Just picked up DB book yesterday so not far in but I have been lurking and reading a lot here over the past few days.
My wife appears to be going through many challenges. It cannot be pinpointed to just 1 area of concern. I believe she is struggling through a MLC where she believes that she has not had a purpose in life and feels unfulfilled. She has not worked since being pregnant with our first child in 2007 (we have 2 now - 9 and 5) and had chosen to be a stay at home mom which I have supported. I have also been supportive of her taking jobs which she never ended up pursuing. She just turned 39 and has decided now to get her Yoga certification and start teaching. I'm very proud of her and have voiced this many times. However we have had some challenges in our marriage, most related to lack of communication and lack of intimacy. Again she also feels like she has lacked a purpose in life, has never been on her own, has very few friends other than me, her mom, and her best friend who is 1000+ miles away. I try to re-assure her of what a good mom she is and how important that job is but she shrugs it off.
She has been taking yoga classes for 6-12 months and has a newfound passion it that. A month or so ago she became very distant after signing up for yoga certification program which starts in a week or so, which will allow her to teach. She then started doing things to give herself time to think...staying out late, going to bars, making every excuse to not be home with the kids and I...yoga in the evening, shopping, etc. On the weekends she will disappear for hours on end without any communication. During this time she started an emotional affair which I highly suspect is now physical, I have proof but she continues to deny. This with an ex-boyfriend from very long ago that she struck up a conversation with because he is divorced and she was looking for advice. She claims to have cut ties with him after I saw her car at his house but at a minimum I think she is still communicating with the other. Her car was there but she claims she only went there to go for a ride on his motorcycle so she could relax. When she is away for hours, she has gotten a bit better about letting me know what she is up to, but there are still many times where she is out of touch and this drives me crazy...hard not to think of what she is doing and who she is with.
When I have attempts at communicating with her about us, she just gives me the usual cliche excuses, "It's not you it's me", "You are a great husband and father", "You are a great provider", "I feel lonely", "I don't know what I want anymore" "I don't know who you are anymore", "I feel like a child because I've never been on my own" , "You are my best friend and I never want to lose that" etc. She voices that the children are her #1 priority but she still leaves nearly all of the parenting and household duties to me in the evenings and on the weekends. She literally tunes out and gets on her phone to play games, surf Internet, or she sleeps while at home. I often also take over all responsibilities when she goes to the evening yoga classes or goes shopping.
She DOES have some real positives going on in her life: pursuing a career, a job as soon as she completes her certification in 9 weeks or so, passion for yoga, weight loss and fitness, a truly caring and loving husband (self promotion), 2 wonderful kids, etc. Why she doesn't see all these blessings is beyond me.
But now I find myself faced with multiple challenges as to why she is so cold toward me - 1) an affair is taking place (I don't trust it's over even though she claims it is), 2) she's discontent and feeling unfulfilled (even though she is pursuing her yoga passion), 3) physical changes - lost a lot of weight, more muscle, and much more toned from yoga, and 4) she has also struggled with depression since being a teen but she says yoga has helped her out tremendously with this as well. She is also medicated although I'm not positive she is still taking her meds.
I'm trying to do all of the right things to try and EARN my marriage back but am finding myself struggling since there are so many challenges and obstacles I am facing with her. I am also often too nice and find myself becoming a doormat at times...too many times. Over the last day or two, I've started to pull back from her a bit more and detach as being loving, caring, and supportive has not been accomplishing much. I think she is taking notice and is actually inquiring about me and how I am doing which she has had absolutely no concern with over the last month or so.
Am I on the right track here by detaching but still showing concern and love for her and showing that I am proud of what she is accomplishing with her career objectives? Everything I tell her is genuine but she may interpret differently. What else do you recommend for someone facing so many different challenges and changes that his wife is undergoing while still maintaining my own sanity? BTW, I have lost 31 pounds (not eating much) but am also working out some, and taking on a lot more responsibility of the children. I'm willing to pick up the slack but also don't want to be trampled on any longer. Please help.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Cadet. I have read many of those threads with great enthusiasm and they are immensely helpful. As much as I don't want to be here (obviously), I am excited to find a good group of supportive folks that have been through the same.
What else do you recommend for someone facing so many different challenges and changes that his wife is undergoing while still maintaining my own sanity?
DerekM,
Maintaining your own sanity while being caught-up in all of the insanity is a bit of a Catch 22. I'm sorry you're here, but you've come to a good place for help.
A lot of the things you'll need to do will seem counter-intuitive. You say you need to earn back your marriage, yet your wife is the one who is cheating; that's what's so insane. There is a lot of work for you to do, but a lot of it involves working on yourself rather than working on the marriage.
Welcome to the DB community. I hope you will post often. Cadet will give you a post that has a lot of information, if you will take the time to read it.
You sound like a very nice man who tries to show his love to his W by giving her support. What you may not see is that the way you take on your share, plus her share, of home & family responsibilities could be enabling her to continue down this road.
Quote:
She then started doing things to give herself time to think...staying out late, going to bars, making every excuse to not be home with the kids and I...yoga in the evening, shopping, etc. On the weekends she will disappear for hours on end without any communication. During this time she started an emotional affair which I highly suspect is now physical, I have proof but she continues to deny. This with an ex-boyfriend from very long ago that she struck up a conversation with because he is divorced and she was looking for advice. She claims to have cut ties with him after I saw her car at his house but at a minimum I think she is still communicating with the other. Her car was there but she claims she only went there to go for a ride on his motorcycle so she could relax. When she is away for hours, she has gotten a bit better about letting me know what she is up to, but there are still many times where she is out of touch and this drives me crazy...hard not to think of what she is doing and who she is with.
So you showed her your proof.........or was her car at OM's house the proof? Doesn't really matter b/c she lied her way out of it and was not faced with consequences for her betrayal. In the meantime, you take care of the house & kids and she continues playing you.
Was the lack of intimacy mostly from her? You tried to accept that she was low-drive? If I'm correct on that part, I will also tell you that it is not b/c she is LD......but that she does not feel the attraction. And she doesn't feel the attraction b/c of lack of respect for you. Her unfulfilled feelings comes from being dissatisfied in her MR. She tries to find other things to fill her emotionally.
If you feel that there have been times you were a doormat........it is probably true. If you think you are often too nice, then I suggest you are.....and probably have the nice guy syndrome. Google it and read the free download.
Your W is not conducting herself as a wife and mother. She waits until you are home to do all those things you listed. That should send a loud message about her priorities. Maybe you need to look at this as something your W has chosen, due to her resentment and disrespect that has grown over the years, and now she is acting out like a rebellious teenager.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The first thing you need to ask yourself is this and I believe you already know the answer due to having stated it: You know your wife is involved with someone else, so can you trust her? Can you 100% fully trust her? If she goes shopping and gets "held up," or is "running late" or whatever - will even a smidgeon of a doubt enter your mind? And, if it does - then that is no way to live.
Take this time to work on yourself. Maybe ask yourself is the reason you are trying to hang on so hard is for purely selfish reasons and not the bigger picture. An affair is the ultimate disrespect a spouse can do.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yes I've been trying to work on myself and this I understand completely. It isn't easy though as right now it is tough to be motivated to do much of anything. I ensure the children are cared for but that makes it tough to find time for myself.
When we do have relationship conversations, which is rare, she keeps telling me that I am making a mountain out of a molehill and that things aren't as bad as I make them to be. I try to paint the picture I see from my end and tell her to put herself in my shoes but that obviously isn't much of a concern to her right now.
I understand what you are saying. It is a catch 22 as I am trying to support her new found passion and upcoming career in Yoga by watching the kids while she goes to class in the evening. However, I don't always trust she goes there or sometimes she will go shopping after the fact...of course she doesn't spring that on me until after she is already out of the house. I get accused of not supporting her if I don't allow freedom to go to class, but what limitations do you suggest?
Originally Posted By: sandi2
You sound like a very nice man who tries to show his love to his W by giving her support. What you may not see is that the way you take on your share, plus her share, of home & family responsibilities could be enabling her to continue down this road.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So you showed her your proof.........or was her car at OM's house the proof? Doesn't really matter b/c she lied her way out of it and was not faced with consequences for her betrayal. In the meantime, you take care of the house & kids and she continues playing you.
Was the lack of intimacy mostly from her? You tried to accept that she was low-drive? If I'm correct on that part, I will also tell you that it is not b/c she is LD......but that she does not feel the attraction. And she doesn't feel the attraction b/c of lack of respect for you. Her unfulfilled feelings comes from being dissatisfied in her MR. She tries to find other things to fill her emotionally.
If you feel that there have been times you were a doormat........it is probably true. If you think you are often too nice, then I suggest you are.....and probably have the nice guy syndrome. Google it and read the free download.
Your W is not conducting herself as a wife and mother. She waits until you are home to do all those things you listed. That should send a loud message about her priorities. Maybe you need to look at this as something your W has chosen, due to her resentment and disrespect that has grown over the years, and now she is acting out like a rebellious teenager.
The day of her being at the OM's house, she came home and apologized over and over and swore that she ended everything that day with him. All ties severed. Also claiming they were never intimate and this was the first time she had actually seen him...which I believe was a lie. It was just a convenient excuse since this was the only time I actually drove to his house.
Yes the proof, and I'm a bit ashamed to share was that after the day her car was at the OM's house she came home, changed and put a pad on, claiming she was spotting (sorry for the graphic) after her period (which I know she just had). I ended up taking the pad a day later and used a semen test kit on it. It was positive. I showed the evidence but she of course denied, denied, denied.
Can I go back now, 1 1/2 weeks after the fact and make any demands? Here is where I struggle. What is reasonable without being controlling? I still think she is texting him but I have no proof of this.
Lack of intimacy was mainly on her part but I'm not the best at proposing love making. I am always the one that initiates hugs, kissing, and sex. This is her viewpoint. Frankly she is quite addicted to facebook, pinterest, and other social sites so intimacy of any kind is difficult at best. My advances usually end in disappointment so over time I try less and less.
Honestly, we have both been dissatisfied in our marriage. There are sparks now and again but they tend to fizzle out quickly. I do want a renewed marriage and I am committed. Her I'm not sure. We have done counseling in the past but she never really applied what we learned. I applied some but it takes two if that makes sense.
Yes I can see where she doesn't respect me. How do I get that back? I think much is my lack of listening, disregarding some of what she says, and not taking action immediately when presented with a topic from her.
Yes it is blatantly obvious to me that she picks her times to get away when I am home. She definitely doesn't want to be around when I am there. I try to be the one that leaves or that has something to do at night, but she always makes her escape leaving the kids and I behind.
So what do you suggest? Do I let her know that I will have guidelines that 1 or 2 nights a week I will take care of boys while she goes to yoga but that she has to be more open with her communication, or too controlling? Any other yoga must be during week while boys are in school...which is really just Mon, Wed, Fri since one is in Pre-K.
When she got caught being at OM's house, she did promise to be more transparent with where she is going. She has done that somewhat but is still mysterious at times and again I'm not trying to be overbearing. Much of what I have read is give her the space, don't inquire about where, when, who but considering she told me she would be transparent do I need to hold her more strictly to that?
