25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

A few thoughts on anger. Anger is inevitable although rage is not.

Do not be afraid of anger, often we need anger. Anger is a prime emotion and motivating. Anger is part of healing grief, a stage in the Kubler Ross cycle.


Anger can be white, driving and pure. Anger can be the Alaskan snow.

Anger can be red with rage, anger can be bile coloured with envy, anger can be puce with disgust, anger can be yellow with determination and anger can be white with motivation.

Above all, anger is just anger. An emotion and it is needed. Anger can carry you through trying times, through the tundra of divorce fins. Anger can carry the key to the door of freedom, it can give you the energy to bust that rusty lock to sunlight.

I waited a long time for my anger to come and when it did it was not as I expected. It did not hurt my soul nor drive me to wickedness, it gave me steely determination and helped me act with direction. It protected my soul and self against the tide of abuse. Anger saved me. I know anger can be a good friend. An emotion for reason and in the right way a battle cry for truth.

Embrace anger when it comes, say hello and thank you to the warrior emotion who is on your side and gives you the grace to push away the obstacles in your path. Use anger in your movement to be D. You may need it's help to push through some dark days ahead.

Please know anger can be a friend.

V

Vanilla

I appreciate your comments, as you know. I'm not sure why anger is so hard for me to maintain, b/c this is not how I was in my 20's. But I'm the child of an alcoholic and maybe it's a trigger?

ANGER....

For ME, anger is a hindrance to my moving forward.

I find that it prevents me from feeling deep happiness or joy. It makes me feel physically sick at times. Anger darkly colors the good in my life.

I am careful to ensure I am not running from anger, b/c you are right, it is a stage of grief.

That's totally valid & I will think on it.

Remember that I spent over a year of my life a decade ago, being angry.

It really pre-occupied me. It came out in conversations with nearly everyone I spoke to, and I'm a mother So my anger colored their lives and I wasn't as present to them as I wish I had been.

So, now, even though they are out of the house, I know they are worried about my health. I know they need to see me moving on and at peace. I know they really want this. I don't think anger, outside of legal matters, will help them.

2 of the 3 children absolutely do not want a reconciliation, they want me to say "good riddance to lunacy" and that's a quote. Maybe all 3 feel that way.

But, h is their dad and his DNA makes up half of them. If h is "bad/crazy/selfish", I worry very much that at some point they will either act this out, or have some part of themselves they do not love. I really worry about this.

Seeing me angry at him...man, I just think that will stink even more for them than this already does. But being assertive to get what I legally deserve, they want AND I want and am pursuing.

The anger I do feel at the "injustice" of things, & the present treatment in the divorce matters (ALL about money, as we have zero custody issues and no real estate now),

helps motivate me in the court matters.

THAT is the area in which I am allowing anger to motivate me b/c
I will not just "let ALL assets go" to end this ordeal earlier. I need financial security. I provided h's ability to earn what he earns now.

H was not an MD or even a medical student when we met. In fact he was a veterinary student (yes, he's got 2 medical degrees and is double board certified & yes we were married the whole time, and had S30 when h was a veterinarian )-

Recently in court h told the judge that he "is considering a fellowship in stem cell research and his income would decline and blah blah blah (h is 60...)

AND said he's buying into the partnership up there so his income is not really X and blah blah blah (idiotic to buy into a practice at his age AND refused to do it anywhere else, but you know, this is Alaska so those rules don't apply)

AND he wants "to help veterans" (odd, since h just left a Veteran's hospital in CA), AND said he wants to retire someday soon to travel (oh, really? Because that sure was MY hope & expectation)

so he's all over the place.

These^^ statements were in a court filing which h signed. I'm semi sure h does not know how that looks. OR did not read it? My L thinks h's own L is very frustrated with h as a client.

I have told my lawyers that I do not want anger to be a factor in any responses. But I do want the most I can get, fairly.

I got a wage garnishment b/c h never once informed me about what he'd pay or had paid or what a schedule of payments would be. Sometimes I'd discover a deposit in a random amount of money, in my bank. Oh goodie.

Otherwise, he'd MAIL a check from Alaska, usually mailed late, so I got ONE in the middle of last month, with a weird note hoping i "have moved on". Nice touch.

Since H kept all the funds at separation time, he will have to pay me half. He's in arrears for spousal support already. Mind you, H never even sent a text. I figured a garnishment would be easier for me AND for h. No more need to find a stamp or write a check or mail something on time.

This greatly angered him, I am told. H acts out when h is angry. Perhaps that was part of his need to overly share on FB about his "new honey"...who knows?? I'm told it was so over the top and just goony, that it really only gutted me for a few days.

So far, at least.

In the long run, unless something terribly weird happens in court, I will be fine financially. But something terribly weird COULD happen. And in the meantime, I'm extremely put out & financially stressed by his behavior. (Yes there is a court order.)

I have fears. Fear & anger together?? OMG I barely sleep some nights.

Without going into medical detail, good sleep is a factor in seizure resistance, and poor sleep is a factor in having seizures. I need to sleep well.

So I can't pull all nighters or keep waking up in the middle of the night feeling sick with anger, fear and grief.

I have to let these^^ go - outside of times when I do legal or financial work in daytime hours.

Do I need anger to motivate me? I personally don't. Some people do. I get that.

Anger in me could take years off my life. I believe that.

So, for ME, I want my freedom to GAL & LIVE MY LIFE, as a happy motivator.

But I will not cave in on assets, only to escape this and then to live my life in more financial stress. That hurts my happy motivator...



I wasn't in this^^ place, 10 years ago. I wanted to stay married. I wanted to regain what we once had or have the future I hoped for and sacrificed so much for (Time Machine talk)

AND b/c we had 2 children still at home. They loved their dad then...

Someday, I think I will look at h with sympathy for a damaged man who once had a great family & lost them. I hope we can be cordial or even friendly, someday.

(MOST DAYS), I also hope that someday our children (& I) will see real change in him, true improvement, even if it's for someone else.

It would be better for them to see that, than to see him go down in flames.


Vanilla, I'm still pondering your first post here.

More on that later. Thank you so much for your input. I really do think about it and process it.