25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

When I say I miss him, other than day to day things I know we both enjoyed b/c in many many ways we were well suited...what I really am mourning is 1 of 2 things.

1) The past

It's as if I want a time machine to go back to what we once had, b/c it was damn good. And for years I held onto what we once had b/c I believed we could get there again...so I missed the past marriage. Some folks don't really have that, but they miss something else.

AND OR

2) the hoped for future - I missed what I felt we were going to have, what I hoped we'd have. Traveling in our retirement years (which we could be doing now, btw) sharing hobbies, building a lovely home...visiting our children...

Good lord....that ^^^ makes War and Peace look like a Reader's Digest story....

Whew...

: )

Mach, I had so many variations of my Tome, that I finally felt like in the interest of disclosure to just put it out. THANKS for trying to read it and for finding something above that was recently learned by me

Yes - the whole time machine piece of this. If only.....


Ya know what ??

I would be a lot more worried about you if you didn't feel that way..

I think the key is, that you should miss those things. And I think that it's pretty normal to see them in that way.


See them for what they were, and still are without distorting an entire relationship together. Try not to demonize him to justify the decisions that you are making now. And I don't think that you are. It just becomes too terribly easy to use that anger as a diving platform to get from the kiddie pool to the big girl pool, ya know ?


You are not kidding. I've always known in my HEAD that anger wasn't useful (and btw, it never ever worked in my marriage anyhow). At least not the past several years.

So it is not going to help ME now, so that's all that matters.

Oh and because the anger that sometimes creeps in, can overtake and consume. Just makes you sick.

If it is "justice" that we want, we must accept that first, NO, life is not fair.

(In the grand scheme of things if we are reading this while knowing half the world uses dung for heat, we are already proving life isn't fair.

Not to mention the friends or family we all know who died young, or who face challenges far beyond our heartbreak, as bad as this feels...)


But let's say my h never faces the trail of destruction his choices created, let's say he successfully hides from them, and at least seems super happy in his new life with his new friends - and let's say that lasts for decades - till he leaves the planet Let's say there is not even a deathbed regret uttered...okay, seems like he "Got away" with something, which might be true.

So, what are MY options?

for ME to be happy for decades till I leave the planet. That's without the whole "attract them back" piece, which is not on my radar, frankly.

If you want to "lessen the score" you have to realize the only "points" we can make are our own.

We cannot decrease their points or lessen their happiness, unless you want to go all "Fatal Attraction" on them and then we lessen our own score and our children's, too.


So we minimize our losses - by maxing out on our gains. We do what makes us happier or more at peace or brings us joy and balance. Especially if there were things we were not able to do while married to our spouses. Mine was a health nut who scoffed at all gluten, but my dad became a chef the second half of his life and I reaking LIKE to cook & eat French & Italian food. Anyhow, that's a small example.

So We live well. However that looks and whatever it takes, that is what WE do

I can & do "know" in my heart , that my h lost a devoted loyal loving woman (who, I might add, is damn hilarious). I lost a man I once loved and admired deeply. But it's quite possible that man went away long ago and I just didn't know, or he became part time, or whatever. He's gone now.

I can KNOW that he missed out on so much of our children's lives...so very much he will never know...the nights of tucking them in & hearing about their fears and dreams, the drives to school and events, daily, both ways and that's when you learn about your child's LIFE and that is how they know about YOURS and my God I would not give that up for anything...

it does not matter IF h ever really realizes what he lost...(the truth itself might not matter to him, OR the truth might destroy him. I truly am not sure).

But I do know what I gained.


I was telling someone the other day, that even after almost 10 years, I still try to honor my wedding vows.

I still love the girl that I married and walked down the aisle to me. There will always be a special place for her, regardless what has transpired between us.

I hope and think I will get there^^. At the moment a lot of things that once brought me joy, now bring me pain right.

I was in the grocery store and our wedding song came on. It paralyzed me. Church and our private personal prayers, made me weep.



I still choose to honor her, by not talking schidt about her,


Interesting viewpoint and I want to have it.

I have a question/remark. I have always told my kids their dad loves them, (even in the face of long absences and weird behavior.) I mean, for years. And in his goony way, I really believe he does love them.

But after his OW and SO HAPPY FB posts, they told me clearly, "Do not tell us Dad loves us. Do not defend dad anymore..."

That was clear... I have to respect their wishes, but man, that was unexpected.

I think they want me to just move on and that defending him, or saying he loves them, sounds as if I am not. But I am.

and being okay with her choices, and generally living a good life for myself

I still cherish the memories that we made together, and the children that I am a Father to that are one half of her...to dis-respect her, is to disrespect half of them too.

Yes^^^.


I get asked a lot about forgiveness...

I'm not sure that ^^^ is it, but somehow, I feel that it's pretty close..

Maybe it's a combination of acceptance and forgiveness...

Either way...

I did it before, I can do it again, I think. Money issues bother me (its a fear b/c I gave up a lot for his career)

but in the long run after the ordeal is done, I think I'll be okay and then, I THINK (but am not positive) that tensions between us will lessen.

God I hope so.


So where do you wanna be 25 ???

Well, I made a list of things I mourned the loss of, by having the marriage end.

Which included living and traveling overseas, rehabbing a house, maintaining a certain standard of living, a bucket list of sorts, and such, ETC

Then I looked at the list and started thinking of ways for me to do at least some of this^^ list, without h.

And happily, I find that there ARE several things I wanted and hoped to do with h, that I can do without him.

Is that what you mean?