You know what, Mach? You're right. Ive heard it all before and each time she has said this time is for real.
I have got to get back in the game and man the eff up.
I'll be honest, I'm scared right now. Scared of what the future will look like. Scared how I will cope with life's curveballs when my #1 confidant no longer gives a damn. I'm terrified of being lonely and being alone with my thoughts because my thoughts cause me a lot of pain.
Changing my thought patterns has always been very challenging for me. I'm diagnosed OCD. I don't have the compulsion part as bad, but obsessing? I can obsess with the best of them.
I'm doing what I can for me right now. Taking anti-depressants. Going to the gym. Seeing my old therapist again. Trying to eat when I can. And going to bed early every night.
My biggest hurdle is shame. I feel so ashamed by everything going on. And when I listen to WAW spew the reasons she has to leave again, I really take it to heart. And it destroys me.
I know she has issues as I do. But I have never, ever, ever, left her. No matter how bad it got, I was always there. Probably my codependance that kept me in it when she would leave and come back only to leave again.
Alot of my friends think I'm crazy for even being upset by this breakup. They all say she's a "runner" and any time life gets to real or anytime things are going really well, she loses her mind and starts planting seeds for an exit strategy.
None-the-less, I blame myself. I shouldn't have yelled at her and sworn at her. It's almost like I have PTSD from the last time she left and I was probably testing her to see how she would react. She's not completely innocent, though. She has sworn at me too when things got stressful. But this was not a pattern, these were one off arguments in the last 2 months of us searching for our home. Prior to that, we haven't raised our voices in over 10 months.
Thanks for always keeping an eye on me, Mach. I really do value your input.
