and what's really happening. I was hoping after him going to the counselor there might be a glimmer of change or something. Instead I heard just like last BD that some people aren't meant to be together. I didn't react to that statement but it just brought me back to where we were 3 years ago and wow we really are going down this road.
Should I skip going to counseling together next week and just go alone?
I know I sound like a basket case on here. I just can't imagine he's going to do this again. Even my dad was shocked because he had been saying since H came back that he would never wish me to go through that but that it made him a better man a better husband and a better father.
It's hard to think the issues aren't with me or because of me. Because now it will be twice he has done this with me. I just sit there and think what is so bad about me what did I do to make him snap and turn into this person. How can he look at me and feel nothing? How can he look at me hurting and feel nothing to not want to ease my pain while I'm carrying his child ? I think how can he be okay with me never in his life as his wife again how can he rather be with someone else. I know this is all crazy but those are all of my thoughts because I can't imagine feeling that way.
It makes me more scared this time because he's been down this road before and knows what it entails and he's still willing to do it. He knows as I've told him the minute he walks out the door and files for divorce I will never ever take him back.
Sandi is spot-on. This isn't YOU. It's HIM. And I promise you something: you are hurting now, but down the road, if your H doesn't get the help he desperately needs, he will leave a TRAIL of hurting people. All these "OW"? Pfft. They're NOTHING to him but a short, little ego-boost and/or thrill-ride. Your H won't commit long to any of them. And I'll say it again: ANY woman who's *dumb* enough to screw around with a married man who is threatening to leave his *pregnant* W and not be at the birth of his child is a FOOL. And she will get exactly what she deserves.
Right at the point that you don't even care anymore, they will get their due. And your H will probably be begging you profusely for another chance.
People like him are so predictable.
I hope he gets help sooner rather than later. I hope he can man up. But until he can, sweetheart, you deserve so, so, so, so, SO much better. And I know you feel hopeless right now. Unfortunately, that's just part of it. But you are going to be okay, no matter what. I promise you will.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
From my understanding, it's best not to go to couples counseling if one of the partners is looking for a way out. It can actually perpetuate the breakup.
