Here Again part 4

[T384]

Train -

Can you be my friend IRL? Haha! I have to come here for advice because I cannot talk about it with my friends/family because everyone wants me to leave him. Well make him leave. Every single person wants me to kick him out and get a lawyer. It gets me more worked up and then makes me want to start talking to him about things more and just spirals from there.

I know that I am a control freak and I see things the way I see them and have a hard time seeing from his perspective. And yes, him doing the yard work and the pool stuff is his way of showing me 'he's trying' in his mind. But he says I can't see that and instead of recognizing that I focus on what he's not doing.

I'm going to try and not mope and not ask any questions what so ever. I'll make dinner tonight and whatever time he chooses to come home he comes home. I know his appointment is at 4 so I'm not sure if he will be home late. I'm interested to see how he acts after he speaks with the counselor. I know the counselor said he really just wants to listen but that he definitely wanted to explain with H that I definitely will not be 'over' what happened in the past especially when certain behaviors change. I hope he has an open mind to be able to really hear this information.

[Train]

We *are* friends IRL, just in a different sort of way!

yes, him doing the yard work and the pool stuff is his way of showing me 'he's trying' in his mind. But he says I can't see that and instead of recognizing that I focus on what he's not doing.
Wellllllll ... I mean .... I think he has a point here, don't you?

Your plan to carry on with life as usual tonight is perfect. Zero expectations from H. What he says today could change by tonight. What he says tonight could change by tomorrow. He doesn't know which end is up, so if you hitch your cart to *his* horse, you better expect a wild ride!

And, listen, it's true: everything you learn throughout this process is going to help you become a better person and a better partner. If your M is saved? Awesome. But you aren't defined by your M. By the time you've made it to the other side of this situation, you are going to be content. In fact, I'd be willing to bet you'll be *a lot* better than content. You'll be happy. And you won't be able to imagine how you were happy in the situation you've been in.

That holds true whether you're still with your H. Or if you're not.

I'll tell you this, though: your H needs to change - and change BIG. And you have no control over him changing. What you CAN do is possibly inspire him to change by showing him - through your ACTIONS (NOT words) - that you aren't going to put up with his sh!t. Figure out your boundaries, put them around yourself and your children, and don't let him step one sliver of a toenail inside that line. THIS is the definition of strength and grace under fire. And I know you have it in you to do it. He either respects you or he can walk away. Don't accept ANYTHING less than that.

[T384]

Well I'm moving on from trying to save my M.

H went to counseling yesterday. Said it was good. But still said he doesn't know what he wants and that the counselor said sometimes some people just aren't meant to be together and that divorce can be the better option for everyone. Basically same [censored] as last time. I just said okay. He said the counselor wants to see us together so H said we would go next Wednesday. I told him I'm not sure.

He said he's unhappy, he feels beat down and never trusted. He doesn't want to talk about things anymore and said the counselor said for us not to talk until Wednesday because we're just digging a deeper hole.

I told H I cannot live in limbo anymore. I cannot continue to hear I don't know. I asked him what does he need to be happy. He doesn't know.

I got email notification he changed all his passwords and yet he lied about it when I asked him about it. I just have realized I don't trust anything he says. Hebert word that comes out of his mouth is a lie and I'm just waiting for him to bail and not come home.

I told him last night it's hurtful that he comes home and doesn't acknowledge me anymore. I said we're back to where we were. He said it's never been good it's been bad since he came back 3 years ago. I didn't even. Other goof there because I know that's a lie.

So I'm going to spend the day trying to mourn the loss of this marriage and accept that I'm getting a divorce. I guess I should have know this would be the outcome and that he's just been stringing me along until he gets his stuff in order.

I knew him going to the counselor would be A away to justify him leaving.

I know him saying I don't know if I still want this is his way of saying no he doesn't believe. I asked him to make an effort. To treat me like a human being and talk to me. He said he can't talk to me because we always end up talking about what's going on between us. And that he's not going to force himself to make an effort and do things he doesn't want to do... I think he means sleep in the room kiss me etc.

So that's it. Thanks all for your help and patience with me.

[Becky99]

T0324,
While I'm not pregnant, I'm certainly in your same shoes...perhaps our husbands are long lost twins, judging by their actions. My H has already filed for divorce and moved in with his parents three weeks ago. (Although I've seen him almost every day since because of our 2 year old.) I have to reply to the summons & petition next week and am sick just thinking about it.:(
While I can't say our "divorce will be busted," I can say the mood of our time together has changed significantly ever since I stopped talking about our marriage. (I asked what I could do to make him happy, cried/begged/pleaded/quoted scripture/etc. for the sake of our family.) I have been very intentional about being the "Becky of old" when I see him. Sometimes I stay in the car to dry my tears and collect myself, but I force the happy face/personality that used to be me before "the Enemy" (OW/Satan) entered our marriage. It is SO HARD!
Train,
Your advice is incredible. Exactly what I needed to read. Your wisdom and courage is a testament to the dedication and commitment saving a marriage takes. I have no idea if my marriage is going to survive...I want to have hope, but focusing on restoring and building myself to the best version of me is the best way to make that happen.
I pray like mad for God's will to infect my H's heart and he reconsiders the notion of reconciliation. In the end, regardless of the outcome, I will be better and stronger because these are changes I'm making for me, just as much as our marriage.
I'll toss a few prayers your way, too. Peace, love and hugs.

[25yearsmlc]

Well I'm moving on from trying to save my M.

H went to counseling yesterday. Said it was good. But still said he doesn't know what he wants and that the counselor said sometimes some people just aren't meant to be together and that divorce can be the better option for everyone. Basically same [censored] as last time. I just said okay. He said the counselor wants to see us together so H said we would go next Wednesday. I told him I'm not sure.

He said he's unhappy, he feels beat down and never trusted. He doesn't want to talk about things anymore and said the counselor said for us not to talk until Wednesday because we're just digging a deeper hole.

I told H I cannot live in limbo anymore. I cannot continue to hear I don't know. I asked him what does he need to be happy. He doesn't know.

I got email notification he changed all his passwords and yet he lied about it when I asked him about it. I just have realized I don't trust anything he says. Hebert word that comes out of his mouth is a lie and I'm just waiting for him to bail and not come home.

I told him last night it's hurtful that he comes home and doesn't acknowledge me anymore. I said we're back to where we were. He said it's never been good it's been bad since he came back 3 years ago. I didn't even. Other goof there because I know that's a lie.

So I'm going to spend the day trying to mourn the loss of this marriage and accept that I'm getting a divorce. I guess I should have know this would be the outcome and that he's just been stringing me along until he gets his stuff in order.

I knew him going to the counselor would be A away to justify him leaving.

I know him saying I don't know if I still want this is his way of saying no he doesn't believe. I asked him to make an effort. To treat me like a human being and talk to me. He said he can't talk to me because we always end up talking about what's going on between us. And that he's not going to force himself to make an effort and do things he doesn't want to do... I think he means sleep in the room kiss me etc.

So that's it. Thanks all for your help and patience with me.

UGH!

I do think the counselor is right about not discussing the m. T0, girl, I know you have a problem with that even though it's 6 days...I get it, there's a baby coming - but I cannot see how it helps you (or the baby) at all...it just seems to fuel your h's urge to flee and your own stress.

So, for now, you STFU and if need be (b/c I know you want to DO something and I know you feel, rightly, that you won't be so ready to DO once the baby is here..)

check your legal rights, have a Plan & THEN TABLE IT...for now

because you'll have done what you can to prepare,

then shelve it so you can focus on the baby and YOU,

and then in a few months, you DO the plan.

Who knows what might happen in between?

It might be true that recon is no longer an option for you,

or that you don't see it as realistic...and I mourn for you.

I mourn for the loss of the past marriage you once had, the future marriage you had planned to have. Perhaps not so much mourning about the marriage you are in now, however.

In a way that seems to grow in time, I find that knowing I'll be happier in the near/far future, helps me today & in the moment.

YOU know that things $--k now, but you know that they won't stink forever. In fact, my guess is that in X months of time, you'll have more peace in your life no matter what happens. I hope you can find some comfort in that, and in the support you have there.

I have no idea how women get through these ordeals without family around.

And we here, are part of your extended family. We are here for you.

((( )))

[T384]

25

I am just so upset. I know what's coming. I just feel it.

How can there be any hope? Everything he's doing shows me he's done. How can he do this before a baby comes.

I know I have to stop talking but I just don't know how to. I'm trying. I really am. I just am so hurt and upset.

I feel by not talking we are just going further apart. I want to stop crying and being upset. I am so over this. I want to feel like I'm doing something to make things better and I can't.

I don't want to have a baby in this situation. It tells me so much about how he doesn't give a [censored] about me for him to do this right now during this time of me having a baby

[Thornton]

Im so sorry, TO. I know the anguish you are feeling, it's relentless. I agree with the others that the best thing you can do right now is stop thinking about H and focus on you and the baby.

I know how hard it is to struggle through each and every day. It hurts to breathe.

I wish I had some advice that could make you feel better, but I don't because I don't know how to make myself feel better yet.

Let's take the vets word for it that things will get better with time. It's our only hope right now.

[Becky99]

This process is SO painful and so confusing. Not being able to breathe/sleep/eat/focus is something we all struggle with. I'm convinced divorce is worse than death because, especially with children, it's never over. We can explain losing a spouse to death, but we can't explain losing one to divorce...it isn't God's will and the marital struggles aren't irreparable. (usually) Know we are all in this together and pulling for each other's family unity.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8
It's weird, but knowing how much it pains me to see my little girl cry, I find comfort knowing it doesn't compare to the pain God has for all we're enduring, right now. I know I haven't witnessed all D's tears and hurts because I'm not with her 24/7. And I certainly haven't been privy to all her sad thoughts and heartache.
But God is with us.
24/7.
He knows our thoughts, He feels our sadness and He's witnessed Every.Single.Tear.

[T384]

Feeling super lost and depressed today.

I know there are ups and downs but after last night I just feel like there is no hope what so ever and that his mind is made up. Knowing he changed all the passwords (which I didn't have access to in the first place) give me the clue that he is hiding something.

I really don't think I should bother going to counseling with him next week. I already know what I'm going to hear. His decision is made and he's just in this house for financial convenience and because I'm pregnant.

[Sotto]

I'm sorry TO, and I'm dismayed to read that you that are still having these circular convos which are not helping your situation my lovely.

Also have a think about the thought patterns. You are talking yourself into him being done. Yes he feels negative right now - but things can change - we all know that. It can just be hard to see in our own situations.

25 posted on her thread about some things she needed to do. I thought of you. They are simple things - but hard. But I know you can do it...

Step back, focus on you, let go, leave him be. Can you have that as your mantra in coming weeks?

Xx