Here Again part 4

[Train]

I just want ... him to stop treating me like garbage.
I believe the hardest lesson we learn during times like this is that we have zero control of others and situations. I'd also suggest that one of the main *reasons* many of us girls, at least, are here is because of this one annoying problem: we're control-freaks. I know you want him to stop treating you like garbage, but HE has to decide to do that. Right now, he hasn't decided to. And it sure as heck ain't gonna happen when you're fighting fire with fire by ignoring him with an attitude or "nagging" him ... constantly talking about the M and how/why he's "here," questioning him and/or unleashing your fury ... almost on the daily.

Some anger - as in, WRATH - can be good. Most anger, however, is not.

In other words, you're smart to decide to STFU and carry through.

Detaching is so hard ... I would be lying if I said it doesn't consume a lot of my thoughts.
Of course. No one said it would be easy. In fact, everything I've read indicates the exact opposite: this will be the hardest thing you ever have to endure. (For the second time.) I've even argued that in the case of an A, it's harder to get through than a death.

Betrayal isn't a warm-and-fuzzy thing.

I do better when I don't have to see him
Yep. That's the catch. MWD says it's best if both partners stay in the house. And I've always been able to see why that would be the case. Neither time did I have that "luxury," because my H left me for OW1 and I kicked him out when I discovered OW2. I have to be honest: the chances of eventual reconciliation may be higher while living in the same house (because the wayward S has more opportunities to see the LBS' changes), but I really don't think it would have worked like that for H and me, for the very reasons you suggest. I would stew and *seethe* at just the sight of his face. Seeing him just every few days was better because I'd have had a few days of a break from the crazies, and I knew I could temporarily strap on my game face.

So, yeah, I totally get what you're saying here.

I really don't feel as though he's conflicted ... I guess I just feel that if he was conflicted he would be treating me better or making some type of effort
Again, you're in the throes of negative thinking, so I totally expect you'd not be able to see what I'm pointing out to you. You will see it with a little time and distance.

I think him pointing out the pool/hot tub chemicals, the fact that he still wants to go to counseling, etc. was absolutely (ridiculous to us, but) his way of saying he IS putting forth effort. And, T0, let's face it: he *could* walk out the door. He could sit on his a$s and make your life a living hell-o right now. Humans have free will. We are free to come and go. (Granted, we're not free from *consequences* of the choices we make with that free will, but that's another talk show ...)

You're here, on a DB site, and one of the first steps is to start with a beginner's mind. To go back to that mentality was advice given to me the second time I was here. It's easier said than done, but I'll pitch it to you as advice now, too.

He told me every time we talk about stuff I push him further away. I know me talking to him pushes him further away.
Yyyyyyep.

I know smiling at him and what not is for me and I know thats when the tables turned last time but I just am not there right now.
You're not supposed to be "there" before you start it. *Nobody* who is *here* is "there." If you were "there," you wouldn't be *here.* I mean ... seriously.

My feelings are hurt and I am super resentful.
I get that. But you have to decide what you want in your life right now. And YOU have to start making it happen. Moping and being resentful will keep you stuck right where you are. And it's not very attractive.

And PS, I'm not really concerned about what is attractive to your H right now. But I *do* care how you're perceiving yourSELF in that ^^^ mindset and what that does to your PMA.