25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

(((25)))

I am so sorry!! Big hug to you!

I appreciate your support. I really truly do.

The term "MLC" is a big question mark for me now.

It has long been a question for me & some others (see Vanilla's post on this thread). I thought h was in MLC for 2 reasons.

One, b/c I WANTED TO - b/c I somehow came to believe it was better than or more hopeful than any other option, and as far as I know there was no OW then.
But I've seen "MLCers" come back from affairs, only slightly less than those without.

But those without affair partners who actually leave - in my experience, tend to have more long run psychological issues, which I did not see in my h, then.

Second, I thought it was MLC b/c at least some of his behaviors were new and different from before.

Still, I'm just not sure how useful this ^^ info is. And now, 10 years later, the "new" behaviors of his only partly reverted. Some of the more responsible h came back, but within a year or two, some of the deceptions (not about Alaska) like about finances
were repeated, though I didn't know for a long time.

A lot of the new unappealing behaviors stuck around and morphed into being really more irritable and critical, 2 years after the "MLC" episode supposedly had ended.

Guilt converting into shame into blame? WHO KNOWS?

I'm tired of trying to figure out the motivation or emotions or plans of someone else.


I believe in the unresolved childhood issues

Well, they exist. I get that. My dad was a brilliant but alcoholic lawyer. So I read up on and learned about how that might affect me in adult life. I did that decades ago.

So many of us do resolve them - OR we don't impose our unmet needs from childhood, onto others. Bottom line, it's not acceptable for me to pick up this mess.

but I am questioning the "coming out of it".. I read your story, I look at ex-H's way of life, I look at others from the past and I do not see things the way I used to. Piecing for me would have been a HUGE mistake.

I understand the feeling you get when you begin to see things differently. I did for awhile but it was vague and I was afraid. Ironically after my mom died and that horrible series of events took place, was I aware of how much grief i really could stand.
That was why I KNEW I would not go back to Alaska...not given the givens.

But only after the hospital stay was I truly confronted with what I had, and did not have. And would never have. That was when the vacillation stopped.

As for piecing being a mistake, I assume you mean reconciling. Well, here's an anecdote that may resonate.

My uncle left my lovely aunt decades ago for OW. The OW was not his first but after the h of the OW, committed suicide, my uncle felt compelled to marry her and raise HER kids, not his own.

Anyhow, years later, the OW (now W#2) called my aunt to ask my aunt if Uncle was there!

meaning, he was cheating on the "new" wife too. And my aunt said it was truly then in her heart and head, that she knew how much more peace was in her life. No more stomach aches wondering if her xh was dead in a car crash or with OW or just really working late.

I think he did her a favor. BUT yes, I wish he had been a better man.

Likewise, I wish my h were a better man. The man he could have become, but did not.

Ex-H is cycling. Always has and probably always will be. I see OW(s) been treated the way he was treating me. I actually do not wish this on anyone. Not even them.. The secrets, the lies, the love and the anger.... you all know what I am talking about..

You were and are an inspiration. Sharing your update will help, not only you but many others. Your knowledge is TRUE WISDOM.. You are a beautiful soul whom I look up to!

I feel bitterness and anger toward your soon to be ex-H. I really wish your marriage would be HAPPELY restored. since it was not and he rinsed and repeated, I think it is better this way for you. You will be relieved of so many deceptions.

I am sending you love and positive vibes and a request to God to bless you and be with you in this time of hardship! xox

Keep sharing please. We care a great deal about you!

Thank you very much, truly