Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly two months since I’ve posted in my own thread. I visit this site nearly every day and I occasionally post but I feel as if I cannot add any helpful advice. My sitch is different than most here and in a lot of ways it’s the same, sadly. I do lean from others on this site. It is why I visit frequently. This post, like most I’ve done is just a bit of journaling.

I just passed my 11 month BD date. In less than a month we can divorce. I don’t plan on filing and I don’t know if/when my W is. We don’t talk about it. I’m too scared to bring it up. I really don’t think we will ever get back together but I still hold out hope so I’m not the one who is going to file. Maybe it’s a small moral victory but I want to look myself in the eye and tell myself I was not the one who put the nail in the M. Later this month we are scheduled to have the final spousal support mediation. I told my L I agree to continue paying the amount I was ordered to last August. I don’t know if my W will accept this and avoid the cost of mediation or try to go after more. This is the same amount that I thought was very unfair to me (as most people do). I still think it’s unfair but I’ve budgeted my money well and I did get a better paying job so I will be okay. One of the things about being married for so long in this state is how antiquated the laws for spousal support is. I will have to pay her money for the rest of my life and when I retire I will have to go to court to get the payments reduced. Since I’ve lost half of everything and I’m in my mid-50’s I won’t have as much time to build up my nest egg as I had before. I try not to dwell on it because when I do I get angry about it all.

The last 11 months have been a gradual awakening for me. If three years ago I was the man I am now my M would still be as strong as it ever was. My W loved me dearly and I blew it with my resentment towards her. I’m a much more mellow person and I can see the W I married. It’s probably too late but I feel good about where I’ve come. I am sure if I do get divorced I will be able to move forward; especially since I will be moving 600 miles away. It will still hurt when I think of a marriage that was once so strong and certain to last our lifetime. I loved telling people I was married and I loved telling people how great a W she was. Even in the darkest hours I still told people how great she was.

As I mentioned earlier, I took another job and I could work from my apartment when I wasn’t traveling, but my company preferred me being local. So, this past week I traveled to FL and found an apartment. I move the first week of June. I finally told my W of the move yesterday. Her reaction was nonchalant. I expected that. I think she is more worried about her income more than me being local. I know I’m not supposed to be a mind reader but her reaction was so bland and to me, uncaring. I guess it was the preferred response because if she got all upset then I might have doubted my decision. I had all responses and answers covered for what ever reaction I got.

We still talk but not nearly as much as we used to. Each month since December we’ve talked less than the month before. I haven’t seen her since 1 Jan when she made me a New Year’s Day good luck dinner. She still comes by my apartment complex and checks my mail every couple of days when I’m traveling and she still puts food treats in my truck for a nice surprise when I get back. I even joked if she would mind doing the 1,200-mile round trip to check my mail when I was traveling. She got a kick out of that and she had a good laugh. She has even surprised me by bringing me some of my favorite food dishes early in the morning. I have a truck with a combination lock on it so she will put the food in the truck and call me later in the day to for me to check in the truck. I’m always touched and thankful for her thoughtfulness. I’ve asked her before why she does it and she always just says she is trying to be nice. It’s not something she just started doing. She has done stuff like this even when we were dating. It was one of the things that endeared me to her. I know I’m in the friend zone. It’s not the best but it is better than being in a zone where we are angry and hateful towards each other.