Detaching is so hard as I'm preparing to have a baby as I'm sure you know. I just want things to be okay and him to stop treating me like garbage. I know that as each day passes it will get easier but I would be lying if I said it doesn't consume a lot of my thoughts. I do better when I don't have to see him which I think is why I was able to STFU last night. When he's home it hurts me to have him walk by me as if I don't exist. But in his mind when I have said those things to him in the past - he asks why I can't initiate things. He always says "why do i have to kiss your ass?"
I really don't feel as though he's conflicted. I guess my negative mind goes to thinking that he A - doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy among our friends/family for leaving his pregnant wife and B- financially it's cheaper to stay. I guess I just feel that if he was conflicted he would be treating me better or making some type of effort. Things are the worst right now that they have been this entire time.
I know that me talking to him makes it worse. He told me every time we talk about stuff I push him further away. I know me talking to him pushes him further away.
I just don't see how there is any hope. I'm not trying to sound negative but his actions show me nothing but leading toward divorce. I really don't want to do this all over again and I don't understand how he snaps and this happens. For the first 10 years of our relationship he was never this person until 1st BD. Even after piecing he was never this person.
I know smiling at him and what not is for me and I know thats when the tables turned last time but I just am not there right now. My feelings are hurt and I am super resentful. I am trying not to let that show. I'm pretty sure my head spun around like the exorcist Monday night when I told him to get out and to not disrespect this house by talking to someone else while he's living under this roof.
And yes this baby will be here super soon! I can't believe it. I am really hoping some magic will happen and he will get his stuff together by then but I know that's doubtful. We are supposed to go to counseling together but that was before everything happened Saturday night so I don't think that will be happening. I will probably keep the appointment and just go alone.
