WW with affair moved out 4+ weeks ago

[15Stang]

Hi all,
Wanted to post an update and do a bit of journaling.

Not much new to report. I've been doing the best I can to focus on me and making choices. My emotions are still fighting me but every day does seem a bit easier.

I went to a divorce care meeting last tuesday. Mainly I wanted to get out and meet some new people in a safe environment. While I'm not divorced yet it does seem like it is only a matter of time. The group was about 6 people of which I was the only male. There was a very nice woman whose husband walked out of their marriage in a similar fashion to my situation. My guess is we are similar in age. I'm not planning on dating her (way to soon) or anything but it was nice to see another woman take an interest in me. It was also nice to allow my mind to think about the 'what ifs'. This helps me to detach a little more thinking of a possible future with someone.
I don't mean to sound arrogant but I feel like I have been a pretty good husband throughout our marriage. Yes I have not been perfect and I will continue to not be perfect. But I will also continue to work on myself to be the best that I can be. I can honestly say I did this throughout our marriage. I did it a lot more over the past 3 years after the affair. Part of what frustrates me with my current situation is if my wife was so unhappy with me I don't understand why she didn't address me about it. Maybe I'm a complete blockhead and this is something I still need to learn. I had been asking her to go back to counseling with me as I felt we weren't connecting. I was trying to connect with her but it wasn't working. From my humble opinion I can't understand why it is easier to leave a marriage and have an affair. It is such a short sighted painful way to deal with life. She has (had) people that would have helped her through any difficulty she had and they would have supported her if I wasn't understanding what she needed from the marriage. But instead of asking for help she bailed. I understand I can't do anything about her choice..... it is just not the choice I would have made.

Anyway.... more about me. One thing I struggle with (looking back at our marriage) is was I a controlling person? Here are some issues I' know I'm 100% responsible for.
1. I can be a dominant person in communication. I'm only a few inches taller than my wife and about 50 pounds heavier. I wouldn't say I'm able to intimate her physically. However I do communicate easily and on the fly. This would create some conversations where she felt like her opinion didn't matter or that she couldn't have a voice. I feel terrible about this as I never meant to make her feel that way. I actually wanted her to speak up more and talk but I didn't understand I was making it so difficult for her.
2. We argued about $$ a lot. Especially early on in our marriage. We both liked to spend money. While I can't speak for her I spent $$ to make myself feel better. I believe this was her reasoning as well. When we married we were in about $25,000 of credit card debt. We payed it all off. However this was a fight as I was the one that took steps to pay it off while she fought me about not being able to buy whatever she wanted. We had to change our habits to pay off debt instead of satisfy our desires. $15,000 was my debt and $10,000 was hers when we married. Throughout our marriage we would argue about money usually because we didn't like to be told we couldn't buy something. The problem is we didn't learn that credit is bad and to live within your means until later in marriage. After some of her reasoning for leaving I'm not sure if she did learn to live within her means. I've been made to feel like I'm some financial tyrant. When our divorce is final she will get quite a bit of money from me and our marriage. Her AP- Well he is so far in debt he plans to file bankruptcy.
3. Would I be controlling because I would voice my needs in the marriage? Example- I had been asking her to show me through her actions that she was taking responsibility for her own healing after the affair. It could be reading a book, counseling, group meeting, etc. It didn't matter what it was. What mattered is that she was doing something on her own without me leading. The first 6-12 months of counseling were because I was leading reconciliation. (looking back this should have been a huge red flag/2x4 to my noggin) My reasoning is this was a way for her to communicate through her actions that she wanted to be a safe place for me. Usually she'd start something for a few weeks and then it would stop. This was frustrating for me. If I confronted her and asked why she stopped I would be viewed as controlling. Is this controlling behavior?

So this is my focus. To understand if I was a controlling spouse or if I was reacting to a poor environment. I do feel I became more controlling after the affair as I wanted a lot of transparency. This was a struggle for my W and it continued to hurt our M. (Personally if I had an affair and I was truly sorry I would do ANYTHING to help my spouse feel better and heal. I would do the best I could to create a great environment for healing and not blame her for her needs.) I also want to work on being controlling from a money standpoint. Should I have flexibility even though we agreed on how the money would be spent? I would be told often I was controlling when I wouldn't let her spend money on something. My heart wasn't trying to be controlling but if there wasn't money in the family budget and we agreed on no credit cards I'm not sure what I should do. If it was her own monthly budget money I did not have a say in what she spent it on. That was the deal.

I want to be careful that I do not take on too much responsibility for her actions. I tend to do this and it doesn't do me any good.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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