Separated In Process of Divorce (Anniversary)

[LITB]

Piecing comes with a different set of challenges. The foundation to a solid M/R begins with him, because he is here. That needs to happen now.

If they both continue with the same behavioral patterns, they will cycle back to things falling apart. That's the reason that I asked what is different now, than when he arrived here.

[Dawgs]

For his marriage? No. That one's toast. For whoever may cross his path in the future? Sure. He needs to become the best he can for one but himself, period. And certainly not her. She was involved with another man and ALL that went along with that. If he were to ever take her back, then he needs to take stock of his own self and see if the price of the soul/dignity/etc is worth it.

All for him and nothing else.

[LITB]

For his marriage? No. That one's toast. For whoever may cross his path in the future? Sure. He needs to become the best he can for one but himself, period. And certainly not her. She was involved with another man and ALL that went along with that. If he were to ever take her back, then he needs to take stock of his own self and see if the price of the soul/dignity/etc is worth it.

All for him and nothing else.

Yes, he needs to work on himself and address his issues, independent of anyone else. Again, that's why I asked him how he is different. Issues are portable if they don't get addressed and will be taken into a new relationship with whoever that person might be.

[sellout]

So an unbelievable turn of events...she came to me last night completely broken down and wants to work on the marriage 110%. She broke it off with OM as well and promised she has no intentions of talking to him again. Questions:

1. How do we rebuild trust?
2. Timeline on me moving back to the house?
3. How much time do we spend together now, going forward?
4. Other ideas/recommendations to make this last?
5. Do's/Don'ts?

[Thornton]

Sellout - I've been in this situation twice and I have some recommendations.

1. If you let her back in too easily, she will leave again.

2. She needs to mourn the loss of her relationship with OM and not use you as a band-aid. Hell, maybe he dumped her.

3. You want to make sure you aren't too responsive (just like the DR book says). Don't rush to answer her texts and calls.

4. Watch her actions and not her words. She can blow a ton of smoke up your a$$ because she knows you want the M to work.

5. Continue doing what you have been doing. Keep up with GAL and your friends and family.

Ive got my fingers crossed for you.

[sellout]

Thornton - thanks for advice. She as not dumped, it was her idea because she wanted me and her family. Ballpark timeline to move back in? Other ideas from people?

[Thornton]

My best advice is allow her to work to earn your trust again.

I think I let my WAW back into my life too easily. I felt like I had won the lottery. As a result, I don't think she respected me as much as she should have.

What are your boundaries?

What are your deal breakers?

What changes do you expect from you and your W?

If you don't identify these things ^^^, you are setting yourself up for another bomb.

I wouldnt worry about when to move back in at this stage. Do it too soon, and I feel very confident you will be moving back out pretty quickly.

Just take things very slow. See if you can find a Solution Based Therapist and have your wife join you. You need to get to the root of why this all happened before you can jump back in with her.

Just my 2 cents...

[Mach1]

So an unbelievable turn of events...she came to me last night completely broken down and wants to work on the marriage 110%. She broke it off with OM as well and promised she has no intentions of talking to him again. Questions:

1. How do we rebuild trust?
2. Timeline on me moving back to the house?
3. How much time do we spend together now, going forward?
4. Other ideas/recommendations to make this last?
5. Do's/Don'ts?

1- Trust, but verify.

NO locks on phones, password information, no hidden money or accounts anywhere.

Check them at random times, often in the beginning...

OM IS going to contact her, and to an extent, that is going to have to be fine for a short time.

HOWEVER....When contact is made...

She tells you/shows you...

He is the one initiating contact, not her

This will fade over time, just let it be known that trust has been broken, and rebuilding it requires complete transparency by BOTH of you, if anything is to move forward.



2-This should be treated as a new relationship. Falling back onto old routines will end up in old results.

New you, new her...

Treat it as such



3-Don't try to define anything, just be happy, enjoy the good times and interactions, and work through issues as they arise. The rest should be natural..





4-Do you forgive her ??

Have you forgiven her ??

If yes, then this should NEVER be brought up in an argument...or any other time from this day forward..

If NO ??

Then YOU have some work to do also...




5-Go slow...

It didn't break overnight, it won't fix overnight

Watch your expectations...

Unspoken ones are just future failures waiting to happen...

Talk.....a lot. Then talk some more...

[Matrix]

Wow! You are on to something here. Keep up the mystery and watch what happens to her. It amazes me that they can have a full-blown OM and the mere sight of some selfie on your phone sends her through the roof. Human beings are really all designed the same way. We want what we think we can't have.

I posted the statement above to you a few days ago. It is amazing how some of them turn around so quickly when they think they could actually lose you to someone else or that you somehow have more "value" to them now. I know it is not the DB way to use a little bit of jealously to shake our WAS's up, but I am seeing it work time and time again.

If you do start to piece this together, you need to be prepared for her to start grilling you about this other woman that she saw on your phone. Just be calm about it and tell her everything she wants to know. But just understand that she will make it a big deal and try to make it seem like you had OW as well. They do this to try and relieve some of their guilt. It is very normal, so just realize this and stay calm with her and try not to "tit for tat" with her.

Good luck!

[sellout]

Thank you all for everything. There are some very wise people on here and it has been very helpful. I will try and keep the updates rolling in and hopefully start my NEW HAPPY MARRIAGE!! Good luck to everyone else.