Had a therapy session last night. Our C was suprised to see me back again. He was sad that we are back in this predicament.
Basically, he thinks I have some sort of PTSD in relation to the previous bomb drops. As we got closer and closer to closing on our new house, my anxiety triggered (fear of her leaving me) and I lashed out when I felt her pulling away all of a sudden. Self-fulfilling prophecy?
I'm very conflicted about how feel. Most people tell me that this is a pattern and even if we did make it in the new house, eventually she would have left. It's just a matter of time.
Why oh why then do I still wish things could be fixed? I still love her.
I mentioned to C that WAW said I had no faith in her and that's why I have this fear that she'll leave again. C responded that she's the one who lost faith, 3 times.
Im trying to face my fears. I've basically been in a relationship since my teens. The longest I've been single is 3 months. I've never really experienced life completely on my own, and that scares me. I'm scared to be alone with my painful thoughts and depression, it often stirs up some really dark thoughts. I feel like I can only take so much before I lose it. The anxiety is probably the worst part. Constantly walking around with tunnel vision and a pit in my stomach, it just feels like it will never go away and that this is my new life.
I feel like to need to act quickly to fix things before WAW moves to another state. I'm in a race against time. I know realistically that there is nothing I can do to change WAW's mind or get her to reconsider. Detaching is very difficult.
I know that life will keep happening and I'll need to adjust accordingly. I just feel so sad about the death of our dream, our plans, our future. I wanted to grow old with WAW. I always envisioned us old and gray and visiting with our grandkids. It's so hard to let all those hopes and dreams vanish into thin air.
