Skyhigh......as always thank you for showing me support, and of course encouragement. You (and many others) have been a great constant for me during this time.
Yes, we have had quite a bit of conversation in a short period of time. I honestly can say that I was emotionally and mentally exhausted for a few days. I have not spoken to H for 4 days, and I do not plan on reaching out to him either.
There have been so many on this board that made me realize what I needed to do in order to move forward, and to figure out what I want. It was not an easy thing for me to do, and I did it kicking and screaming that is for sure. But one thing is certain I could not have gotten to this point if it wasn't for all of you. It was hard to hear the 2x4s, but they were definitely what I needed to hear
For so long all I could think about was what my H wanted. Well...I think I can say that those days are slowly disappearing. I am learning that my life will be okay with or without him, and that I can move forward and do things regardless of what H wants. Do I want H to be in my life and for us to try and figure out if we can work on our M ..... of course I do. But, I also know that regardless of what I do he also has to want to do it.
H is slowly learning that his choice to have the A was selfish, and was the most hurtful thing he could have ever done to me. He is also learning on how and why that it had to happen. He also is realizing that how he has treated me since BD has been horrible. I am very grateful that he is getting to a place where he feels like he can open up to me and share his feelings. But also that he is comfortable with all these emotions he has been experiencing.
I am not sure what stage of the MLC he is in right now, and I am certainly not going to try and keep up with all of that. I will continue to be here for him if he needs me, and of course validate him when he speaks...which will of course be all about him
I do still think about him, but he doesn't consume all of my thoughts like he used to. Do I still love him....of course I do. But what I have come to realize is right now he is not the man I married, and I am not sure he will ever be that man again. Am I the same girl he married.....not anymore. This has taught me a lot about myself and what I need to work on.
I borrowed a quote from someone on here the last time I spoke to H and it was
"I didn't break you, so I can't fix you"
I am definitely working on fixing myself, and hopefully he continues the process of working on himself. I think that if anything comes out of this, it is that we will definitely be better people because of all that we have been through.
