25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[25yearsmlc]

Thornton

Thank you. I've been sad about it. Resolute, but also very sad.

More than one person says h is ill, "gone rogue" or just super selfish. He was darn mean after i was sick. Just ugly. And for nothing, so I knew he was out, no matter what else he said when asked. And it was incredibly clarifying as to what I had to do.

He's either mentally ill but functioning, or an actual narcissist (which, btw, does not reflect well on me or make me a victim)

or he became a person who says nothing that bothers him and then lashes out and leaves but never ever really owns that he's actually doing the leaving. That would not look good. So he practically dared me to file for D.

Irrelevant. As for that^^, my S30's comment "Good riddance to lunacy" is a mantra.

That^^ is his sandbox and I have my own sandbox to work on, b/c I am absolutely flawed.

I don't think I "wasted" 10 years with him (which would stink)-

but factoring him at all in my life's choices now, would be a waste.

For purposes of choosing my next move, it will be with the idea that he's passed away or on Mars.

H simply cannot factor in or I'll be reacting to him the rest of my life. Been there, done that.

And I am mostly at peace. Regrets? Sure. Financial worries? Some.

But increasingly I feel release from that weird sick feeling you get about a m, like what are they REALLY thinking but you ask and they don't say and you feel uneasy...well,

he IS gone and I am still alive. I don't have to wonder anymore. And my children and family still love me. I can eat gluten again, Do volunteer work that h would've treated dismissively.

Sometimes, more often lately, I get excited about my future without him

Yikes, ^ That statement itself is a little sad, but I'm not dealing with "Shoulda/coulda/woulda" (the "subjunctives") anymore.

The divorce itself stinks and is incredibly distressing. Really. But it won't last forever. (Right??)

This is where I am now. So what's next?