You guys aren't going to believe this pt 2

[Thornton]

Trumpet, thanks.

It's only been a week since bomb and I fluctuate between shock and denial to complete and total despair.

I made the mistake of making WAW my entire life so to not have her around is incredibly difficult for me. I miss my best friend.

[Thornton]

Journaling.

This morning I feel empty. I pulled up to work and sat in my car and wondering what the purpose of my life was.

The pain is real. My stomach is in knots and my chest is tight. I even threw up in the shower this morning from anxiety.

I feel like I'm coming off heroin, and constantly feel sick.

All I want to do is hide underneath a blanket and sleep so that I don't have to feel anything.

My mind is still in shock that I'm back here after all the fun things WAW and I did in our relationship over the past 10 months since reconciling. We were like teenagers again.

And now, she wants to leave again 21 days before we closed on our new house. I called the Realtor over the weekend and let her know we would not be buying the house. I lost 3k in earnest money.

I know everyone says GAL. Its not that easy for me. I'm naturally an introvert (probably why I am codependant on WAW). Sure I can go do things by myself, but all I would be doing is thinking the same thoughts as when I'm laying on the couch.

And to top it off, because WAW and I were out doing so many things in the last 10 months, EVERYTHING is a reminder for me. And it triggers my depression and anxiety.

[Mach1]

We'll just had a big R talk with WAW. We were both crying our eyes out. She said she is leaving for real this time and moving 1,000 miles away.

She talked about feeling like our arguments were bigger than they were supposed to be and that our last fight broke something in her. Keep in mind we've had 2-3 arguments in the last 10 months.

Blah..

Blah..

Blah..


She was leaving the last time...

She was leaving the time before that...

Blah....Blah...Blah...


You have to stop living or dying by her words buddy.


Whether she is telling the truth or not shouldn't matter for now...

Stop holding her accountable, for your emotions and reactions...

[Thornton]

You know what, Mach? You're right. Ive heard it all before and each time she has said this time is for real.

I have got to get back in the game and man the eff up.

I'll be honest, I'm scared right now. Scared of what the future will look like. Scared how I will cope with life's curveballs when my #1 confidant no longer gives a damn. I'm terrified of being lonely and being alone with my thoughts because my thoughts cause me a lot of pain.

Changing my thought patterns has always been very challenging for me. I'm diagnosed OCD. I don't have the compulsion part as bad, but obsessing? I can obsess with the best of them.

I'm doing what I can for me right now. Taking anti-depressants. Going to the gym. Seeing my old therapist again. Trying to eat when I can. And going to bed early every night.

My biggest hurdle is shame. I feel so ashamed by everything going on. And when I listen to WAW spew the reasons she has to leave again, I really take it to heart. And it destroys me.

I know she has issues as I do. But I have never, ever, ever, left her. No matter how bad it got, I was always there. Probably my codependance that kept me in it when she would leave and come back only to leave again.

Alot of my friends think I'm crazy for even being upset by this breakup. They all say she's a "runner" and any time life gets to real or anytime things are going really well, she loses her mind and starts planting seeds for an exit strategy.

None-the-less, I blame myself. I shouldn't have yelled at her and sworn at her. It's almost like I have PTSD from the last time she left and I was probably testing her to see how she would react. She's not completely innocent, though. She has sworn at me too when things got stressful. But this was not a pattern, these were one off arguments in the last 2 months of us searching for our home. Prior to that, we haven't raised our voices in over 10 months.

Thanks for always keeping an eye on me, Mach. I really do value your input.

[Mach1]

I'll be honest, I'm scared right now. Scared of what the future will look like. Scared how I will cope with life's curveballs when my #1 confidant no longer gives a damn. I'm terrified of being lonely and being alone with my thoughts because my thoughts cause me a lot of pain.

Well hell, here I thought that I was your #1 confidant...

Look, the future is going to happen, whether you are scared of it or not.

You can sit there, in fear, and things will happen that you will feel "unfair"...

OR

You can take charge of your future, and choose to act, rather than REact to it...

You really do have a choice...

Changing my thought patterns has always been very challenging for me. I'm diagnosed OCD. I don't have the compulsion part as bad, but obsessing? I can obsess with the best of them.

I'm doing what I can for me right now. Taking anti-depressants. Going to the gym. Seeing my old therapist again. Trying to eat when I can. And going to bed early every night.

So turn that schidt around...

Get OCD about yourself and what you want YOUR future to look like..

My biggest hurdle is shame. I feel so ashamed by everything going on. And when I listen to WAW spew the reasons she has to leave again, I really take it to heart. And it destroys me.

F that....

Things happen, thing are always gonna happen...

So shameful of what ??

Dude, she has already left you...twice ??

Maybe, just maybe, some of this isn't your fault...

Maybe she needs you to be the fall guy for her dysfunction ??

Makes it easier to face her friends when you are such an asshat...

I know she has issues as I do. But I have never, ever, ever, left her. No matter how bad it got, I was always there. Probably my codependance that kept me in it when she would leave and come back only to leave again.

So work on your issues, F her issues and leave her to it...

IF what she is saying is absolutely true, and you don't like it ??

Then you work on changing that....

If it isn't true ??

Then don't spend any time worrying about it...

As long as you know YOUR truth, that is all that should matter..

F anyone that thinks otherwise. Until they walk in your shoes, then they don't get a say into your life...

Alot of my friends think I'm crazy for even being upset by this breakup. They all say she's a "runner" and any time life gets to real or anytime things are going really well, she loses her mind and starts planting seeds for an exit strategy.

Friends just want you to feel better...

You get to choose what you do...

None-the-less, I blame myself. I shouldn't have yelled at her and sworn at her. It's almost like I have PTSD from the last time she left and I was probably testing her to see how she would react. She's not completely innocent, though. She has sworn at me too when things got stressful. But this was not a pattern, these were one off arguments in the last 2 months of us searching for our home. Prior to that, we haven't raised our voices in over 10 months.

Thanks for always keeping an eye on me, Mach. I really do value your input.

You are only responsible for 100% of your 50% of this...

She, she , she....

Blah, blah, blah...

You Thor....

More you, less her.

Do you really think, that in a healthy relationship, that one or two arguments, are make or break situations ???

Be honest here...

An entire relationship hinges on one or two arguments....

?????



Yea, I didn't think so either....

[Thornton]

Im gonna print your response out and keep it in my wallet.

Thanks again, Mach. I know I'm a pain your a$$. Thanks for sticking with me.

[Sotto]

Yes I agree with Mach, so we had an argument and you raised your voice...so now I'm off to Arkansas or wherever?? None of us were ideal partners and being with someone day in day out does have inevitable ups and downs. I think it is best to take what is useful from what she said and let the rest go. Ask yourself - is what happened how I want to be? Would I want to be like this in my next R? Does this fit with my own values etc.

Just to give you an example, I asked XH sometime after BD - if I could do something to save our marriage, what would that be? Dress more provocatively he said. I thought about that and I like to look attractive. I'm interested in make up and like to buy clothes etc. But provocative isn't really me and never was, so I let that one go...

Thinking about growth some more, there are some areas you've mentioned that could merit some focus:

Managing your own thoughts and the obsessive ruminating
Codependency - your investment in that R 24/7
Social skills - you mention being more introverted, but I don't think any of us should or need to rely on our partner to meet all our social needs

Also, I was so sorry to read about your sister. I lost my brother 25 years ago, and it was such a difficult time. I was in my 20s and just starting my first job after uni. Wanting to make a good impression, I just buried the grief and of course it came bubbling up years later. Do you feel you have fully healed from her loss?

I'm not pointing out these things to suggest you are in any way defective. I think we all come to this site with areas we'd like to improve and I'm just picking up on things you have posted...

For me, I have found that focusing on what I can control (me) has really helped in the much longer term...

Hope something in here is useful for you anyway, and I hope today is a little better too

[Thornton]

Hi Sotto,

No this is definately not where I want to be. But I was willing to work on things to make them better.

All of your suggestions are great and I will be talking about those things with T tomorrow night.

I dont know if I ever got over my sister's death. Like I said, I was put in a psych ward for 3 months. My mom was medicated for a year on tranquilizers, my dad started working 80 hours a week to cope. Perhaps this is where my codependancy took root? I felt abandoned not only by my sister (she died instantly in an auto accident at 16 years old), but my parents as well.

Ive been in and out of therapy for years as I developed depression, anxiety, and OCD. I do take medication for these issues as well.

I absolutely do think this has played a role not only in the type of women I choose to date but also my issues with abandonment.

Codependancy is pretty common in my family. My brother (believe it or not) is worse than I am. He literally cannot be out of a relationship. If one relationship ends, he will find another serious relationship within a week.

Thanks for checking in, Sotto.

[RDS]

Thanks, Zeus.


It feels like I'm never going to have that again with someone else.

Yep, I feel the exact same way. I used to think it would be exiting learning and discovering someone new (this was during my dark days of my M). Now the thought of that saddens me.

[Thornton]

Went to the gym after work and actually felt pretty good. I cranked some angry music and lifted some weights and did some cardio.

Feels pretty good to not feel the pain for a little while.