25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

Sotto,

Blu, Mach, Thornton and all who post (I'm missing others but for now, will continue)

it means a lot to come to this place.

Am I all fine and happy? No. Of course not. But I'm dealing. I'm coping. I am not huddling.

There are days I want to and days I think that it's good I have a dog or I would not have wanted to go out.

My car arrives next week (could not drive for 6 months, which is up next week).

So my GAL and new therapist and reaching out to old friends who say they are there for me and most will be,

will have to really increase.

The good news?? I don't have a large capacity for misery, that I can sustain. I cannot be depressed for long.

But this is not depression so much as grief. I will grieve and I will deal. I won't become paralyzed by staring at it but I won't run away from it b/c then it pushes you in a direction or relationship you are not choosing freely.

I'll process it. I will get through it.

The past 18 months I have lost my mom, our last child went to college, (had the whole homicide weirdness tossed in) we sold our home and moved to a place I have since left, again, and the marriage ended.

Oh, and out of nowhere I had a few grand mal seizures (you know, the sexy kind).

I'm doing my best and for the most part the authentic feedback I get is that I'm doing really well. My health became THE focus, so in some ways I put the marriage crisis on the back burner.

one big goal i have is to feel more purpose in my life, and that has to do with a lot of loss or roles (not a daughter, not a wife, less of a mom, etc) not employed yet,

and that will come.

But I have identified it as a nagging sense of self doubt, plus the seizure thing hurt my memory and I hate stuff that makes me feel less brilliant

or, God forbid, forget a punch line.

So I'm working on it.

I deeply appreciate your feedback. Seriously.