Hey Gwen !! I have missed you so much, I will post on your thread shortly. Thank you for you lovely words, some times I don't feel I am doing well at all, but then someone posts something that shows me how far I have come ....so truly, thank you, it came at such a good time for me.
Its been a while since I posted an update, mainly because life just carries on and I just move through the days so have nothing much to write, but now my "friendship" with NG has gathered a little speed which I went along with but its now come to a point where I have to decide where I want it to go.
We continue to go for walks, then going out for a coffee was added in, next was ice cream and a walk around a park gardens, this week we went to a light festival and coffee and the week ended in The Mission Concert where the Dixie Chicks were headlining, NG managed to get us perky tickets through our work who supplied all the marquees and furniture. I knew the "friend zone" line was beginning to blur but last night kinda confirmed that we are heading in a direction I am not sure I want to. At the end of our non dates we started off just saying thanks and see you tomorrow, then it evolved in to a hug and kiss on the cheek - like I do with other friends - but last night he went in for the full kiss and I panicked and fluffed crazy waffle to get me out of the car as quickly as possible lol ....well it was not funny at the time but I look back and think, seriously how old am I !! The texting has become constant, he even texts me at work ...and we work in the same place??
The situation continues as a few weeks ago (when we were really in friend zone still) I agreed to go camping for Easter with him (separate tents), maybe I have been blind to what was going on from day one, or may be things have developed over time for him, but I am now in a situation that I am struggling with a bit.
His background is that he got divorced 10yrs ago and it was messy (dont know the details, but it badly affected him ....i can identify with him there ) and he has not had a relationship or even dated since, he could not bring himself to put himself out there. So to be "the first" when I am not fully healthy emotionally myself is a recipe for disaster and pressure on me to not be the one who hurts him....which is possible.
The other thing I am struggling with is that he is too nice ... yeah, I know, get a grip woman ...but he really is and I am not used to such attention, respect, consideration and kindness, its overwhelms me. My past life was controlled by someone else, then I got given control and independence and I have become fiercely protective of it, and now I am being asked to release a little of that control and let the guard down to allow someone else to make decisions and do things for me, I am having problems releasing that control.
On top of all that I dont "feel" what I think I should feel for him. With h it was an intense connection from day one for both of us and even now we click straight away when we have contact, which is why I have had to remove myself completely from his life, otherwise I would be completely stuck on moving forward from him. Don't get me wrong, I like this guy, he is good for me, we have lots in common, he is supportive and makes me laugh and the ego boost has not been a bad thing for my soul, but I am concerned that this is rebound thing, a distraction to keep my head away from thinking about h. The other thing that is holding me back is (and I will be honest, because this is all part of the new path I am on and may resonate with someone else) is the total fear of being physical with someone else - I am laughing as I write this, but its a real fear and ummmmmm how?? lol.
Nothing else really happening, work is going ok, I have had a couple of projects to keep me busy. I have had a pay rise which was a nice surprise, still not a great wage but every little extra counts. S20 has announced he and g/friend are moving out and in with her parents end of May, which was a surprise but it will save them money and they have made a payment plan to pay me back all that they owe (believe it when I see it!!). Unfortunately it puts me in the position of having to think about moving myself as I cant afford the house (I can but then I would not be able to save anything), I am still so unsettled and now with the NG thing added in I am feeling flighty, just move away and get out of this situation I have found myself in - but really its running away and not going to achieve anything and I could be walking away from a potentially great relationship ....sigh.
On a different note - the concert was great, I had a great evening, a few different bands but Avalanche City and Dixie Chicks were great and I feel so lucky to have been able to go - a new experience that is definitely going in the memory bank
Onwards and Forwards to Easter, 4 days camping in the mountains ....wish me luck ha ha
