The more you detach, the more you will see things clearly. Right now, you're in the throes of negative thinking because you haven't untangled yourself from his crazies. (FYI: your attitude/outlook changes almost instantaneously when you stop talking to H; I've noticed that in your posts the couple times when you've backed off.)
Fwiw, what I'm seeing is a H who is conflicted. I'm guessing he has this "work friend" in one ear, and she represents that good ol' carefree (unrealistic) life ... right at the time his W is about to have aNOTHER baby. (And, right or wrong, most every man I know has silently freaked OUT about the impending responsibility of a child.) But, T, I *do* see him, from what you write, struggling with what he's doing. That tells me, even though I don't like him much right now, that he at least *does* have a conscience in their somewhere.
But, if we're being petty (and I am for a minute), if you want his conscience and his guilt to HAUNT him day in and day out, if you want to transfer your anguish to him, just be friendly and, yes, STFU. I really do believe that his own conscience is affecting him FAR MORE than anything you're saying to/questioning of him.
Detachment, to the point that you're actually able to smile at H when you cross him in the hall, is for YOU. Not him. It will help calm your soul and free your spirit. Work every day to find that place.
Hang in there, T. You are stronger than you think.
PS April 23?!? HOLY CRAP! Almost time! We better get some notifications!! Like, make us feel we're right there with you!!!!! I want to know EVERYTHING! *As it is happening*!!!!!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
