You guys aren't going to believe this pt 2

[Zues126]

Journaling.

Had a therapy session last night. Our C was suprised to see me back again. He was sad that we are back in this predicament.

Basically, he thinks I have some sort of PTSD in relation to the previous bomb drops. As we got closer and closer to closing on our new house, my anxiety triggered (fear of her leaving me) and I lashed out when I felt her pulling away all of a sudden. Self-fulfilling prophecy?

I'm very conflicted about how feel. Most people tell me that this is a pattern and even if we did make it in the new house, eventually she would have left. It's just a matter of time.

Why oh why then do I still wish things could be fixed? I still love her.

I mentioned to C that WAW said I had no faith in her and that's why I have this fear that she'll leave again. C responded that she's the one who lost faith, 3 times.

Im trying to face my fears. I've basically been in a relationship since my teens. The longest I've been single is 3 months. I've never really experienced life completely on my own, and that scares me. I'm scared to be alone with my painful thoughts and depression, it often stirs up some really dark thoughts. I feel like I can only take so much before I lose it. The anxiety is probably the worst part. Constantly walking around with tunnel vision and a pit in my stomach, it just feels like it will never go away and that this is my new life.

I feel like to need to act quickly to fix things before WAW moves to another state. I'm in a race against time. I know realistically that there is nothing I can do to change WAW's mind or get her to reconsider. Detaching is very difficult.

I know that life will keep happening and I'll need to adjust accordingly. I just feel so sad about the death of our dream, our plans, our future. I wanted to grow old with WAW. I always envisioned us old and gray and visiting with our grandkids. It's so hard to let all those hopes and dreams vanish into thin air.

I get a lot of this. When you have a fear of abandonment it's natural to behave at your worst. It's counter-intuitive, you'd think if you were scared of being left you'd want to act your absolute best to prevent that from happening. But in reality you want to act your worst to 'test' how secure the relationship is, the reasoning being that if she doesn't leave when you're at your worst then you know you're safe. I picture it as two people tied together with a rope. If you're afraid the rope will break you start tugging incessantly to make sure it won't break. Not very effective though. Good to be aware of this dynamic. To make a relationship work you have to be able to transcend your feelings and behave according to your beliefs.

As for being alone, this is hard to believe so I saved this for second, hoping my first paragraph would lend some credibility that I understand how you feel. The truth is that you might be surprised at how being alone cures much of your depression. Oftentimes when we're depressed in a relationship it's a way to try to control your partner. By being depressed you put it on them to try to 'make you happy', etc. This is very standard codependent behavior. But once you're alone there is no one to control anymore. This sounds horrible, like 'oh no, there is no one that will medicate me so I'm not depressed'. But in reality once that person is gone anymore being depressed has no value. See, you were depressed for a good reason, it got you something you wanted. But alone it will do nothing for you so it wouldn't surprise me if you simply stopped feeling this way. Like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum trying to get what they want. Once they get sent to their room they stay mad for a while, but then they realize no one is listening to them or being affected by their fit but themselves, so they decide to calm down and stop being upset.

I speak on all of this from experience. I'm not saying divorce is a positive. Not at all. What I am saying is that I have never been better than the last two years after the BD dust settled. Too bad we never had a shot to see if we could break that dynamic without destroying a family and a marriage. But it turns out that the fear of abandonment is much worse than the reality. It's ok to feel terrified, just know in your head it won't be the nightmare you're afraid of. It's just life.