I want to start by saying, how great I think you are doing. I always like the term "open to reconciliation but not waiting". Because we have to live our own lives and love ourselves first. I know its hard but you are doing all the right stuff. I am rooting for you regardless of the outcome.
I might be projecting a little bit, but I see how much frustration you seem to have regarding the ex wife in your fiance's life and I think I can offer you a fresh perspective. I know that all of our situations are different. But often times there are a lot of similarities as well.
My husband and I were together for over 15 years. We have 1 son who has some special needs. We were trying to have another. The year he started detaching was the year I was pregnant with another child, was diagnosed with melanoma (every thing ok) and had a really difficult miscarriage. During this time I was hormonal and awful. Actually since the birth of our son we had a lot of marital difficulties and resentments. I was angry that he slept in really late while I was taking care of our child, I was angry with his spending when I wanted to save for a home. He heard my complaints as criticisms and control and unappreciation. I was resentful and took him for granted and he stone walled and disengaged from our family. (i also recently found out there might be an alcohol issue that dates back to his father dying a year after our son died)
Point I am making is that any long term relationship is difficult. Especially with young children and there are all sorts of different stresses in life that only add to the difficulty (i only gave ours as an example). I think these issues are pretty universal. Marriage is hard. We take each other for granted, we see each other at our absolute worst, it becomes mundane. Sex is never as exciting after 10 years. But its also a committment. The sharing of 2 lives through good times and bad. The growing old with someone that you raised children with and grew up with.
My husband detached and left when things became too difficult. I was not the best person or wife. I was under a lot of stress and I could not offer him what I once did when i was young, without a child and without life's stresses. He was pretty selfish as well.
When he left I was really, really, really hurt. He would not give me child support and I was and am living with my parents. I work part time but because my son was young at the time I could not go back to work full time. He left and was going out to fancy restaurants and on vacations. He was really really nasty and cruel. In the beginning, I wanted to reconcile so badly and he was acting like he would up until 8 months post when he left. I waited 5 months to take him to court for child support because i was afraid it would make him not reconcile. He claims that me taking him to court was humiliating and sites it as why he did not reconcile.
He began dating someone about 8-9 months after he left and we were considered separated.
I guarantee you that his girlfriend does not know any of this. My ex comes across as a super nice guy. An intelligent professional with a high level of education. The classic, good ol' American Boy. He comes across as someone that is trust worthy, dependable, and a hard worker. Right now he is really agreeable when it comes to our son. But he had very little to do with him and I was struggling to raise a child with special needs by myself. His girlfriend will never know this. She will never know about how devastated my son was when he left or what its like to hear your 6 year old tell you they want to kill themselves. She will never know about the way he treated me and his son. The detachment and un involvement. She will never know the spew that he placed on me. He tells people that he did not leave. That I pushed him out. She will never know Until he does it to her.
He can have fun and an escape with a younger woman that has less responsibilities. And he can relive our youth of dating and going out and starting anew with someone. But he has abandoned his committment and child to do so. I have given up my youth and full income earning ability to raise our child (i have a doctorate and a decent profession). When I see how he has spent money on lingerie for a new girlfriend or taken her out to expensive restaurants I am really mad and have to hold back from screaming at him (which would come across as abusive and controlling), because I would be in a shelter if it was not for my parents support. But his girlfriend would never know this. Instead she will either see me as you do, or perhaps as just an acceptable mutual divorce. She does not know that he unilaterally left his wife and young child.
Now as an ex wife, I am FURIOUS at him. It is not a matter of insecurity or dislike for any girlfriend of his. Because I know what he is like and what he is capable of. Maybe not in the beginning, but down the line. My rage comes from the unfairness of it. And to be honest, if I could I would take great pleasure in knowing that he has to suffer in some way because I feel that he owes a huge debt to me and son. (these are obviously my own issues to work with)
His ex wife's yelling at him might be reactions to years of stone walling and the feelings of injustice and invalidation and trauma. Your ex might be responding the way he does because of a sense of guilt? I dont really know.
Again, i know our situations are different... Your fiance's wife might have been cheating on him. In which case she has no right to be angry. I agree with you that there should be no emotional bond between the ex's. I keep things very logistical with my ex. I know really wonderful woman that are dating nice men who are divorcing because their wives cheated. And the ex is still trying to control. I tend to side with the wife because of my experience but i understand that wives are capable of great cruelty and manipulation as well.
I just wanted to offer you my perspective. Because sometimes there are no real answers just perspectives. You might not know the real issues behind his wife's rage. Divorce (especially when children are involved) is really really traumatic and brings our the worst in people.
When I start dating again, i feel safer dating someone who has been through a divorce and who has children. But I am afraid of meeting someone like my ex who will act as if his wife pushed him out with her abusive and controlling behaviors. It can be really hard to screen.
It does however sound like your fiance did this to you once before. And now he is doing it to you again. To me it would make sense that he did this to his wife and she has been reacting or vengeful.
I think you deserve a relationship with someone dependable and committed.
