Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

The cardiology PA just came and said they may try to squeeze in my ablation tomorrow but they have to check the schedule. I have a lot of time no my hands right now so I will play catch up to you amazing folks.

Leahsue,
Your post brought a big smile to my face, the imagery you painted was touching and soothed my bruised heart. It's funny to feel so close to people who you've never "spoken" to or seen but I feel these bonds are real.

ForGump,
I have asked my WH in the past what he means by "falling" for me and he really struggles. He feels it should just happen, that there shouldn't be any real work but rather its about feelings not thought. The jaded part of myself feels he is describing limerence and has not real idea of deep, solid, true love. He seems stuck at the emotional level of a child when it comes to relationships.

Sotto,
I definitely need to go back to the drawing board and re-think my strategy. I have to let go of the rope and stop waiting on WH to catch up. This experience has been incredibly eye opening about how broken WH is and how I can't be the one to glue him back together. I need to accept that he may never reach out for the tools to fix his character disorder. I have to work harder on the relationships that deserve my focus and time. And I really need to try and be more mindful of the now with my children. My parenting is definitely not 100% since the start of this roller coaster. While the door hasn't thumped down it is definitely closing. Each day WH kills a little more of my love for him.

Sky,
I have tried the going dark/dim thing and when WH is more approachable he said he felt I was being mean and cold. I scheduled trips to my moms with the kids and he complained he felt I was purposely taking his time away with them. (I would stay at my moms until evening and he would be home for a few hours from work. He would become more cold and hostile to me in the house. In the past WH told me to hug him even if he said no, this was a disaster the first time I implemented it (WH acted as he were going to be violent) so I stopped doing that. When WH opens up (rarely) I get such contradictory ideas from him, he says he wants me to force love on him and later he says he wants to never be in my presence. He appears to not even know what he wants or thinks. I feel like I've DB my heart out and WH continues to keep our marriage in limbo. The few days/minutes I see his true self is overshadowed by the huge gaps of time he treats me awful. This can't be good for our kids to see. In the end I may have to be the one to drop the hammer and file. Living like this has cost a huge price in my mental and physical health.