Just a vanilla change 34

[Vanilla]

I am waiting for shift, for connection to my higher power For a quantum moment. I do not want to be Ivan Ilyich "what if my life has been all wrong"

I am tired and exhausted by the fightime, I feel like caving and giving myself permanent rest, not just a break. I have not found my groove again.

I look to synchronicity and seek respite. It does not happen. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and my struggles continue. I thought I knew my destiny and had this in mind.

I miss my higher spirit, I miss those intimate moments in my life, just me and my spirit. I pray and am lost. I feel abandoned by my higher spirit. It's gone in my life. No matter how much I listen and ask, it does not come back.

I am weak and vulnerable.

I cry every day and it seems like wasted tears with ego in the way. I guess there is a purpose to it and I should trust. My life purpose seems to be invisible.

This is my dharma to suffer, perhaps it would be better in silence.

V