Here Again part 4

[T384]

Previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2736735&page=all

Nothing to report. H stayed on the couch and we aren't talking.

I called the counselor today to see if it's even worth keeping the appointment. I really don't want to waste appointments on H when he is saying and showing he's done when I could use the appointment s for myself. Since they are through my work they don't cost me anything but I only get so many per calendar year.

He was very surprised at H's actions because the last we met there was some forward progress. He still wants to meet with him.

I feel so exhausted from this. I feel so angry and resentful. H said I try to pick fights with him. I'm just so sick of being accused of everything g and being treated like garbage.

I told him not to mistake my kindness for weakness and that you can only push someone so far. I know when this baby comes I'm going to be so much more angry with him for doing this.

Anyway I worked today I'll be going home after and I'm off til next Tuesday. I have tons of school work to do and I'm hoping I can concentrate

Going to try and take a big glass of stfu. Just telling myself it's over and I will be divorced and that he's not my husband so I don't have any need to question what he's doing. I will not be intimate with him.

[Train]

T0, be sure to read (several times) doodler's last post in your last thread. It's a WINNER.

[T384]

Thanks Train,

I read it a few times along with my threads with all the advice from everyone.

So H told me last night he needs space from me. He doesn't want to talk. I told him if he wants space and his plan is to act like I don't exist then he needs to leave the house because I'm not living in an environment like that. I told him he treats strangers with more respect then me. Then he tried to say nothing is going on he just needs space and to figure out how to deal with how he's feeling and that I only see the negative but I can't see how he's trying to show me he cares about me. Like he mulched the yard on Saturday before he went out and then cleaned the pool/hot tub did all the chemicals yesterday. I was kind of dumbfounded. Yes I appreciate those things but really??? So because you did that for me it erases everything else that he's been doing including staying out all night. He just said he doesn't know what I think is going on and that I must know something he doesnt. I just told him to stop and not to insult my intelligence.

I just told him I'm done pretending things are going to be okay. It's over and he needs to go if he can't be respectful that this isn't a hotel or a bachelor pad.

Then this morning I get a message from his boss. Explaining what happened Saturday night. Basically telling me he stayed there and was way too intoxicated to drive. Funny - he told me he was fine to drive and didn't stay out late because I ruined his night and he chose not to come home because he didn't want to deal with me. I didn't respond to his boss. I don't want to get his work involved and I really don't know what to believe.

Kind of odd when I tell him he needs to get out because I know something is going on that his boss messages me. I'm not going to give anymore thought to that. I have absolutely zero intention of talking to him. I'm going to take the boys to soccer tonight and I'll just take them to dinner after.

He's started leaving working early and coming to soccer practice. It's been almost a year since he was doing that.

I'm 100% focusing on the baby and my school. Minus discussing my stuff here.

[BluWave]

I still call BS on him. All of this points to lying and cheating, and especially now trying to fish for what you may know. Trust your gut--it knows the truth! Trust yourself always. And shame on his boss for getting involved--that is very unprofessional--glad you ignored him.

I'm glad you're setting strong boundaries; you do not have to tolerate his lying, drinking, and staying out all night. I honestly don't care what he has against you right now and how he wants to justify this. What matters most are the kids, your health, and preparing for this baby. So even if there is no OW, his priorities are whack and his behavior is deplorable. Leave him be, he has to live with his choices. Don't give him any reasons to aim fire at you! Rise above him.

So what little things can you do each day to feel better? Are there little things that help you focus on kids and not him and his actions? A daily warm bath, takeout, more ice cream, pampering day, a new outfit for after birth, haircut, etc, because it's easier to manage than just telling yourself to detach/GAL, etc, as that can be overwhelming. Those little things do add up and feel good!

It seems like there are a lot of M/R talks still and I just can't see how that helps anything--I think it's giving him an outlet to justify his crap behavior. What if you just put your hand up and said "Please stop, we both know what's going on and there is no point in discussing it every day. You already know where I stand on all of this." Exit room/end call. Let him stew in it.

I think you get better results and feel better when you stay away from him. Do you have another support system lined up for the birth? I want you to know you have help, love, and people that you can rely on that day.

I still think it may be worth while to hire a PI and confirm there is OW. That way you have that taken care of and if you want separation or D down the road, you at least have the confirmation. Maybe your dad would help arrange or pay? He seems to have your back. Then you dont have to worry/wonder--hire, pay the person, and dust your hands of that fear for right now.

GIANT Hugs,
Blu

[T384]

Day 1 of STFU down.

Not sure if STFU was the right angle today but I did it. We didn't talk since I told him to get out etc last night

He text me around 6 to let me know he was working late to paint parts for a friend. I just replied ok. Didn't ask for a time or pry.

He walked in at 10. Very hard to bite my tongue because I knew he expected me to ask or say something but I didn't. He came in and didn't say a word went straight to take the dogs out and shower.

He got out came in the room to kiss the boys goodnight. Asked me if he still had his appointment at 4 tomorrow with the counselor. I just said I would send him the number he could cancel himself. He said no he was going and told me goodnight and went to the couch.

Not sure if I should be keeping quiet when he's coming home at 10. The only reason I felt like I should be quiet was because he sent me a text to tell me he would be late.

Anyway. I'm hoping to continue this silence until I can have this baby. I'm hoping. It will be easier for me as the days pass. I have zero intention of inquiring or changing my behavior after his appointment tomorrow.

I am hoping this baby stays put until April 25! I have been having a ton of contractions off and on. I'm drinking plenty of water. I go to the dr Thursday so we will see. I'm not ready yet!! My baby shower is April 23 loltalk about last minute.

Anyway - taking it day by day. Things are probably at the worst they've been since this started.

[Train]

The more you detach, the more you will see things clearly. Right now, you're in the throes of negative thinking because you haven't untangled yourself from his crazies. (FYI: your attitude/outlook changes almost instantaneously when you stop talking to H; I've noticed that in your posts the couple times when you've backed off.)

Fwiw, what I'm seeing is a H who is conflicted. I'm guessing he has this "work friend" in one ear, and she represents that good ol' carefree (unrealistic) life ... right at the time his W is about to have aNOTHER baby. (And, right or wrong, most every man I know has silently freaked OUT about the impending responsibility of a child.) But, T, I *do* see him, from what you write, struggling with what he's doing. That tells me, even though I don't like him much right now, that he at least *does* have a conscience in their somewhere.

But, if we're being petty (and I am for a minute), if you want his conscience and his guilt to HAUNT him day in and day out, if you want to transfer your anguish to him, just be friendly and, yes, STFU. I really do believe that his own conscience is affecting him FAR MORE than anything you're saying to/questioning of him.

Detachment, to the point that you're actually able to smile at H when you cross him in the hall, is for YOU. Not him. It will help calm your soul and free your spirit. Work every day to find that place.

Hang in there, T. You are stronger than you think.

PS April 23?!? HOLY CRAP! Almost time! We better get some notifications!! Like, make us feel we're right there with you!!!!! I want to know EVERYTHING! *As it is happening*!!!!!

[Train]

Correction: he at least does have a conscience in *there somewhere.

There, their, they're ... LOL!

[T384]

Hey Train!

Detaching is so hard as I'm preparing to have a baby as I'm sure you know. I just want things to be okay and him to stop treating me like garbage. I know that as each day passes it will get easier but I would be lying if I said it doesn't consume a lot of my thoughts. I do better when I don't have to see him which I think is why I was able to STFU last night. When he's home it hurts me to have him walk by me as if I don't exist. But in his mind when I have said those things to him in the past - he asks why I can't initiate things. He always says "why do i have to kiss your ass?"

I really don't feel as though he's conflicted. I guess my negative mind goes to thinking that he A - doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy among our friends/family for leaving his pregnant wife and B- financially it's cheaper to stay. I guess I just feel that if he was conflicted he would be treating me better or making some type of effort. Things are the worst right now that they have been this entire time.

I know that me talking to him makes it worse. He told me every time we talk about stuff I push him further away. I know me talking to him pushes him further away.

I just don't see how there is any hope. I'm not trying to sound negative but his actions show me nothing but leading toward divorce. I really don't want to do this all over again and I don't understand how he snaps and this happens. For the first 10 years of our relationship he was never this person until 1st BD. Even after piecing he was never this person.

I know smiling at him and what not is for me and I know thats when the tables turned last time but I just am not there right now. My feelings are hurt and I am super resentful. I am trying not to let that show. I'm pretty sure my head spun around like the exorcist Monday night when I told him to get out and to not disrespect this house by talking to someone else while he's living under this roof.

And yes this baby will be here super soon! I can't believe it. I am really hoping some magic will happen and he will get his stuff together by then but I know that's doubtful. We are supposed to go to counseling together but that was before everything happened Saturday night so I don't think that will be happening. I will probably keep the appointment and just go alone.

[T384]

Also,

I am so super nervous about today. I know that it doesn't matter but I just think about the last time he went to counseling during previous BD. It was basically to just figure out how to move forward with divorce. I know I can't change anything that happens but if he comes home and tells me he wants a divorce and it's over after talking to the counselor I will make him leave.

We are supposed to go to our accountant together tomorrow to do our taxes. I wonder if I should call the counselor to see how things went before I go to the tax appointment or if I should just see the accountant separately. Last time we went through this I filed separately.

Tonight when he comes home I should just do the same as last night, right? Maybe I'll say hello but nothing more. I won't ask about the appointment or any other questions. Then I'll just go to my room. ugh I hate this

[Train]

I just want ... him to stop treating me like garbage.
I believe the hardest lesson we learn during times like this is that we have zero control of others and situations. I'd also suggest that one of the main *reasons* many of us girls, at least, are here is because of this one annoying problem: we're control-freaks. I know you want him to stop treating you like garbage, but HE has to decide to do that. Right now, he hasn't decided to. And it sure as heck ain't gonna happen when you're fighting fire with fire by ignoring him with an attitude or "nagging" him ... constantly talking about the M and how/why he's "here," questioning him and/or unleashing your fury ... almost on the daily.

Some anger - as in, WRATH - can be good. Most anger, however, is not.

In other words, you're smart to decide to STFU and carry through.

Detaching is so hard ... I would be lying if I said it doesn't consume a lot of my thoughts.
Of course. No one said it would be easy. In fact, everything I've read indicates the exact opposite: this will be the hardest thing you ever have to endure. (For the second time.) I've even argued that in the case of an A, it's harder to get through than a death.

Betrayal isn't a warm-and-fuzzy thing.

I do better when I don't have to see him
Yep. That's the catch. MWD says it's best if both partners stay in the house. And I've always been able to see why that would be the case. Neither time did I have that "luxury," because my H left me for OW1 and I kicked him out when I discovered OW2. I have to be honest: the chances of eventual reconciliation may be higher while living in the same house (because the wayward S has more opportunities to see the LBS' changes), but I really don't think it would have worked like that for H and me, for the very reasons you suggest. I would stew and *seethe* at just the sight of his face. Seeing him just every few days was better because I'd have had a few days of a break from the crazies, and I knew I could temporarily strap on my game face.

So, yeah, I totally get what you're saying here.

I really don't feel as though he's conflicted ... I guess I just feel that if he was conflicted he would be treating me better or making some type of effort
Again, you're in the throes of negative thinking, so I totally expect you'd not be able to see what I'm pointing out to you. You will see it with a little time and distance.

I think him pointing out the pool/hot tub chemicals, the fact that he still wants to go to counseling, etc. was absolutely (ridiculous to us, but) his way of saying he IS putting forth effort. And, T0, let's face it: he *could* walk out the door. He could sit on his a$s and make your life a living hell-o right now. Humans have free will. We are free to come and go. (Granted, we're not free from *consequences* of the choices we make with that free will, but that's another talk show ...)

You're here, on a DB site, and one of the first steps is to start with a beginner's mind. To go back to that mentality was advice given to me the second time I was here. It's easier said than done, but I'll pitch it to you as advice now, too.

He told me every time we talk about stuff I push him further away. I know me talking to him pushes him further away.
Yyyyyyep.

I know smiling at him and what not is for me and I know thats when the tables turned last time but I just am not there right now.
You're not supposed to be "there" before you start it. *Nobody* who is *here* is "there." If you were "there," you wouldn't be *here.* I mean ... seriously.

My feelings are hurt and I am super resentful.
I get that. But you have to decide what you want in your life right now. And YOU have to start making it happen. Moping and being resentful will keep you stuck right where you are. And it's not very attractive.

And PS, I'm not really concerned about what is attractive to your H right now. But I *do* care how you're perceiving yourSELF in that ^^^ mindset and what that does to your PMA.