Struggling with multiple challenges

[sandi2]

Can I go back now, 1 1/2 weeks after the fact and make any demands?

The wayward wife is already in rebellion, and to even use the word "demand" with her is dangerous. However, I strongly suggest you read the link on boundary setting. Having strong boundaries in place is an absolute necessity when you have a wayward wife. However, be sure you understand them, before you start stating them to her. You have to back up your word.

Here is where I struggle. What is reasonable without being controlling? I still think she is texting him but I have no proof of this.

It seems to be most every LBS's challenge in knowing how to stay balanced. I recommend you seriously consider your personal standards, principles, integrity, moral code, spiritual beliefs, etc. Then you ask yourself if any of these have been compromised. If you are compromising your core beliefs by tolerating a situation in your MR that your W has caused......and continues to cause, then you need to make decisions about how to proceed in going forward with your life. One thing you must do is to stay grounded in your beliefs. Be particular where you take your advice. If you can attach your actions to something solid (i.e. not compromising your integrity), you will likely stay better focused. Otherwise, it's easy to grab at anything someone blows in the air.

Lack of intimacy was mainly on her part but I'm not the best at proposing love making. I am always the one that initiates hugs, kissing, and sex. This is her viewpoint. Frankly she is quite addicted to facebook, pinterest, and other social sites so intimacy of any kind is difficult at best. My advances usually end in disappointment so over time I try less and less.

This is an area where she has taken full control. IMHO, and as a woman, it is very telling that she lost attraction for her H quite some time ago. Loss of attraction is due to loss of respect for her H. Having her respect for you as a man, first,......is your starting point. Everything should be gaged by that measurement. She will not desire you until she feels respect for you, b/c that is how women are wired. Intimacy is one of the things that should be required, if a couple expects to continue living together.

There are many, many ways a wife can show signs of disrespect. Everything from rolling her eyes at her H.....to having an affair. You cannot control what she feels, but you can put a lid on the disrespectful actions under your own roof.....and in your MR. But know this......you cannot talk her into respecting you. You cannot nice her into respecting you. You cannot act pitiful or scared. She has to see you standing tall & confident.......instead of defending or explaining yourself. A wife needs her H to be stronger than her. So, don't cry in front of her, or where she can hear you. Don't let her see you fret and worry about what she is or may be doing. This is not a woman you can trust right now. You need to be in control of your own actions in her presence.

I do want a renewed marriage and I am committed. Her I'm not sure. We have done counseling in the past but she never really applied what we learned. I applied some but it takes two if that makes sense.

Okay, that's fine. Just don't tell her. Why? B/c she's a different person now, and you cannot tell her these things and think it will make a difference in her. If anything, it will turn her off more than ever. She doesn't feel committed, just b/c you do. She's in an affair, so she is not interested in renewing a marriage with you. If she's been the type who would not apply what was taught.....then it goes double now. She has to be shown a different picture than what you are wanting at the present time. (I'll get to it, it just takes me time.)

Yes I can see where she doesn't respect me. How do I get that back? I think much is my lack of listening, disregarding some of what she says, and not taking action immediately when presented with a topic from her.

That may have played a part in the breakdown of the relationship, however, it is not the current problem......and trying to be what you see as the perfect H will not draw her back. Her issues are the current problems in the MR. Sure, you can learn to listen, and to take appropriate action......just don't decide to have a heart-to-heart with her about how you were such a bad H, yada, yada. Guys do this all the time, thinking it will resolve the problems. The problem is that your W is wayward. Trust me, she doesn't need your help to place blame. She'll do that well enough on her own. Just correct your bad habits and lack of sensitivity. That's not to say you go crazy, but improve yourself to become an attractive male.....whether the M is saved or not.

Usually, the H not listening or acting on what the W may say, tends to cause resentment in her. If things are not improved, the resentment can lead to disrespect. It's one thing for a woman to feel disrespect in her heart......and it's quite another for her to show it. It often begins with some small action that shows an attitude that lacks a level of honor. If the H doesn't call her hand on it, then she becomes bolder over time. It's kind of like a schoolyard bully, who is daring you to stand up for yourself. Only, hers is coming from a place of resentment that's maybe she's had for several years. Part of her work in reconciliation is to forgive and let go of the past, which is very difficult for some women.

So what do you suggest? Do I let her know that I will have guidelines that 1 or 2 nights a week I will take care of boys while she goes to yoga but that she has to be more open with her communication, or too controlling? Any other yoga must be during week while boys are in school...which is really just Mon, Wed, Fri since one is in Pre-K.

I would not refer to them as your guidelines for her. That hints at control.

Let me ask, does she have a choice as to what time of the day she takes her classes (a.m. or p.m.)? If she has a choice, then you can simply state that you will not sit home and keep the kids while she's doing her yoga. She is doing all of this for a reason, and I think you know what it is. You will need to start focusing on you....and what you are willing to do....and what you are not willing to do.

Here's the thing......you cannot expect a cheater to show honor to an agreement, or to tell the trustworthy. Once it is proven they are a cheater, then why just take their word alone? The burden of proof is on her.....not you. IMHO, it is her responsibility to earn your trust. If she is sincere about ending the contact with OM, then she should have no problem in being transparent and doing whatever is necessary to assure you that she is not cheating. If she has something to hide, then she will continue to lie and be uncooperative.

These comments about how "it's not you, it's her" is not acceptable. Trouble is, she's pretty sure it holds you at bay while she continues playing her games. One thing I want you to notice about a WW is how she always wants to keep her H's friendship. She doesn't mention wanting the MR......just the friendship. I've seen it in most every WW story I've ever remember reading. That's b/c a friendship does not require romantic/sexual love. That's basically what you have now......only worse, b/c she doesn't treat you like a cherished friend, does she?