Thank you for the kind words peacetoday and SBJ.....
I have known this for a very long time, but for some reason it has been in my mind more recently. Life is too short to cry about something that has happened in my life and my M....something that I had no control over. Do I sit around and wait for a man who may not want to ever be in my life again? Or do I live my life and do what makes me happy, and if he decides he wants to come along and be in my life then that is an added bonus. I can not continue to wait and see what he is going to do, or what decisions he is going to make. His choices can no longer affect me so profoundly. I know that he is very depressed and continues to struggle with his life, and is still making decisions based on fear.
There were times in these past 16 months that I thought I was literally going to die. I thought the hurt and devastation that I was feeling would kill me. Sometimes I had no idea how I got out of bed and went to work, or functioned normally.
As some of you may have read on some of my posts, I work in the medical field. I deal with death and dying on a regular basis. Very often I have very difficult conversations with people regarding life and death. I have had to be the one to tell family members that their loved one did not survive. I have also had to be the bearer of news regarding a terminal diagnosis. I have had many conversations with people regarding end of life, and the decision to turn machines off to let people die peacefully.
The reason I am saying all of this is that I have decided that I am going to life my life for me. Not for my H, or for anyone else.....just me. If H decides to smarten up and pull his head out of his A$$ and come along on this journey with me then great.....if not, then that is his lose.
