Just picked up DB book yesterday so not far in but I have been lurking and reading a lot here over the past few days.
My wife appears to be going through many challenges. It cannot be pinpointed to just 1 area of concern. I believe she is struggling through a MLC where she believes that she has not had a purpose in life and feels unfulfilled. She has not worked since being pregnant with our first child in 2007 (we have 2 now - 9 and 5) and had chosen to be a stay at home mom which I have supported. I have also been supportive of her taking jobs which she never ended up pursuing. She just turned 39 and has decided now to get her Yoga certification and start teaching. I'm very proud of her and have voiced this many times. However we have had some challenges in our marriage, most related to lack of communication and lack of intimacy. Again she also feels like she has lacked a purpose in life, has never been on her own, has very few friends other than me, her mom, and her best friend who is 1000+ miles away. I try to re-assure her of what a good mom she is and how important that job is but she shrugs it off.
She has been taking yoga classes for 6-12 months and has a newfound passion it that. A month or so ago she became very distant after signing up for yoga certification program which starts in a week or so, which will allow her to teach. She then started doing things to give herself time to think...staying out late, going to bars, making every excuse to not be home with the kids and I...yoga in the evening, shopping, etc. On the weekends she will disappear for hours on end without any communication. During this time she started an emotional affair which I highly suspect is now physical, I have proof but she continues to deny. This with an ex-boyfriend from very long ago that she struck up a conversation with because he is divorced and she was looking for advice. She claims to have cut ties with him after I saw her car at his house but at a minimum I think she is still communicating with the other. Her car was there but she claims she only went there to go for a ride on his motorcycle so she could relax. When she is away for hours, she has gotten a bit better about letting me know what she is up to, but there are still many times where she is out of touch and this drives me crazy...hard not to think of what she is doing and who she is with.
When I have attempts at communicating with her about us, she just gives me the usual cliche excuses, "It's not you it's me", "You are a great husband and father", "You are a great provider", "I feel lonely", "I don't know what I want anymore" "I don't know who you are anymore", "I feel like a child because I've never been on my own" , "You are my best friend and I never want to lose that" etc. She voices that the children are her #1 priority but she still leaves nearly all of the parenting and household duties to me in the evenings and on the weekends. She literally tunes out and gets on her phone to play games, surf Internet, or she sleeps while at home. I often also take over all responsibilities when she goes to the evening yoga classes or goes shopping.
She DOES have some real positives going on in her life: pursuing a career, a job as soon as she completes her certification in 9 weeks or so, passion for yoga, weight loss and fitness, a truly caring and loving husband (self promotion), 2 wonderful kids, etc. Why she doesn't see all these blessings is beyond me.
But now I find myself faced with multiple challenges as to why she is so cold toward me - 1) an affair is taking place (I don't trust it's over even though she claims it is), 2) she's discontent and feeling unfulfilled (even though she is pursuing her yoga passion), 3) physical changes - lost a lot of weight, more muscle, and much more toned from yoga, and 4) she has also struggled with depression since being a teen but she says yoga has helped her out tremendously with this as well. She is also medicated although I'm not positive she is still taking her meds.
I'm trying to do all of the right things to try and EARN my marriage back but am finding myself struggling since there are so many challenges and obstacles I am facing with her. I am also often too nice and find myself becoming a doormat at times...too many times. Over the last day or two, I've started to pull back from her a bit more and detach as being loving, caring, and supportive has not been accomplishing much. I think she is taking notice and is actually inquiring about me and how I am doing which she has had absolutely no concern with over the last month or so.
Am I on the right track here by detaching but still showing concern and love for her and showing that I am proud of what she is accomplishing with her career objectives? Everything I tell her is genuine but she may interpret differently. What else do you recommend for someone facing so many different challenges and changes that his wife is undergoing while still maintaining my own sanity? BTW, I have lost 31 pounds (not eating much) but am also working out some, and taking on a lot more responsibility of the children. I'm willing to pick up the slack but also don't want to be trampled on any longer. Please help.
