I just got a little teary reading all the feedback I've gotten since last night. Thanks for taking the time to write. It's nice to know that people care.
JujuB: I went back and read some of your threads last night and I see where you're coming from. Even though I am harsh when it comes to this particular XW, I have empathy for her position, and all those who have kids together and are going through separation or divorce. No one wanted to have kids within a marriage that would crumble, especially when D wasn't their choice. It can't be easy to have to continue to interact with your ex and watch them move on. It's hard enough to let go when you don't have to see them regularly.
Some more things that I know: H lost his job in 2008, and that was when XW stated she didn't want to try any longer. They were living as roommates, with a special needs child, and she'd reconnected with her high school boyfriend. H was devastated at the time, but after some counseling came to understand that it wasn't a healthy marriage and she did him a huge favor. He learned in counseling that he'd chosen her to try to work out some things with his controlling and anxious mother.
I do know he wasn't a good H to her. He knows that, too. I don't think she was the only reason things were bad, but I also have never seen her do anything resembling taking responsibility for anything or doing anything but blaming H for every problem in her life, including into the present day. So I don't feel too bad for her, because if she wanted a better H she could have tried to be a better W. Instead, she felt entitled to some sort of fairy tale being handed to her. (And that is linked to their situation; I'm not generalizing that to you.)
Some things that I suspect: I think he married and had kids with her in order to give his parents grandkids first. His younger brother was their favorite, and I think H wanted to beat him to the punch. He managed to find XW, who has all the worst qualities of both of his parents (LOL) and surface qualities that he knew his mother would admire. I have never told him my theory but I'm pretty sure it's correct. I think there was something resembling love, and I'll leave it at that.
It's great that you're logical and detached with your XH. Truly, don't stress about what he says about you. Any woman worth giving a darn about will take what he says with a grain of salt and look at you through her own eyes.
Sotto
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When I see people posting about being affianced and running into difficulties then (unless they have kids together) I tend to think - wow lucky break discovering all this before you committed to marriage. Head for the hills and be thankful!
I can see why people say that to me, but it's incredibly hard to feel that way. We own property together and sorting that out would actually be easier if we were married.
What happened made my father cry, something I've never seen him do before in my entire life. My friends are shocked and shaken up. Everyone loved the two of us together.
We had a really good thing and all signs pointed to being in it for the long haul, until he wasn't. Maybe some day I can arrive at the "thank goodness" stage, but I'm not there. Not at all, especially when I know there was outside influence that sent him spiraling into what looks like depression.
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be cautious about blaming the XW for the current state of affairs. Normally the lives we come to lead reflect how we have conducted ourselves thus far.
I agree with that, but that's also assuming that I didn't see things with my own eyes. H used to come to me for help communicating with her (which he would only do in writing thanks to her abusive tendencies), and so I saw everything that was said. And she is a jerk.
H didn't want to deal with her outside of necessary topics regarding the kids, but she just could not let go. He'd get overwhelmed trying to ignore all the hurtful things she'd write. I'd help him write brief businesslike responses where he ignored her drama and harassment.
I don't claim to know everything that happened before I was around, but the situation to me in the past 5 years was pretty black and white and I was privy to it. I am certain she has some personality disorders (our counselor speculated about it as well), and she would come after him using guilt and shame. And that's what she used to overwhelm him in January and it worked. It helped that the kids also verbally abused him (in the same way they'd observed her verbally abuse him for years) when he was finally trying to get them to do some very simple chores. They're good kids, but they mimicked what they'd seen, and it devastated him.
Sometimes one person is just so unreasonable in the present day that a description of them being unreasonable in the past is not that difficult to swallow. I have also heard from his family that she was awful. His mother told us a story about XW chasing her around with pruning shears, something she'd never told to H until that moment.
Vanilla
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One thing I have observed that the closer the kids get to independence and adulthood the crazier the crazy ex becomes. It's because they see the resources moving away from them. There are many abusive strategies including breaking up their partners new R.
Yes. Yes! In addition to the kids getting older and more independent, he was making commitments to me and that also had her reeling and grasping for control.
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I think therefore that you may find the net proceeds of sale of your home will be divided between you and any calculations will ignore anything other than the deposit. I am not an L though and in a different jurisdiction just having similar issues, but my those are my thoughts.
This is what my lawyer says, too. We're 50/50 on the deed and with no verbal nor written agreement, proceeds are split evenly.
But I'm not worried about that. I'll worry about it when the time comes. Because I'm not surprised at all that I haven't heard a peep from him about selling the house. Now that I'm gone, the pressure is off.
He seemed to want to end the relationship without having me leave. He didn't factor that part in, and now he's recalibrating. It's anyone's guess about what will happen from here.
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You have made some very brave decisions on venturing into the wilderness with your own tiny haven. And you write clearly and well about your pain.
Thank you for that. It's really sweet.
I am second guessing everything, since I'm not sure it was the right decision to leave. I mean, it was right for me, but it maybe wasn't the best move if I want R. There's no easy route back.
If not for the stepparenting stuff, maybe I could have stayed. But it hurt too much to watch what was supposed to be my family from the outside looking in.
At least I got to say some goodbyes to the kids. They were so sweet to me. I let both of them know that I had tried to not let it get to the point where I had to move, but had been unsuccessful. It was important to me that they know that I didn't give up easily. I feel so bad that there's been another relationship failure for them to witness. We were supposed to be modeling something healthy for them.
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Some of it never truly makes sense especially if your bf doesn't want to be with mscrazy. So instead of you two being solid in the sitch it has created guilt or even worse shame and obligation in your bf. If I read you correctly it's about $$$$$ not R.
Yes, to be clear, he didn't leave me for her. She just harassed him to the point that he lost all confidence in himself and his choices.
I'm speculating with this, but I believe he felt unhappy and looked to the one optional relationship in his life as what he needed to be free of to go back to being happy. And so, indirectly, she got him to self-destruct and leave me. They were together for years; she knows exactly how to manipulate him.
It's a beautiful day here and I just want to lay in bed, feel a little bit sorry for myself, and snuggle with my dog. I have to go into the office and get some work done, though.
