25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

I went back and reread my notes on some threads although there are some missing ones. If I had been contemporaneous with you then I would have asked have you seen an IC who specialises in cPTSD?

The reactions you had at that time seem to indicate that is a factor. Your recent comments about your anger enticed me to reread my notes.

Over the weekend I will seek out some threads and think again.

V

Hi V,

when my mom died, youngest went off to college, we heard/found a murder victim and then moved for h's job, (again) all in 6 weeks, it was a lot.

One weird thing was that I found myself not able to recall my mother's face in the coffin (she'd have hated an open casket b/c she had been a stunningly beautiful woman in her youth and she had a vain streak).

But I could vividly recall the murder victim's face, & still cane. The victim's face haunted me in the middle of the night and I could not sleep well. I missed my mom, I missed my children and my youngest was so far away,

look^^ obviously that was a lot. And that was 18 months ago.

Yes, I saw a PTSD therapist who was incredibly helpful. She did some EMDR therapy I thought sounded gimmicky but I trusted, and it helped. I saw her all the way until October when I left the west coast.

The seizures were not psychological (my father was epileptic. I hope I'm not).

But generally, the resistance to seizures is lowered when sleep is affected. So in that sense, I simply must keep negative thinking and stressful things that obstruct sleep, at bay.

Plus, I do have to become more open to the upsides of what life offers now - to be happy. (But I took in what you said about legal strategies, which are a drag, but justified).

Some of the things I've said 1000 times --

The best things in life are usually simple but hard.

That GAL is the best (only?) way to detachment

and that detachment is the only way I can shed the past and open myself to a better, happier life.

I've said these^^ things and believed them. I still do.

But when you get a gut punch, (and I know the fb posts really hurt me more than I expected, actually), you fall down.

Implementing my own advice is actually what I have to do.

It's actually simple. But damn, it's so hard.


What helps me most at the moment? Knowing I will be better & happier soon, helps me now...and my son telling me "good riddance to lunacy" reminds me that the marriage I'm legally ending, was not a marriage that was going to lead me to the hoped for marriage, nor was it the marriage we once had.

So it's not the present day marriage I mourn losing. And by embracing that, I hope, I'll implement my own advice and push myself to a life I want.

Besides, It's axiomatic that I would not have had the future with h that I envisioned.

When I'm real about what I would have had, if we were staying in THIS m, hey, that really helps me.