So Confused and Conflicted (7)

[WshIKnw]

When you say "worth making a sacrifice for" what kind of things was she asking for that it was such a sacrifice? Did she need tons of money and a third party in the bedroom?

Well, she wanted, for example, to go out more often, be around people, have couple friends. I was more interested in staying home. I had hobbies that I was extremely interested in, but they weren't worth more than my marriage. That's why I needed​ to understand how important the things she was asking me for were to her. And I didn't understand. You understand the mind of a woman, since you are one. So, it's clear to you that when a woman keeps asking for something, it could be a deal breaker for her, but I didn't get it, and I had very little relationship experience before her. Another example was that she wanted me to stop sleeping in the other bedroom during the week. I was only doing that because I was having trouble going back to sleep in the morning after getting woken up. Doing this sure as hell wasn't worth losing my marriage over, but I just didn't get how important this was to her, because I explained to her that it had nothing to do with rejecting her, and everything to do with sleeping better, and I thought she understood this. But she didn't, apparently.

It's just the saddest thing in the world, because I feel like she left me over a misunderstanding that I didn't love her, and over a desire to be with someone who did. But I did, and do, tremendously love her. It's tragic -- two people that really love each other breaking up because of a confusion on both sides. But she has flipped that switch, that I guess all women have in their brains, that allows them to go from tremendous love to tremendous hate, almost overnight. And now what can I do?

Women shouldn't hint around at stuff. If you need something in order to stay in the relationship, explicitly tell the guy that you have to have it, unless you just don't care whether the relationship survives, I guess.

For you to be willing to only give her something that is a "requirement" not to leave you is selfish. Maybe we don't always want to go way our of our way to meet someones needs, but I know when I chose to meet a need of my partner, it's not only to keep them put. It's because I care so much for them, I want their needs to be met.

I didn't just give her things that were requirements. I gave her a lot of things. For instance, she almost always got to eat wherever she wanted to eat. She didn't require that to stay in the marriage. I did it partly because I wanted her to be happy and partly because it didn't matter much to me. Everything I chose to do or not do was weighed in my mind: "how much does she want/need this?" versus "how much do I not want to do it?" Obviously, if it was something I also wanted​ to do, then it was not an issue, but if I didn't really want to do it, then I needed​ to know how important it was to her. And really important things she would never come right out and say how much they mattered to her. The only thing I can recall her ever saying that she had to have to be in a relationship with me was that I not be on any psychotropic medication. That was during our first year of dating. That ultimatum dramatically improved my life. For some reason, she would never give any more ultimatums. She would just complain about things. Act content/happy whether she got them or not. And then eventually left me all of a sudden for a guy at work. And very soon after leaving me, started having absolutely nothing to do with me.

I hate to say this, but she didn't leave without warning. Her way of telling you she was "unhappy" was by telling you her needs. You didn't want to sacrifice too much to meet them.

That's completely wrong, because I'm now willing to give her all the things she ever asked for. But you know why? Because as soon as she said "I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore" (BD), I finally understood how much she needed the things that I had been resistant about. I should have been asking her how important the things were to her, but I had no idea she would ever do anything like this. I was relying on her to tell me if she was nearing the end of her rope. In actuality, her leaving me didn't even hardly cross my mind. I couldn't imagine her leaving, and I couldn't imagine me leaving her. All I needed to know was how important these things were to her, but she would never just come right out and say it.

A warning is only effective as a warning if the person or organism perceives it as a warning. Warm bear poop would be a very strong warning in areas where grisly bears live, but only to someone that would recognize it as bear poop and realize that large bears are in the area. I have to be picking up what she's dropping down. And in matters as serious as keeping a marriage together, things should be very explicit. The survival of the marriage shouldn't rely on me getting hints or making inferences, that maybe only a woman, experienced/knowledgeable man, or psychologist would know to make.

I appreciate your perspective on this, Ginger. Please don't take what I've said as slamming you. I'm just explaining my perspective. I think it was much more the case that I didn't understand, more than it was the case that I was selfish. I was certainly a clueless husband, but not a selfish, a--hole husband.