You're right, I had expectations. I was trying hard not to, but I did, and I paid for it. I normally have REALLY good impulse control, but right now I don't, so I'm talking when I shouldn't be, I'm saying yes to things I should say no to (I managed to say no last week, but instead of making this about D she implied it was about us, and I caved).
Why am I still watching that level of activity? I don't know, it's just there. When this started, I AVOIDED xbox, my friends from it (who were "our friends" at some point) because I largely blamed it as at least the catalyst for where we were, and I had better things to do. Oddly enough, I see it as part of GAL now (the social aspect of it at least), but it's hard to ignore her.
Why am I talking about it? Frustration. I still have this tiny, tiny hope that things will change. I can't step on it, it goes quiet for a while, but it sticks its head out. I know that nothing will ever change while OM is around. I feel like she should be called out on her [censored], that's she's being so disrespectful I have to tell her.. I realize it's useless and counterproductive, but stepping on feelings right now is so damn hard.
Right now, do you know who I am? I'm that person who has a problem that needs medication to fix. I've had numerous opinions on the subject, and everyone agrees I need to take my pills. But I'm refusing to do so "because I don't like the way they make me feel." I can't (won't) follow this good advice I'm getting, because I don't like how it makes me feel.
I'm holding things together for D right now, but I'm really freaking tired. My anxiety is through the roof. The guy that works for me is telling me today that I've looked like I'm on the edge of a panic attack for most of the afternoon.
I'm not in love with her anymore. I Don't even LIKE the person she is right now. Instead of making this easier, it's making it harder. I can't even explain why. I told my counselor Friday that at some point she's going to tell me I'm codependent. I've built a mental and emotional support structure that has W and D as the basis. I can't fall back on either one of them (W because she's not there as she's the problem. D because I'd have to be a monster to try to lean on a six year old for emotional support. The possible damage there is incalculable).
I'm whining at this point, and I'm sorry for that. I'll shut up for a bit.
