Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Sky,
You are always the voice of reason. I need to post an update but please know that I appreciate your wisdom and constant kindness.

Today at work I was trying to stay focused with only two hours of sleep and slogging through my day. After lunch I was walking down the hall when I started having chest pain and then got very dizzy and passed out. This resulted in an ambulance ride to the hospital and now I am in telemetry. While in the ambulance I felt pressure and pain as well as jaw pain which was relieved with sublingual nitroglycerin. I was very frightened at the time thinking maybe I was having an MI.

My EKG is showing anomalies and they are having me monitored right now. WH showed up and was kind and gentle. He went out of his way to get me dinner and then made sure to hang a get-well banner my coworkers made for me. Before he left he gave an awkward side hug. Man, am I confused.

Physically I am tapped out and emotionally I am drained. I am letting go of the rope and if WH wants to leave, there's the door. I need to let go of the fantasy of an intact family to raise my children. In the end WH may not have the tools or the desire to make himself a better person. I need to turn inward and heal my body and my heart...both literally and figuratively. This man literally has broken my heart and still cannot mount the actions required to show remorse and help me heal. I need to accept that and come to the realization that I may walk the rest of my life journey alone. I never wanted this but I think it's time to stop fighting so hard. I've done every single thing possible to save this marriage and have paid my dues in life expectancy.

I am blessed though, the outpouring of love and kindness from my friends, my cousin and coworkers has been amazing. I have at least 5 people I could call this minute and they would come if I needed them. I am filled with gratitude and humbleness experiencing their compassion. I know no matter what WH does or says about "lack" of good qualities that I only have to look at how my friends surrounded me with their love to know it's not true. This has been an eye opening experience.